Where Prayer and Joy Meet, And the Baffling Place that Leaves Me

I watched a man place his faith in Jesus Christ today.

Ok, I didn't actually watch it happen.  But 6 weeks ago, when my plane landed in a foreign country and I while I began to explore a new realm of food and culture, he was not a Christian.  4 weeks ago, when I first met him, he did not believe that Jesus Christ had given him eternal life through His resurrection.  2 weeks ago, he had not laid down his life at the foot of the cross, counting the cost as rubbish for the sake of Jesus.  But today, today we walked along the cobblestone street, admiring the street performers and the blue sky, I was blessed to hear him tell his story: one of how he had decided that Jesus was the Truth, and that He was worth everything.  I cannot begin to describe to you my elation at this moment.

But my elation was not because I had anything to do with his decision.  I, in fact, had absolutely nothing to do with this decision.

It was just blessing lavished upon blessing.

******************************

Sometime in October of last year, I first heard of this young man, Dmitry*.  In email correspondence with a friend living overseas, I was given the opportunity to pray for him as he actively sought truth and light in a dark world.  And so I scribbled his name in the back of my Bible, where I keep a list of others around the world whom I regularly dedicate myself to praying for.  And I started praying.  Some weeks I labored over him every day.  Some weeks I only lifted up a quick prayer while walking down the street.  But every day, I would pick up that Bible and look at that list, and there was his name, staring back at me.   Some days, my fickle heart didn't believe that my praying would do anything.  That I would pray and pray and pray and never see results.   Some days I didn't want to pray.  I selfishly thought that my own problems, my own burdens ought to displace Dmitry's need for a loving savior.  And so, some days, I neglected him.

But his name was always on my list, so I continued to come back to him.  And as the email correspondence between this friend and I picked up, and as I began to hear more and more of his life here, Dmitry kept coming up.

Pray for him, he'd say.  He's growing.  He's getting closer.  

So back to my knees I would go.  Back to petitioning God that he would soften his heart, lift the veil, whatever metaphor or scripture I could find, I'd pray it.  Sometimes it was rote - the same prayer I'd said for the last 12 people on my list.  Sometimes it was genuine, gut-wrenching, searing, sobbing prayer.  The more I prayed, the more it became genuine.  I began to feel that, despite the fact that I couldn't pick him out of a line-up of 2, I was getting to know Dmitry.

Prayer unites people in mysterious ways.  There's a kind of compassion you develop for someone when you truly labor over them in this way.  It's unlike any other kind of servanthood you can conceive. Pouring out your soul at the foot of the throne of God, begging God to do something does not create a negligible bond.

So today, when Dmitry said to me that he had chosen Christ, it wasn't because I had prayed.  Rather, because of these last 10 months of prayer - praying through tears and apathy and love and compassion - God has amplified my joy a hundred fold in rejoicing with a new brother.

God used my [insufficient and altogether lacking] petitions to the Holy Father, by the indwelling of his Spirit, which he gave to me by the death and resurrection of Christ, to amplify my joy at something which he did not even have to include me in, and which he was going to accomplish with or without me.

Seriously?  So basically, God did everything.  The Father sent the Son, even though the world was mightily screwed up.  Who then lived perfectly, willingly suffered and died on the cross, and then proceeded to be raised from the dead.  In order to give me [me!?!] His presence in my life all the time, in the Spirit.  Who then enables me to pray, to the glory of Christ.  In order that the Father might answer my prayers to His glory.  All of which, in turn gives me more joy than my soul can possibly contain.

This is too good to be true.  Seeing the fruit of the Gospel manifested in someone else's life is such sweet balm to my parched and weary soul, which so desperately aches for the promises of Heaven.  God did not have to let me see this fruit.  He graciously chose to anyways.  He did not have to save me.  He graciously did anyways.  He did not have to enable this trip to be a possibility.  He graciously did anyways.  He did not have to give me an opportunity to get to know Dmitry.  He graciously did anyways.

All so that, standing in the middle of a cobblestone street in a foreign land, on this random August day, God could show me how he has used and woven and molded my prayers for nothing less than my eternal happiness and unity with a brother.  Who knew when I got that email 10 months ago asking for prayer, that I would be the one left speechless and overwhelmed with joy and sweet, abiding love for my God?



*Name changed for security.  

To Be Contemporary, Or Not To Be? That, Apparently, is the Question...

I recently read this article about the Anglican church and music.  It's an interesting read about music choices in the Anglican Church, and I think a lot of good things are said in the article.  

Two years ago, I probably would have said a heart-felt "amen" to this article, then closed the tab in my browser and continued on my day. But two years ago, I also wasn't in any church, and didn't think it was important, so take that with a grain of salt...  

Today, I'm not so sure.  I think there's something deeper going on here.  It's true, having grown up in the Anglican church, I can attest to the fact that there aren't a lot of young people who stick around.  Even in college towns or areas where there are a ton of young, single people (i.e. Washington, D.C.), the Anglican church (most of the Church) is distinctly full of older people, and sometimes just no people at all.  

