A Future, Freedom, and Favor

This is day 2 of guest posts from Whitney.  If you want to read the first one, click here.  

God teaches us in so many ways, and for me, much of that has been through the experience of being single. In the moments that I’ve taken the time to think a little longer and dig a little deeper into why I long for another person to share my life with, God has revealed my needs and the amazing ways in which He satisfies them. In the times I have felt vulnerable and fearful, unwanted, and trapped by my own emotions, the Lord reminds me that He has secured my future. He has chosen me and demonstrated unwarranted favor; and in Him, I have the freedom to love and be loved the way my heart aches to.

This summer I was planning to move in with my two dear friends, who I am thankful to now call my roommates. As we were apartment searching we found ourselves running up against several obstacles. A variety of factors threatened our options to find a place to live and the pressure of one expiring lease yet to be replaced increased as the weeks went on. By the grace of God, this experience strengthened our faith, but not without moments of fear on my part. I knew that God would provide, and I don’t  think that I truly feared a lack of physical provision. What I did fear was aloneness in these circumstances. My would-be roommates were amazing during the process, and I had support from family, friends, and my church, but I felt that my future was untied to anyone. I didn’t doubt that people cared, but couldn’t shake the feeling that if I went down, I was going down alone. Financial struggles and insecurity were not new experiences for me, but for the first time, I felt that I was fighting them alone. Far away from family, and financially untied to any another person, my future felt uncertain in a much scarier way than I had yet experienced. When the weight of this hit me, my first thought was “if only I had someone…”.

Then I actually stopped to think, if only I had someone…then what?

Here God reminded me of His presence and power in the world and my life. Would my future be any more secure than it is now? Would a husband be a better provider than the creator and sustainer of the universe? When the almighty God beckons me to bring all things to Him in prayer and supplication, what more would I ask of someone else? The Lord knows my every need and provides for me (Matthew 6). What’s more amazing, my life and my future are hidden, secure, with Jesus Christ (Colossians 3:3). More than physical provision (for which I am thankful to God) my future is united with Christ’s. When I wonder if I’ll have a husband or family of my own and am tempted to be anxious, I’m reminded that Christ is my life, that I am united to brothers and sisters in Christ, and that as His bride, I have a hope and a future.

While the apartment search and its accompanying fears only lasted a few weeks, I’ve struggled off and on for years with another kind of loneliness. If I’m honest, this is too often wrapped up in vanity and pride. My desire for someone to want me, and to choose me, betrays a self-centeredness that does not honor the Lord. However, I don’t think that there is always sin in acknowledging the sting that comes with rejection, or hurting when feeling alone. In fact, when I find myself wondering why someone may not have chosen me, or why I am still single, it’s all the more amazing to consider that God did choose me. All the faults I try to hide, God sees in ugly detail. All the failings I try to compensate for, God already knows, in addition to the ones that are still coming. And yet He still chose me! Christ suffered rejection and affliction because I was beloved. Amazing.

There may be plenty of reasons I am single, but not being loved isn’t one of them. Looking at this truth in the face of my singleness has lead me trust and rest in the Lord. I have to wonder if I would know that peace and feel the depth of His love the way that I have if I hadn’t also felt rejected from men.

Finally, I have to say one of the most joyous aspects of all of this that the Lord has shown me lately has been the freedom I have in Him. There is so much to say about the freedom we have in Christ, but right now I am talking about the freedom we have to love and express love.

I have learned some hard lessons about misplaced love and affection. Whether I have set my sights on an imprudent match, or have let my thoughts and feelings run away too quickly with a good man in the picture, I know that whatever pain that may naturally come with loneliness is much worse when I run away with my own plans rather than waiting on the Lord. But knowing that doesn’t make it much easier to stay cool and collected when there is a romantic interest in view. Something inside me can’t help but to make plans, or consider all of his good qualities, and to hope that my feelings will be reciprocated. For me, the excitement of a new friendship can also come with the fear that I will be unguarded and foolish with my emotions. So what to do with my giddiness and my affections? Who should be center of my daydreams and hopes for the future?