*As an aside:  I recognize that my church is almost entirely under 50.  I recognize that this, too, is a problem, and that there should be old, young, and every in-between age at churches.  But this is not a post about why older folk aren't adorning our pews.  That is a something for another time.*

On one hand, I understand not wanting old, "churchy", detached music to be a stumbling block to younger people.  But what you create a hunger for, you have to feed.  And if you create a hunger for good, fun, rockin' music that gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, well then you're distorting the gospel and creating a need for something else.  The Gospel is not about a warm fuzzy feeling.  Our salvation had better not be dependent on that warm, fuzzy feeling, because if it is, I'm in trouble.  And sometimes, church does us the most good when we do not have that feeling.

The reason young people are leaving churches (including, and perhaps especially, the Anglican church) is that they are not being fed the Gospel.  They are not being fed truth.  They see too much hypocrisy, too much legalism, and not enough teaching or gospel-centered community.  There isn't enough discipleship, there isn't enough solid theology, and there isn't enough vulnerability in relationships to make it distinct from anything else in the world.

There are too many sermons being preached from the pulpit that a Buddhist, Agnostic, "spiritual-but-not-religious", or Moralist could agree with, and there is too much comfort and too much condemnation.  There are not enough questions being asked, and even less being answered.  There is too much teaching about self, and not enough teaching about God.  There is too much programming, too many nameless faces, too many drifters and church-daters,* too little evangelism, too many comfortable and glossed-over sermons, too much political commentary, and too many places that ask you to check your brain at the door.

The church is supposed to be a place of people gathered who recognize that they are not qualified to be called a church.  They are not worthy of being called righteous.  They are gathered because of something entirely outside of themselves - salvation through faith alone, by grace alone, in Christ alone.   It has nothing - absolutely nothing - to do with them.  The church should be a place of intellectual, spiritual, emotional engagement, a place of honesty and messiness.  A place of joy, pleasure, and deep, abiding love for one another.  It should make you uncomfortable sometimes, but always welcome.  There should never be condemnation, but there should be loving reprimands and compassion.  It should be a place where self disappears into thinking of others as better, into a place of natural, holistic service that is driven by the passions and the needs of the church and it's members. 

Somehow, I don't think that music is the root of the issue here.  I get that some people just don't like organ music - and that's fine!  You're entitled to your own tastes.  Some people don't like electric guitars or drums, either.  But the type of music being sung is not what should draw people to a church, and I don't think its what's driving them away, either.  If my church started playing organ music and singing from the old hymnals, I'd still stick around even though it's not my favorite kind of worship.  Because the theology is good, because the Gospel is clear, and because the community is genuinely centered on Christ and nothing else, I'd stick around.

I think we need to re-evaluate what kind of church we want to build, not what kind of music we want to sing.   When we start evaluating churches based on music, we are making music more important than the word of God, more important than the Gospel, and more important than what scripture tells us a church should be. 

This is a criticism against the church as a whole, not just the Anglican community (the article that prompted this just happened to come from an Anglican group).  Please do not read this as a personal or denominational attack - it is not.  I think some churches do some things well, and other churches do other things well - no one church is perfect.  I think there are strengths and weaknesses to hierarchy, to liturgy, and to ritual.  I think every denomination has some unhealthy and dying churches, and I think the American Christian community as a whole is seeing a mass exodus of young people.  This is partly the fault of parents, partly the fault of youth ministers, partly the fault of pastors, partly the fault of the youth themselves, partly the fault of the strong pull that culture has, and partly just an unhappy, unfortunate circumstance that comes from the Gospel being unpopular.  Everyone bears some responsibility. 

But the music is not the problem.  The heart is the problem.  When youth are not being fed the hard truth of the Gospel, and being asked to believe it and live it out, having other believers come alongside them and walk through life with them, they aren't going to stick around, even if we start singing Lady Gaga or Beyonce or Usher.  The music does not matter.  This push for contemporary music, thinking that will draw youth in, its absurd.  The Gospel matters.  Without the Gospel, churches die. 



*as in, people who date the church instead of treating it as a type of marriage covenant with a specific people and with Christ.  I don't mean people who date other people at church...

***!!!!WE'RE GOING BACK!!!!***

Hello Friends!  It is my privilege and joy to tell you that I will be returning to Haiti in a little less than 6 weeks (my spring break)!   My heart is just overflowing with joy as I write this, but also with confidence and hopefulness that the Lord will provide health, finances, opportunity, people, and resources for us to take this trip – it is going to cost $1100 per person, but it is worth the time and effort to see God’s Kingdom proclaimed and advanced.

I am going again with a team of 8 from my church (another team of 8 will go down in early June), in our partnership with HaitiLove The trip itself, however, will look a bit different than last year.  As circumstances, the political environment, and our knowledge of the situation in Haiti have changed, there have been some shifts in the way that HaitiLove, and thus Restoration Church, are interacting with and caring for the people of Haiti.  Also, because of the instability and constantly changing circumstances in Haiti, our itinerary is not yet solidified.  But the flights are booked (Praise God!), so regardless of what we end up doing, or where we are, we will be going to serve the Lord and build His Kingdom!  

The plan is to leave Washington, DC early the morning of March 10^th, and fly to Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic.  From there we will hopefully be going to Puerto Plata, DR.  This is a beach resort town (but we won’t be doing any lounging…) in the DR, where Haitians often migrate to in an attempt to find work, if they can cross the border.  The problem is that the Haitian-Dominican relations are not good, and so the Haitians at this resort are not paid fairly, are discriminated against, and often find that they are not even recognized by the government.   We will be working with this group of people, and a local church there to help build a community center that will serve as a church, clinic, shelter, and anything else. 

We will then go to Phaeton, Haiti, where we will attempt to build a church in this small town.  This community has no healthy churches in or around the area, but there are a few Haitians who have been connected with HaitiLove, and through this partnership we now have the opportunity to help get a healthy church off the ground in an area that desperately needs it.   We will then return to the United States on Saturday the 17^th. 

Although this trip looks much different, I am blessed by the opportunity to go and share the Gospel.  The Haitian community in general is severely lacking in leadership and spiritual maturity, and this trip is an opportunity to help build on this.  We have, as a church, been building a children’s curriculum, a pastor’s curriculum, and a women’s curriculum for HaitiLove, in hopes that they can consistently teach Scripture and truth to those they interact with.  The goal is to build consistently across the various teams that are able to take short-term trips, that the ministry might be more effective. 

We need your help to do this.  Please spend some time in prayer with us for this trip.  Haiti is a dark place, and we need many people praying for us now, and as we are gone.  This will be the first trip HaitiLove takes in 2012, and will be the first trip since relationships have changed with some of the Haitian organizations and people we will be working with.  Please pray that we can build solid and scriptural groundwork for this organization and for the Gospel in this country.  Please pray for the health of all our team members, and that we might be consistently and earnestly praying for and preparing for  this trip, even this far in advance.  Please pray for the hearts of those that we meet and interact with, that the Spirit might open their eyes to the truth of the Gospel.  Pray we might find the financial resources to make this trip happen, and for the resources for it to be fruitful.   Please take some time and pray, and if you would like to donate, please email me, call me, or otherwise track me down (in the virtual or physical realm!).  Regardless, please pray with us.  Our church is young and small, but we desperately desire to see the kingdom of God advanced, and we need your prayer to make this happen. My heart just aches for these people, but I cannot do this alone.  Please, please pray with us. 

I cannot wait to tell you all about our preparation for this trip as it continues, and all of the mighty things God does during this time.  Know that I love you all, and pray for you regularly. 

In Christ’s abundant blessings,

K

The Finals Week from Hell: Fall Semester in Retrospect

So here we are, on the brink of a new semester, and all the blogging I had planned for christmas break didn't get done at all.  Oops.  I guess I was too busy having fun.  :)

There are lots of things I had planned on blogging about.  Tim Tebow and the Broncos.  Skiing.  Fun times with the family.  The meaning of Christmas.  Sin.  Joy.  Beautiful baby boys and girls who giggle and make me (momentarily) rethink my "plan" that I don't want children.  But the one thing that I can't shake, the one thing that I think I just HAVE to share, is finals.  Not because it was glorious, but because it was extraordinarily ugly.  And so, so magnificent. 

There's some basic background you need to this story:  I'm not great at school.  I'm about average on intelligence, but my stubborn level (and thus, when I want it to be, my work ethic) is probably in the 99th percentile.  (Seriously, ask my mom.  She'll tell you the same thing).  I don't get great grades, I really struggle with testing, but high school taught me how to B.S. just about anything, so I manage. I'm not outstandingly organized - I only color-code things because I like for things to look like rainbows, not because it's actually something helpful.  I know where all my crap is, but it's chaos to anyone else.  I know how to plan ahead, but just because I know how, doesn't mean I always do it.

In high school (before I was a Christian), I found my justification, my purpose, and my identity to a large degree in my grades.  Not entirely, some of it was found in my athletic ability, my rebellious phase, my "cool factor", my friendships, and other things.  But a lot of it, probably the majority of it, was in my performance at school, and how much I can be involved in.  Since I've become a Christian, I recognize that this is neither healthy or productive, and I've sought to define my identity in one thing only - Christ.  But this has not always been an easy transition.  And I have come a long way, but there is still a long road in front of me. 

And then, this semester, finals came back to bite me, in a big way.  A really big way.  Ask a couple of the girls from my church, they'll tell you what a mess I was.  I think they probably thought someone kidnapped me and replaced me with a crazed, schitzo, manic-depressive clone who was about to burst into tears and/or throw something through a window at any moment.  I feel bad I imposed my very presence on them, that's how much of a nut-job I was. 