It’s so obvious, and yet, it floored me in a whole new way. I thought I understood what it meant to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I did, in some ways; but the sweetness of pouring all of my affections and hopes into the One worthy of everything that I am had been lost on me before. The beauty and true joy of being able to express all of my love to the Lord, unabashedly, without abandon, and not fearing His rejection has captivated my heart all over again. I am free to literally sing love songs to the Lord without fearing a broken heart. Not only am I free to do this, this is my calling, what my entire life for eternity is all about: loving the Lord with every ounce of my being. I don’t have to stop myself short and scold myself for running away with thoughts about God. In fact, I sin when I do not put all of my hopes in Him and when I do not remember His goodness and beauty each day. Isn’t incredible to think that one of my greatest desires is the most important commandment? To love. Sadly, in my life, that love is too often corrupted and misplaced. But what freedom! My desire to love deeply and fully is not to be quelled, but to be stoked into a deep and abiding love for my God.

Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Psalm 34:8

What can I say? I have tasted and seen. I have tasted the bitterness of my fears and failings in loneliness, making all the more sweet the Lord’s goodness in His love.

An Open Letter to my Brothers in Christ

Brother,

Thank you.  There have been some videos, some movements, some poems, websites and other media that have sprung up recently from Christian men seeking to encourage us as women - to remain pure, to not settle, to set high standards, to allow ourselves to be served.  Others have asked forgiveness for sins of lust, of abuse, of impurity, of disrespect, of anger, of selfishness, of arrogance, of inflicted pain - intentional or otherwise.

For this I want to thank you.  It is a joy and an honor to call you a brother.  It is good for us to see that there are men out there, pursuing God, loving friends and family well, seeking after the Gospel, waiting for their wife.  It truly is an encouragement to know that not all men are after me for my body.  That not all men are cowards, or are arrogant.  That there are men of Christ, and that someday, Lord willing, I will be able to say that I have a husband who genuinely loves Jesus more than me - because men like that DO exist. It is nice to know that I am not crazy, that I am not waiting on a fairy tale, and that men are seeking healing for the abuses and the pain they have historically or personally caused. 

But I think it is time a woman stepped up, to encourage you.

Many of you seek to serve us so well - as friends, as sisters, as wives.  You do so without recognition, without prompting, and with much joy.  Thank you for that.

You have taught me much in the last two years about what I ought to value in men, and how I ought to carry myself.  You have restored much faith, and you have led by example.  As friends, you have taught me about service, and what that looks like, and how I can serve you well.  You have taught me about being served.  You have taught me about brotherly love.

Many of you are already married. We single women (and men, probably) are watching closer than you think, and you have wonderfully led by example. You have taught and shown me much about life, about men, and about marriage.  I have seen what functional, healthy, Christ-centered marriages look like, and where I have much room to grow before I am ready to be yoked together with a man.  I have seen how you fight for your marriages when they are hard, and I have seen how you lead steadfastly when a storm blows in.  I have seen your honesty, and your attempts to destroy the lies the world builds up about marriage - in order that we single women (and men) can avoid some hardships and mistakes you have already walked through.  I see you discipling younger men and I can only hope and pray that my husband would have had this in his life too.  I see you advancing God's kingdom one life at a time, and this is a joy.  I see you honoring and loving your wives well - in a way that reminds me that my standards are not too high, and that I really am waiting for someone like you. 