In thinking about it in retrospect (always 20/20, right?), I never really got myself together after Haiti.  I jumped straight into traveling and working and family reunions and new bosses and graduations and friends and family... phew!  And then I moved back to DC, and jumped into classes and reading and new work stuff, and friends and a new living situation, and getting behind in classes through something that truly wasn't any fault of my own.  And then 18 credit-hours (mostly upper-level) and church and working 20 hours and crazy professors.... goodness!  So I'm already 6 months exhausted. 

And then finals hit. I'm not sure when this became acceptable, but I took 6 classes.  And I had 9 finals.  Yes, you read that correctly, it's not a type-o.  9 finals.  In one class in particular, I earned 70% of my grade, through 3 COMPLETELY DIFFERENT assignments in the last WEEK (singular) of classes.... (Ridiculous!)  My finals accumulated to 3 comprehensive exams plus 6 research papers which ended up totaling somewhere between 85-100 pages of papers on 6 completely different topics.  And in 3 of those classes, I needed good (B or higher) grades on the finals, or I'd lose my scholarship.  2 of those tests came from crazy-psycho professor who expected way too much out of us (and that's coming from someone who never says that).  Talk about the finals week from hell.

And to top it all off - AU cut off my internet with 2 1/2 weeks left in the semester, for no apparent reason.  And the nearest 24-hour place with internet to me is a 1 mile walk and then a 3 mile bus ride.  What a delightful icing on an already intimidating cake.  *Thank you, AU OIT, you have no idea how much I appreciate you...*  I spent about 12 hours being mad.  And then I realized my being mad wasn't going to fix it.  So I just had to dive in and figure it out.   And nearly all of figuring it out involved relying on the Lord.  In a way I've never done before. 

***Disclaimer:  I'm not saying this for your sympathy, or to point out how much I can juggle successfully.  I'm pointing this out first so that you understand the obstacles I had in my way to remaining faithful to the Lord's plan.  Because He has made it abundantly clear that I am to remain in school right now.  And that plan, unless God provides a giant bag of money from the sky, is going to require my scholarship.  And second, in order that you might understand how desperate I was for any help from the Lord.  Through circumstances almost entirely out of my control, I ended up in this situation, and I had to fight through the victimization mentality, and through the stubborn "I'm a big girl and I can handle anything" mentality and really, really humble myself.***

I hit a point about a week and a half into it, writing papers, where all I could muster was 10 minutes of writing.  Then I'd go read the Bible and pray for 5.  Then write for ten.  Pray for five.  Repeat.  Over and over.  All.  Night.  Long.  And I just kept saying, "Lord, this is all I've got left.  This is it.  I'm giving it everything, and this is just going to have to be enough.  Because even though it's not much, I really truly don't have anything more than this."  I'm sure the other people at the 24-hour Starbucks thought I was completely crazy looking, frantically writing for ten minutes, spread out over 2 chairs and an entire coffee table, and then pulling out my Bible and my journal at various intervals, fighting off tears.

I was desperate.  For anything.  For any sense of relief.  The enemy sent so many discouraging thoughts, discouraging people, and discouraging emotions my way, I could hardly bat them off before the next one hit me.   One of my friends, M., kept encouraging me (so well, so wonderfully - what a blessing she was!!).  She kept saying, "You're going to make it!  I promise!" And on a rational level, I knew that was true.  I knew that even an entire week with not a single second of sleep would not actually kill me.  That I was not in any way in danger.  But so often, I didn't believe it - really.  I didn't know if I was going to make it through without being institutionalized.  I thought "Oh, Lord, I'm not sure!  I'm not sure I can! I don't have it in me!"  I didn't see people, I skipped meals and nights of sleep, the only thing I did was work on school.  Without reprieve.  I was so, so very tired.  All I wanted to do was just sit and cry.  But I knew if I let myself do that I wouldn't be able to pick myself up again, and keep going, so I just fought it.  I knew if one tear fell, it would be over.  And so I read the Psalms.  Over and over.  Especially Psalm 25 and Psalm 103.  I just prayed through them over and over, and over and over.  Never have I ever read one chapter of the Bible so many times in such a short span of time.

I honestly can't recall ever being that desperate for the hand and presence of God.  And you know what? That saying that says, "God won't ever give you more than you can handle"?  I'm here to tell you that's CRAP.  Blarney.  Hogwash.  Hooey.  Absolute bullshit.  God OFTEN gives us more than we can handle.  But you know what?  He NEVER gives us more than HE can handle (I mean, He is the God of the Universe.  There's nothing He can't handle!).  And that was where I was.  I could not do what I needed to do alone.  I needed God.  Truly needed Him.  For me and for my grades.  Not for my glory, for His.

I had to fight through the pride that wanted to ask for good grades so that I could build myself up.  But I fought through, to a place where I could honestly say, "Lord, I don't care what grades I get.  I really don't.  But if you want me to stay in school, you're going to have to get me through this, because I don't see a way out.  I can't do this.  Any of it.  If this is where you want me, you're going to have to do the heavy lifting.  And I'll give you the credit you deserve.  But this is ALL you."

And you know what?  God was GOOD!  SO, ABUNDANTLY GOOD TO ME!!!!!!! I ended up with MUCH better grades than I expected, and I hung on to my scholarship by more than the skin of my teeth like I was expecting.  I saw the grace and provision of God in his Body (oh, praise the Lord for His community!!!), in his protection of me, in his great and abiding peace.  In his sovereign provision of internet when I really needed it, and closing time when what I really needed was sleep.  With friends who helped me, both in class and out of it, with coffee that actually helped me, with professors who were graciously understanding of my situation.  Grace beyond my wildest imagination. 

It wasn't at all pretty.  Or fun.  Or an experience I would want to repeat.  Ever.  But the Lord taught me so much - I had to cling so desperately to Him, I had to not just lean on Him, but throw myself at His feet and beg for him to carry me, and through it, I saw and experienced the sanctification of the Spirit in new ways, the continued destruction of idols, the faithfulness of the Father, treasured the propitiation, justification, and redemption of the Son in new and more meaningful ways,  and experienced the rest and peace of the Lord.  And I learned that sometimes the best, most wonderful moments are experienced when there is absolutely nothing else left. 

And there's nobody I'd rather walk through that week with than my Abba.

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part III: Men

This is part 3 of a series.  You can also read Part 1 here, and read part 2 here.

I had a friend (a male) open a car door for me the other day.  It wasn't just a passing thing - he insisted. But the thing is, he wasn't hitting on me.  He wasn't demeaning me, but he wasn't hitting on me either.  He was simply treating me with the utmost respect in the manner he though appropriate.  I was beside myself.  I didn't know how to react.  I'm so used to fending for myself, and to holding up the walls around my vulnerability and my independence, that I didn't know what to do.  I've never, ever in my life had a man intentionally seek to open a door for me.  It's started to make me rethink how I treat men....

Am I treating men with respect when I demand that I do everything myself?  I certainly don't mind being needed; I'm often (though, in my sinful flesh, not always) happy to help people.  It makes me feel valuable and wanted.  I think men are even more programmed to think and behave that way.  When I demand that I do things under my own power, I am not only depriving men of the opportunity to serve me, but I am essentially telling them that their help is not good enough.  I would hate that, if someone did that to me....

What else do I do that does not respect men?  Where else do I think I am enabling myself, when really, I am only hurting myself and others around me?

This is where the issue of understanding my womanhood as a single woman comes into play.  I ought to be seeking to be a godly woman right now.  That is not something which waits to be cultivated until marriage.  Just as we don't wait to cultivate a good football team with solid plays and good communication until game day (unless, apparently, you're the Broncos...), I ought not be waiting to cultivate my godly womanhood until marriage. 

I say I am looking for a man to do ministry with - that in seeking a husband, my primary goal is to do ministry in a way that I would not be able to do otherwise.  And I say that, but do I always mean it?  In my head I mean it - I think, gosh, if I find a man who I love and am attracted to and can do ministry with me, I'll marry him.  But if he doesn't met all of those criteria, then I won't marry and I'll just do ministry alone.  But is that really what I'm seeking?  Or am I just too afraid to try a messy relationship with another sinner?  What would this relationship even look like?

And the thing is, I just don't know.  Am I one of those women who is called to singleness for the rest of my life?  I don't know.  I heard a sermon once about relationships, and the pastor said that if we were one of those people called to a life of singleness, we'd know.  Otherwise, our goal should be to pursue godly dating and a godly view of sex and relationships until we are married.  But the thing is, I'm not sure if I'm one of those "single" people or not... I have yet to feel that I "need" a man.  I'm quite content to do life in a single fashion - now.  So does that make me someone who is called to singleness?  But I don't know if I'll always feel that way.  I do desire to get married - someday (I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't).  But I don't know what being in a relationship in which both people are pursing God more than they are pursuing one another even looks like or acts like or feels like.  And I want someone to show me, so that I can know for sure.  So that I can try it and say - yes, this is something I think I am supposed to have in my life, this is something that I think God has called me to, or so I can say - no, this is not what God has called me to.  God has called me to a life of singleness and contentment in him alone.  And then I can stop wondering and move on.

Part of me wonders if I'm too weak to handle a relationship.  That I would be the worst Christian wife ever, because I wrestle with defining what my role is, and acting on it.  What if I'm too much of a sinner to be able to balance a relationship with a man and a relationship with God and His local church and work and whatever else I'm up to?  Part of me thinks that I would begin to idolize that man, that I would be simultaneously too afraid to let myself go and too involved to get out. 

But then part of me thinks that I'm too weak to handle life alone.  That without someone to come home to at the end of the day, without someone to point me and guide me, without that solidarity and consistency, especially with what God has called me to do, that I would simply fall apart and be of no use to anyone. 

The thought of being married scares me a little.  But so does the thought of never getting married.  The thought of going to a third world country like the DRC or rural Pakistan completely alone, without a husband, without a brother in Christ to support me and love me and walk with me through that experience, to hold me accountable, to encourage me and to talk with me, to balance me out... that terrifies me.  And so I feel stuck... 