Many of you are single.  Women watch you, too.  We see how you look at us, how you talk to us, and how you serve us as sisters - with grace, with dignity, with the utmost respect, and with love.  How you do not objectify us, but you value our whole being.  We see that some of you are dating other girls, and that you take the utmost care to protect your purity.   We see that you do not have to be our boyfriends for you to help us move, for you to just hang out with us because you enjoy our company, or for you to do spontaneously kind things for us.  You are willing to love us and serve us as we are, we do not have to earn your favor.  We see you seeking the Lord more than you are seeking a girlfriend, more than you are seeking a job, more than you are seeking influence and power.  We see that you, too, are advancing the Kingdom.  You are devoting time to your relationships, to go deep and to serve your brothers well. We see all of this. I know it is probably harder than you would like.  I know you do not do this perfectly all the time.  I know there are men who are on you to be better men.  Keep pursuing Biblical manhood, but remember that you are already doing a lot of things well. 

I have spent much of the last 6 years hating men - even men like you.  Railing against them.  Fighting for my own independence, despite all indications that I am entirely unable.  Propping up images and illusions of my own glory, my own sufficiency, and my own perfection, while lamenting, coddling, and nursing the wounds that had been deeply cut.  I have spent years convinced that all men are cowards, afraid of any sort of relationship because of the damage that might be done.  Afraid of touching scars that might cause me pain, and instead choosing to shut you out, to secretly be disgusted with you, to find flaws where they needn't be found.  Arming myself against "the patriarchy", which included all men and all forms of chivalry, meanwhile complaining that there were no "good men".  Resigning myself to the fact that I would be miserably alone forever, because "nobody was good enough for me", when really I was too afraid of you to give you a chance.  

I have simultaneously spent that time longing for someone to hold me, to validate my insecure conceptions of beauty, to affirm me in my comfortable state.  What I have really been looking for is the companionship one might typically find in a dog, I was just looking for it in a man that I could call "boyfriend" - one who would not challenge, who would not push back, who would only serve me, but not need to be served.  Who would require no labor and love beyond that of a cuddle-buddy.  I have been degrading your companionship, your friendship, and your very person to something that made me comfortable, instead of conforming myself to the designs of God, and admiring you for the way God has made you - and the way He intended for us to interact. 


For all of the hateful things I have said, for all of the hurtful things I have thought, and for all of the disgustingly un-Christlike things I have done (and they are plenty), brother I am sorry.  I truly am.  I cannot and will not continue to treat men this way - you are my brother!  Please forgive me, friend. 

Friend.  I am so honored to call you that.  Friend.  Please, please keep doing what you are doing.  Keep seeking the Lord.  Keep serving your brothers and sisters in Christ with humility, and with love.  Keep advancing the Kingdom, keep seeking purity, keep fighting for the good name of Christian men.  We know you are out there (even if we do not believe it or act like it all the time).  You have, in the last two years, taken my broken, terrified, and angry heart and turned it into one that is in the process of being restored.  Without knowing my story, without knowing my anger, my frustration, or my scars, you have simply lived out Christ-like servanthood and attitudes to me, and it has changed me profoundly.  Thank you.  Please, brother, in all humility, continue to walk with me as my heart is conformed to God's.  I am sure I will stumble.  Please call me out, but recognize that I am still recovering from the lies of the world and my own fickle heart. 

Thank you, brother, for doing what you are already doing.  Continue to do it.  We women are watching, and we are learning.  I am more thankful for the men in my life now than I ever have been before.

Affectionately in Christ,
K

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part IV: Men and Feminism

This was not a post I intended to write.  This "Biblical Womanhood" thing was supposed to be a trilogy (because all good things come in 3's, right?).  But there's more.

(As a refresher, you can read Parts 1, 2, and 3, here, here, and here respectively)

I've always considered myself a feminist.  I'm strong, and fiercely independent.  I'm athletic, I can play sports and keep up with the boys.  I can do things on my own, I don't need any man to carry my luggage for me, or to help me change a flat, or to validate me.  I am my own woman.  


Furthermore, all women need to have this realization - All women need to understand that they can empower themselves by taking action, standing up to men, that they themselves are capable (perhaps with a little outside assistance) of freeing themselves from this perpetual suppression by men.  One of the best ways to achieve development and freedom is to empower women, and to make them equal with men.  Right?

But the thing is, I'm not independent at all (much as I fancy myself as such)!  I'm entirely dependent.  I'm not my own at all - I belong entirely to God (you do too, whether you realize it or not)!  All those things above - all those things are lies.  Lies of the enemy and of the world.  I can't keep up with boys (at least not all of them), I can't do things on my own, I do need help.  This whole "independent" thing I've been striving for and basing my entire life on, it's actually really bad.  Because everything I have has been given by the Gracious God, and everything I can do is only through the Lord Almighty.

While empowering women is great, the flip side of that issue is how we portray men.  By portraying men as perpetually hedonistic animals who will always suppress women without the checks of government, or moral/ethical codes strictly imposed, and women as strong, enabled, people who must overthrow this culture of oppresion, we are hurting both men AND women.

And I'm totally guilty of this.  I do it often.  I play the victim who has overcome because that's what culture tells me I need to do, and I see men in my head as horrible human beings (save the few decent ones I'm friends with).

What if we used the Gospel to empower women AND men? What if we allowed the Gospel to be used as a way to empower men to stand up against cultural norms that measure masculinity by how many STI's you have?  Or by how well your wife submits to you, or by how many fights you can tough out, or how big your muscles are?  What if we could empower men to stand up and say enough, to treat their fellow humans well (both men and women)?

And what if we could empower women to accept help sometimes?  What if we could redefine feminism not by how militant you are against men, or how well you support yourself, or how "confidently" you dress, or how many men you can beat out for that promotion?  The living in the extreme of women who believe that equality means "exact same in every way" narrowly defines what good means - and it still defines it on male terms.  It's slavery disguised as empowerment. It's the empowerment of Satan to continue to enslave ourselves to the lies of the world - twisted truth.  What if we could find some way to empower women to be who they were designed and created to be, without dependence on masculinity OR submission - what if we could find a way to empower women in the image of their Creator?

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to re-evaluate not only how I see myself, but how I view gender-relations issues across the world.  I don't totally know what that means or looks like, but change should probably accompany this thought process.

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part III: Men

This is part 3 of a series.  You can also read Part 1 here, and read part 2 here.

I had a friend (a male) open a car door for me the other day.  It wasn't just a passing thing - he insisted. But the thing is, he wasn't hitting on me.  He wasn't demeaning me, but he wasn't hitting on me either.  He was simply treating me with the utmost respect in the manner he though appropriate.  I was beside myself.  I didn't know how to react.  I'm so used to fending for myself, and to holding up the walls around my vulnerability and my independence, that I didn't know what to do.  I've never, ever in my life had a man intentionally seek to open a door for me.  It's started to make me rethink how I treat men....

Am I treating men with respect when I demand that I do everything myself?  I certainly don't mind being needed; I'm often (though, in my sinful flesh, not always) happy to help people.  It makes me feel valuable and wanted.  I think men are even more programmed to think and behave that way.  When I demand that I do things under my own power, I am not only depriving men of the opportunity to serve me, but I am essentially telling them that their help is not good enough.  I would hate that, if someone did that to me....

What else do I do that does not respect men?  Where else do I think I am enabling myself, when really, I am only hurting myself and others around me?

This is where the issue of understanding my womanhood as a single woman comes into play.  I ought to be seeking to be a godly woman right now.  That is not something which waits to be cultivated until marriage.  Just as we don't wait to cultivate a good football team with solid plays and good communication until game day (unless, apparently, you're the Broncos...), I ought not be waiting to cultivate my godly womanhood until marriage. 