I want to be running after Christ with such fierce tenacity that my husband has to run with me to not loose me to God.  I want him to be in front of me so that I can draft off him when I am tired, so that he can show me the way when I am lost, and I want to be strong enough to pick him up when he falls.  I want to be so wrapped up in Christ that we cannot help but be wrapped up together.  I want to have the singular sense of companionship in Christ with one another that I see in some of the marriages at church.

But I'm beginning to think that I'm too afraid of being let down that I won't open myself to the fact that God may in fact have a husband in my future.  I may even already know him.  Why should I doubt that?  What reason, what possible cause could I have for not trusting in the Lord, the creator of the universe, who has my life in His hands?  I'd rather have God in control of my life than myself - I'm going to screw it up.  But God?  God will not screw up.  He does not make mistakes.  He has not let me down to this point, and He will not let me down in the future.  If God promises me a husband, He will give one to me.  It may not be in my timing.  It may not be who I think or when I think or how I think, but He will deliver on his promises.  He always does.  Why am I so afraid of letting God make that promise to me?  Am I afraid that I will not hear that promise?  Or am I afraid that I will hear that promise?

I honestly don't know.

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part II: Marriage

Biblical womanhood is something I have been wrestling with for the last year - sometimes rather reluctantly.  What does it look like?  Especially for me - how does it affect me personally - a woman who isn't sure she's ever going to get married?  What does it mean for the woman who used to be a staunch feminist and is now pretty sure that most "real" feminists would be ashamed of her, but is also reluctant to let go of that title (fear of man, anyone)?  In a world that simultaneously tells me that women are distinctly less than men, and that women are exactly equal to men in every way, where does the Biblical truth lie? And how do I go from the former extremes to the truth?

This is (for some of you) going to be a scary thing to hear from me, but I'm slowly changing my mind about what biblical womanhood ought to look like.  I believe the Bible - the word of the holy and living God - says that wives ought to submit to their husbands.  Yes, it's true - I said it.  It's in the Bible pretty clearly.  Over and over.  I'm not entirely sure it's something that I like...  and it's definitely not something I understand.  I've never been in a (romantic) relationship that is built on God instead of self (I'm only now learning how to have a friendship built on this premise).  The word "submission" still makes me twitch and cringe and wiggle around with great discomfort, and occasionally anger and resentment.

But my pastors have challenged me to examine whether I am projecting my own desires and views onto the Bible, or if I am truly allowing the Bible to shape and change the way I interact with the world.  And so I have begun examining.  And one thing that has come to light is that the Bible is clear - wives ought to submit to their husbands.  The flip side of that coin, of course, is that husbands ought to love their wives the way Christ loved the church.  If that were happening, then submission wouldn't be such an issue.  (But, as sinners, no matter how hard we might try, none of us are the husbands or wives we ought to be. Therein lies the root of the extreme worldviews mentioned above.)

This whole concept makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  I don't like the idea of submitting to anyone.  I don't even always like submitting to God - sometimes that involves doing or saying things that make me (and others around me) very uncomfortable.  But to submit myself to a human man?!  That seems like too much to ask on some days.

And then I look around.  I look around my church and I see marriages that work.  Marriages based on this principle of reciprocal submission and love.  Not just my pastors' marriage, but just regular couples in the church.  It really truly works.  I don't get it.  It really freaks me out some days.  But I can see that the marriages of the church are truly more robust, healthier, and more fulfilling than any other marriage I've ever seen.
 
It still makes me nervous.  I'm still resistant, and hesitant. 

But when it comes down to it, understanding what a Biblical marriage ought to look like is rooted in my understanding of my identity as a woman of Christ.  Throughout the Bible, God uses the metaphor of a prostitute, of an unworthy bride to symbolize the church, with Him as the bridegroom.

I am that prostitute.  I am the one who returns to my evil ways, despite the love of the Lord.  I follow my own plans, rather than His.  I whore myself out to the world, to the traps of pursuit of glory, money, power, fame, success, living the American dream, and many other things which, in the end enslave me.  But I don't see that.  I am the one who all too happily and freely gives out her identity and security to the nearest and easiest promise, which is almost always one of the world and not of God.

And God still pursued (and continues to pursue) me.  My sinful and wretched heart.  To the point of Marriage.  Forever and ever.  With me.  A filthy whore. All I have to do is not run away. 

Why then, should I wait to understand what Biblical marriage looks like?  If marriage between a man and a woman is to be a reflection of the marriage covenant between Christ and his church, shouldn't I seek to understand that as fully and deeply as I can, now?  Shouldn't I, as a single Christian woman who has time and intelligence and reason and community, understand the Biblical marriage covenant better than anyone?

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part I: Sex

So there was a sermon a couple weeks ago about sex.  Yes, you read that correctly - it's not a type-o.  Sex.  We talked about it.  In church.  With my pastor...  Awkward? There were definitely moments.  Important and enlightening? Absolutely.    (It was actually very, very good.  You can listen to it at http://www.restorationchurchdc.com/2011/09/a-biblical-view-of-sex/ It was extremely edifying and well-handled.)