I say I am looking for a man to do ministry with - that in seeking a husband, my primary goal is to do ministry in a way that I would not be able to do otherwise.  And I say that, but do I always mean it?  In my head I mean it - I think, gosh, if I find a man who I love and am attracted to and can do ministry with me, I'll marry him.  But if he doesn't met all of those criteria, then I won't marry and I'll just do ministry alone.  But is that really what I'm seeking?  Or am I just too afraid to try a messy relationship with another sinner?  What would this relationship even look like?

And the thing is, I just don't know.  Am I one of those women who is called to singleness for the rest of my life?  I don't know.  I heard a sermon once about relationships, and the pastor said that if we were one of those people called to a life of singleness, we'd know.  Otherwise, our goal should be to pursue godly dating and a godly view of sex and relationships until we are married.  But the thing is, I'm not sure if I'm one of those "single" people or not... I have yet to feel that I "need" a man.  I'm quite content to do life in a single fashion - now.  So does that make me someone who is called to singleness?  But I don't know if I'll always feel that way.  I do desire to get married - someday (I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't).  But I don't know what being in a relationship in which both people are pursing God more than they are pursuing one another even looks like or acts like or feels like.  And I want someone to show me, so that I can know for sure.  So that I can try it and say - yes, this is something I think I am supposed to have in my life, this is something that I think God has called me to, or so I can say - no, this is not what God has called me to.  God has called me to a life of singleness and contentment in him alone.  And then I can stop wondering and move on.

Part of me wonders if I'm too weak to handle a relationship.  That I would be the worst Christian wife ever, because I wrestle with defining what my role is, and acting on it.  What if I'm too much of a sinner to be able to balance a relationship with a man and a relationship with God and His local church and work and whatever else I'm up to?  Part of me thinks that I would begin to idolize that man, that I would be simultaneously too afraid to let myself go and too involved to get out. 

But then part of me thinks that I'm too weak to handle life alone.  That without someone to come home to at the end of the day, without someone to point me and guide me, without that solidarity and consistency, especially with what God has called me to do, that I would simply fall apart and be of no use to anyone. 

The thought of being married scares me a little.  But so does the thought of never getting married.  The thought of going to a third world country like the DRC or rural Pakistan completely alone, without a husband, without a brother in Christ to support me and love me and walk with me through that experience, to hold me accountable, to encourage me and to talk with me, to balance me out... that terrifies me.  And so I feel stuck... 

I want to be running after Christ with such fierce tenacity that my husband has to run with me to not loose me to God.  I want him to be in front of me so that I can draft off him when I am tired, so that he can show me the way when I am lost, and I want to be strong enough to pick him up when he falls.  I want to be so wrapped up in Christ that we cannot help but be wrapped up together.  I want to have the singular sense of companionship in Christ with one another that I see in some of the marriages at church.

But I'm beginning to think that I'm too afraid of being let down that I won't open myself to the fact that God may in fact have a husband in my future.  I may even already know him.  Why should I doubt that?  What reason, what possible cause could I have for not trusting in the Lord, the creator of the universe, who has my life in His hands?  I'd rather have God in control of my life than myself - I'm going to screw it up.  But God?  God will not screw up.  He does not make mistakes.  He has not let me down to this point, and He will not let me down in the future.  If God promises me a husband, He will give one to me.  It may not be in my timing.  It may not be who I think or when I think or how I think, but He will deliver on his promises.  He always does.  Why am I so afraid of letting God make that promise to me?  Am I afraid that I will not hear that promise?  Or am I afraid that I will hear that promise?

I honestly don't know.

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part II: Marriage

Biblical womanhood is something I have been wrestling with for the last year - sometimes rather reluctantly.  What does it look like?  Especially for me - how does it affect me personally - a woman who isn't sure she's ever going to get married?  What does it mean for the woman who used to be a staunch feminist and is now pretty sure that most "real" feminists would be ashamed of her, but is also reluctant to let go of that title (fear of man, anyone)?  In a world that simultaneously tells me that women are distinctly less than men, and that women are exactly equal to men in every way, where does the Biblical truth lie? And how do I go from the former extremes to the truth?

This is (for some of you) going to be a scary thing to hear from me, but I'm slowly changing my mind about what biblical womanhood ought to look like.  I believe the Bible - the word of the holy and living God - says that wives ought to submit to their husbands.  Yes, it's true - I said it.  It's in the Bible pretty clearly.  Over and over.  I'm not entirely sure it's something that I like...  and it's definitely not something I understand.  I've never been in a (romantic) relationship that is built on God instead of self (I'm only now learning how to have a friendship built on this premise).  The word "submission" still makes me twitch and cringe and wiggle around with great discomfort, and occasionally anger and resentment.

But my pastors have challenged me to examine whether I am projecting my own desires and views onto the Bible, or if I am truly allowing the Bible to shape and change the way I interact with the world.  And so I have begun examining.  And one thing that has come to light is that the Bible is clear - wives ought to submit to their husbands.  The flip side of that coin, of course, is that husbands ought to love their wives the way Christ loved the church.  If that were happening, then submission wouldn't be such an issue.  (But, as sinners, no matter how hard we might try, none of us are the husbands or wives we ought to be. Therein lies the root of the extreme worldviews mentioned above.)

This whole concept makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  I don't like the idea of submitting to anyone.  I don't even always like submitting to God - sometimes that involves doing or saying things that make me (and others around me) very uncomfortable.  But to submit myself to a human man?!  That seems like too much to ask on some days.

And then I look around.  I look around my church and I see marriages that work.  Marriages based on this principle of reciprocal submission and love.  Not just my pastors' marriage, but just regular couples in the church.  It really truly works.  I don't get it.  It really freaks me out some days.  But I can see that the marriages of the church are truly more robust, healthier, and more fulfilling than any other marriage I've ever seen.
 
It still makes me nervous.  I'm still resistant, and hesitant. 

But when it comes down to it, understanding what a Biblical marriage ought to look like is rooted in my understanding of my identity as a woman of Christ.  Throughout the Bible, God uses the metaphor of a prostitute, of an unworthy bride to symbolize the church, with Him as the bridegroom.

I am that prostitute.  I am the one who returns to my evil ways, despite the love of the Lord.  I follow my own plans, rather than His.  I whore myself out to the world, to the traps of pursuit of glory, money, power, fame, success, living the American dream, and many other things which, in the end enslave me.  But I don't see that.  I am the one who all too happily and freely gives out her identity and security to the nearest and easiest promise, which is almost always one of the world and not of God.

And God still pursued (and continues to pursue) me.  My sinful and wretched heart.  To the point of Marriage.  Forever and ever.  With me.  A filthy whore. All I have to do is not run away. 

Why then, should I wait to understand what Biblical marriage looks like?  If marriage between a man and a woman is to be a reflection of the marriage covenant between Christ and his church, shouldn't I seek to understand that as fully and deeply as I can, now?  Shouldn't I, as a single Christian woman who has time and intelligence and reason and community, understand the Biblical marriage covenant better than anyone?

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part I: Sex

So there was a sermon a couple weeks ago about sex.  Yes, you read that correctly - it's not a type-o.  Sex.  We talked about it.  In church.  With my pastor...  Awkward? There were definitely moments.  Important and enlightening? Absolutely.    (It was actually very, very good.  You can listen to it at http://www.restorationchurchdc.com/2011/09/a-biblical-view-of-sex/ It was extremely edifying and well-handled.)

We talked about why it's important to talk about sex.  Especially in church.  We talked about what sex should be and what sex shouldn't be. Because let's face it - sex is something that gets talked about outside the church.  A lot.  We're bombarded with it.  So maybe it's something we should talk about in church too. 