We talked about why it's important to talk about sex.  Especially in church.  We talked about what sex should be and what sex shouldn't be. Because let's face it - sex is something that gets talked about outside the church.  A lot.  We're bombarded with it.  So maybe it's something we should talk about in church too. 

It's something I've heard over and over - you don't have sex 'til your married, otherwise you're a dirty filthy whore.  You don't talk about masturbation, or about desires, or about struggling with singleness.  Porn is a no-no, and if you're stuck in a porn addiction, you ought to be ashamed of yourself and just buck up and pull yourself out by your bootstraps, because real godly men don't ever struggle with that issue.  And women don't struggle with any of this.  Sex is for marriage, so just hold on until you get there, but even then, don't talk about it!  It's still kinda dirty and we don't really want to think that we enjoy something like that, because we were told it was bad for all our lives!

The reality is that men and women alike, Christian or not, struggle with things like porn, masturbation, having sex outside of marriage, lustful thoughts, homosexual behaviour, dressing inappropriately, not guarding their hearts, and otherwise engaging in inappropriate behavior.  Statistics say it's rampant, friends experiences say its rampant - even my experience tells me it's rampant.  So yea, I'd say it's a pretty important thing to talk about.  No matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

I have very people very near and dear to my heart who have had sex outside of marriage.  Who have objectified members of the opposite sex.  Who have lusted after a relationship (sometimes even a relationship for the sake of itself) for the physical element.  Who have dressed inappropriately to get attention.  Who have been involved in porn and masturbation.  I myself have struggled with nearly every one of these things at some point in my life.  And they are issues that need to be addressed in a healthy, biblical manner - which means we have to talk about them.

This sermon raised some interesting issues.  How should we talk about sex?  How should we talk about marriage, for that matter?  What about gender roles?  What about defining biblical manhood and womanhood, singleness, and relationships?  Why are they important to talk about?  

Sex ought to be a good thing.  It's healthy, it's joyful - it's something God created! When Adam and Eve started having sex in the garden, it wasn't a surprise to God.  Sex is good.  But only in the context in which God ordained.  But that's not the answer the world likes.  The world would have you believe that sex with anyone, anywhere, anytime = freedom and happiness.  But my pastor gave an analogy, and its one that merits repeating.  Imagine there's a train.  On the tracks, it's free to go wherever it wants, as efficiently as it pleases, arriving on time and safely.  The train is doing exactly what it is designed to do, and is doing it well, so we say it is good.  If you put that very same train in the very same spot, but without the tracks, it will not go anywhere.  Before, it was "confined" by the tracks.  Now, you say, you have set the train free!  But where will the train go?  What will it do?  Will it do it well?  No.  Such are God's mandates for our lives.  The rules exist in order to give us freedom, not to take it away from us.  The question then becomes - do I love God's authority more than I love my own authority?  Am I willing to submit myself to the Lord's will for my life - including in this area?

What does a biblical view of sex mean for me?  I'll be blatantly honest for a moment: the desire is there.  I desire to have sex.  God gave me that desire, so that's ok.  But I'm not married.  I'm not even in a romantic relationship of any sort.  So how do I balance those two things?

Primarily, I think I (we) need to understand that sex is not the end-all-be-all of relationships, of my experience here on earth, or of enjoying someone else's company, be it in a Biblical marriage or not.   Culture certainly tells me that it is.  Even the church sometimes tells me that it is.  The "just hold on until you get there" line - what about the people who never get married?  The church sometimes treats sex in the same manner that culture treats it - it's just the flip side of the same coin.  It's hyped up into something more than what it is - something it shouldn't be. 

If I may, I'll have another honest moment:  There is a chance I will die a virgin.  And that just has to be ok.  Because to say that it is not would be to up-end the order which God created, and to fancy myself having a better comprehension of good than God - which is absurd.  His glory is ultimate.  Everything else is not.  Will there be sex in heaven?  I don't know.  Maybe, maybe not (that's a debate for another time). But the bottom line is, sex is not the only way to glorify God.  It is not even the best way (perhaps you disagree?  Let's talk.  I'd be interested to hear what you have to say - but that is not a conversation for this particular blog post).  Glorifying God is my ultimate mission - not pursuing my own pleasures.  I don't exactly know what that means for me yet, but I know that God is in control.  And I am not. And I will (humbly attempt, and often fail to) submit myself to his Holy and almighty authority.

Oh, How The Joy Overfloweth!

I have a lot to blog about.  From the summer, from DC, about my new tattoo (yes, tattoo...), school, and many other things.  But one thing comes to the forefront at this particular moment:

I am so, so blessed!  Beyond my comprehension.  Not just in my ability to go to school (though that is a HUGE blessing in so many ways), the fact that I won the genetic and geographic "lottery" (although I don't believe it was random in any manner), have access to basic amenities and have avoided much (though not all) discrimination in life, or in the fact that I have the most wonderful family anyone could ask for, but in another way that is particularly unexpected....(though let me be clear - all these are things that are very very true, and very very apparent to me as enormous provisions from the hand of the Almighty).