It's something I've heard over and over - you don't have sex 'til your married, otherwise you're a dirty filthy whore.  You don't talk about masturbation, or about desires, or about struggling with singleness.  Porn is a no-no, and if you're stuck in a porn addiction, you ought to be ashamed of yourself and just buck up and pull yourself out by your bootstraps, because real godly men don't ever struggle with that issue.  And women don't struggle with any of this.  Sex is for marriage, so just hold on until you get there, but even then, don't talk about it!  It's still kinda dirty and we don't really want to think that we enjoy something like that, because we were told it was bad for all our lives!

The reality is that men and women alike, Christian or not, struggle with things like porn, masturbation, having sex outside of marriage, lustful thoughts, homosexual behaviour, dressing inappropriately, not guarding their hearts, and otherwise engaging in inappropriate behavior.  Statistics say it's rampant, friends experiences say its rampant - even my experience tells me it's rampant.  So yea, I'd say it's a pretty important thing to talk about.  No matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

I have very people very near and dear to my heart who have had sex outside of marriage.  Who have objectified members of the opposite sex.  Who have lusted after a relationship (sometimes even a relationship for the sake of itself) for the physical element.  Who have dressed inappropriately to get attention.  Who have been involved in porn and masturbation.  I myself have struggled with nearly every one of these things at some point in my life.  And they are issues that need to be addressed in a healthy, biblical manner - which means we have to talk about them.

This sermon raised some interesting issues.  How should we talk about sex?  How should we talk about marriage, for that matter?  What about gender roles?  What about defining biblical manhood and womanhood, singleness, and relationships?  Why are they important to talk about?  

Sex ought to be a good thing.  It's healthy, it's joyful - it's something God created! When Adam and Eve started having sex in the garden, it wasn't a surprise to God.  Sex is good.  But only in the context in which God ordained.  But that's not the answer the world likes.  The world would have you believe that sex with anyone, anywhere, anytime = freedom and happiness.  But my pastor gave an analogy, and its one that merits repeating.  Imagine there's a train.  On the tracks, it's free to go wherever it wants, as efficiently as it pleases, arriving on time and safely.  The train is doing exactly what it is designed to do, and is doing it well, so we say it is good.  If you put that very same train in the very same spot, but without the tracks, it will not go anywhere.  Before, it was "confined" by the tracks.  Now, you say, you have set the train free!  But where will the train go?  What will it do?  Will it do it well?  No.  Such are God's mandates for our lives.  The rules exist in order to give us freedom, not to take it away from us.  The question then becomes - do I love God's authority more than I love my own authority?  Am I willing to submit myself to the Lord's will for my life - including in this area?

What does a biblical view of sex mean for me?  I'll be blatantly honest for a moment: the desire is there.  I desire to have sex.  God gave me that desire, so that's ok.  But I'm not married.  I'm not even in a romantic relationship of any sort.  So how do I balance those two things?

Primarily, I think I (we) need to understand that sex is not the end-all-be-all of relationships, of my experience here on earth, or of enjoying someone else's company, be it in a Biblical marriage or not.   Culture certainly tells me that it is.  Even the church sometimes tells me that it is.  The "just hold on until you get there" line - what about the people who never get married?  The church sometimes treats sex in the same manner that culture treats it - it's just the flip side of the same coin.  It's hyped up into something more than what it is - something it shouldn't be. 

If I may, I'll have another honest moment:  There is a chance I will die a virgin.  And that just has to be ok.  Because to say that it is not would be to up-end the order which God created, and to fancy myself having a better comprehension of good than God - which is absurd.  His glory is ultimate.  Everything else is not.  Will there be sex in heaven?  I don't know.  Maybe, maybe not (that's a debate for another time). But the bottom line is, sex is not the only way to glorify God.  It is not even the best way (perhaps you disagree?  Let's talk.  I'd be interested to hear what you have to say - but that is not a conversation for this particular blog post).  Glorifying God is my ultimate mission - not pursuing my own pleasures.  I don't exactly know what that means for me yet, but I know that God is in control.  And I am not. And I will (humbly attempt, and often fail to) submit myself to his Holy and almighty authority.

Exhaustion and Bubbles

There has been much weighing on my mind recently.  Not the least of which is how over-worked and under-rested I am at this particular moment. I am regretting my decision to work 60+ hours/week this summer. 

I love my coaching job with (almost) all of my being.  I love the kids, and my fellow coaches.  It has been a joy and an honor to work with such a great staff and (for the most part) great team this summer, and to get to do something I love (and get paid for it!).  My office job, on the other hand, has progressively become more and more challenging.  I am discovering very quickly that God's provision is not always what my provision would have been.  It has certainly been a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow, but a challenging, difficult, and rarely enjoyable one.  The frustration from one job, the time consumption of another, the excessive hours and little sleep finally caught up to me last week.  I couldn't move.  I didn't want to move.  I haven't been that tired since high school (which, for those of you who know me, is quite a significant statement).   To put it in perspective, I called in to work on Wednesday morning, which put me at 9 hours of sleep, Thursday through Saturday nights I averaged about 7 hours of sleep per night.  I then slept for 17 (yes, you read that right.... 17) hours yesterday, and am just now beginning to feel like a functional human being again. 

In all of this exhaustion and frustration, I have found some undesirable and unpleasant emotions bubbling up and rising to the surface.  My irritability, for one.  Anger, for another.  More anger than I'd like to admit.  While there are many, many issues which were thought-resolved-but-aren't I have discovered in the past few weeks, there is one in particular that irks me more than the rest.  That is the issue of men. 

I have never felt the need to date simply for the sake of dating.  I'm quite comfortable being single (actually, significant and complete commitment to one man still freaks me out a little bit...), and I rather enjoy the freedom it allows me.  But I am human, and there are moments when I panic, think I'm going to die alone and single, having never had a significant relationship in my life.  I went on a few dates in High School (very few... and rarely was there more than 2 with the same guy), but never really clicked with anyone.  It wasn't until my senior year that I had any real relationship of any sort. 

I'm not entirely sure how to approach this topic gracefully or tactfully.  In fact, I'm not sure there is a way... I don't like bad-mouthing people, and I try very hard to avoid anything of the sort.  But I think this is one of the ways in which well-meaning women (and, although less often, men) can be used as a doormat; when women (or men) are afraid to stand up and say to the world that someone has hurt them in a significant way, simply because they don't want to hurt anyone, they damage themselves and let others get away with it.  So I suppose it's time I came out and admitted that the last guy I dated really, really messed with me.  So much so that I haven't been on a single date since him, not out of disinterest but, in part, out of genuine fear and incredible hurt. 

The sad thing is not that our relationship was the problem (although it was problematic...), but it was our post-dating relationship which really did the damage.  It does not matter how - that is a private matter - but the problem is that because I fancy myself a kind, drama-free, honest person, I allowed myself to be manipulated and used in ways I didn't know was possible.  And the end result cost me not just his friendship, but every single one of our mutual friends as well.  At a time when my life was falling apart right in front of me, he nearly single-handedly destroyed all precious people and relationships in my life, and left me with only ashes of what I used to know. 

And wouldn't it be poetic and wonderful and inspiring if I could conclude now with imagery of a phoenix rising from the ashes, of a person remade and all the more beautiful and empowered because of it?  But that's not how this ends.  I'm still in the ashes stage (yes, even now, 2 1/2 years later...).  I'm trying to get over the anger (and how deep it runs), to forgive, but it's not as easy as it sounds (even as petty as this fight was).  I'm still working to let go, to learn to trust men again, and to try to figure all this out.  I'm trying to figure out my identity as a woman, how empowerment and feminism plays into my role (if at all) as a woman of Christ, how my standards for men in general (and, hopefully, my future husband) need to change, and how I need to change if I am to become the person God has called me to be.  I'm learning a lot, about myself and about others.  But it really just sucks some days.