No, I am blessed tonight because of one thing - Restoration Church (specifically, the women there).  I never, ever thought I would count a group of women sitting around a table making cards (yes, you read that correctly - making cards) as one of the biggest blessings in my life, but oh, how it is such a blessing!  I cannot tell you what a joy and an honor it is to be counted among these women as a friend and sister in Christ!  I have never, ever felt so beloved by a community in my life [not counting, of course, my family - by a chosen community, I suppose...].  Least of all did I expect it to be a group of Southern, Church-going (Baptist, for that matter!) women who sit around and make their own cards who would fill the shoes of the community I did not know I needed, and thought I did not want.  But they have filled it, and the cup overfloweth (oh, how it overflows!!!!)....

The Lord, in his Almighty and perfect providence, provided to me something I did not know I wanted, or needed.  But good gracious!  These women, despite knowing the dirty, dark, and un-sanctified places of my heart, still love me in a way I thought only existed in fairy tales.  I did not grow up with a close group of women who loved me whole-heartedly and joyfully.  I distrusted women, especially adult women, and did not seek their company.  I did not want anything to do with these women when I first walked through the doors of RC.  But they pulled me in anyways (and what fun it has been!)....

So now I spend my Friday evenings making delightful and gorgeous cards, and laughing so hard I think I'm going to pee my pants.  And feeling more loved than I have ever, ever felt before. 

Despite the mess that I am, I have not been this joyful in a long, long time.  

Apologetics and Ritual Boredom

I recently have been on an apologetics/research hunt.  It's been really fun, and I've been learning a lot.  I am reading just about every Theology textbook I can get my hands on (thanks M., for your generous donation to my intellectual and spiritual growth!), and doing a lot of research online.  During this hunt, I found a website dedicated to the book Pagan Christianity, by Frank Viola and George Barna.  It was then that I stumbled upon this quote regarding church, and why Viola, who used to be a pastor, left the institutional church. 

"Thus for me, if a ritual becomes boring, it simply means that it lacks life and should be changed so that God’s people can re-connect with their risen Lord who is anything but boring"

For a split second, I thought why yes, that sounds exactly right!  If God is not boring, then all things relating to God should not be boring, so this makes sense!  Then I paused for a moment to consider the thought more carefully, and discovered something -- it is this attitude which is actually destroying local church, rather than building it up. 

What's tricky about this premise is that the underlying assumption is actually completely correct.  God is not a boring, small, timid or simple God.  He is Big, and Powerful, and complex beyond our wildest imagination.  God is, in all senses of the word, awesome and wonderful. 

The problem comes when we shift that boredom from the Character of God, to our own emotions and moods regarding God.  God is never boring, but we as humans are often bored with God.  It is a problem, a genuine display of how broken and fundamentally backwards we are as humans.  When we attribute our own boredom to the rituals associated with God, and claim that it is the rituals which have failed and not us, we are in essence placing ourselves above the divine ordination of God, and above our own sin.  Not only is this a dangerous denial of our own essence and God's divine providence, but it is this very attitude which I think has led to so many problems within the church. 

We are designed to need God, not the other way around.  God has absolutely no need of us, not even of our worship and praise.  We are not giving God anything He doesn't already have when we do these things.  Those rituals are given for our benefit, not God's. Perhaps boredom then ought to be interpreted as a warning sign that something is not right in our hearts, that we are struggling with a deeper sin issue than we perhaps realize.  When we become bored in church, it is perhaps a warning sign that the church is failing.  But more likely, it is a sign that your heart is failing.  Most likely, the church is still the same church it was when you first joined, it is still healthy and preaching the word and living in genuine and sanctifying community (if, of course, that is actually what it was before).  It is you that have changed, not everyone else. 

Obviously, there are some rituals which are not Biblical, and are entirely man-made.  Regarding these rituals, it is perhaps fair to say that a few of those which are "boring" are not useful, even if they were in the past.  But even that is dangerous.  The mindset framed in the above quote is what leads people to look for churches under the "what I like" premise.  This is when people look for churches based on what they are comfortable with, what "suits them", what they agree with, what churches just "aren't for me".  But God is for you!  All churches are flawed - they are composed of humans.  But this does not mean that there are not good things.  Yes, some churches are healthy, some are surviving, and some are dead.  But not all healthy churches look the same!  Church ought to challenge you, to ask you to grow together and walk together, it should be uncomfortable sometimes.  Similarly, if I get bored doing my quiet time in the mornings, I know that rather than abandoning that practice, I must begin to pray through that ritual, to seek truth and desire - because I know that despite my boredom, the truth is that God commands us to be in his Word constantly.  Boredom is not something that ought to succumbed to, but rather something that must be overwritten with Truth. 
(Here's the link to the q&a page with Viola, if you're interested)  http://www.paganchristianity.org/answers.php