The Hardest Part, Or "How to Talk With Your Friends About Their Trip Overseas"

When I land in the US in 5 or so days, one of the hardest parts of my trip is just beginning: re-adjusting. I struggle exponentially more with reverse culture-shock than with actually adjusting to a new culture.  [Not everyone is that way, but more people than you might think have a hard time re-adjusting to being back in their home culture.]  It's not because I hate America (I don't, I love America!), it's not because I feel like I don't have friends in America (I have missed my friends desperately while I've been here!), it's not even that I feel like I identify more with Russian culture (there are some things here that make me absolutely crazy).  I'm not even sure I could tell you why I struggle so much with it, I just know that I do. 

I also know that there are a lot of people who don't understand that.  Some people haven't spent a lot of time abroad, or they have and they haven't ever experienced this.  Some people struggle a lot the other way - they have a much harder time with culture shock, and much less so when they return home.  Some people think differently.  Some people are able to separate what they did with their life at home.  Some people aren't as emotional, or maybe just deal with it better.  I'm sure there are more reasons.

However, if I may, I'd like to add my voice to the cacophony about working abroad, and coming home.  In no particular order, here are a few ways you can love us well when we come back:

1.  Don't ask vague questions.  Asking "how was [insert country/city of choice]?" is possibly the most overwhelming question you can think of in the days and weeks following our return.  

I know that it's kind of a reflexive part of a greeting in America.  But it's ridiculous.  Instead, asking questions like "so tell me about two or three of your favorite moments", or "what was your favorite thing about the culture?", or "what was an average day/week like for you?" gives us something concrete to start with.  Trust me, we'll probably have plenty to talk about from just that one question. 

2.  Keep asking us.  For weeks, keep asking.  Processing sometimes doesn't even start until we get home, and it definitely doesn't stop when we get home, so we will be working through this experience for weeks/months.  When I have to compartmentalize the last 6 months (or 1 week) of my life and pretend that it didn't happen, or isn't relevant today, I'm ignoring a huge part of what is going on in my life NOW.  Even though I'm home physically, my heart and mind are still split between two places, processing that experience.  So keep asking.

3.  When you ask, be ready to listen.  If you're not ready to listen, don't ask.  [You can also say something to the effect of, "I'd love to hear about your trip, can we get together later and talk about it?".]  Not everyone is a verbal processor, but for those of us who are, just letting us talk (sometimes for 30 or 45 minutes without stopping) is the best thing you can do for us.  Ask follow up questions.  And then just listen.  And then ask more.

4.  When you ask (sometimes, even if you don't ask), be ready for some tears.  (Yes, this applies equally to men and women).  Going to other countries for Work is hard.  Especially if we did it alone, but even with a partner or team.  Coming back is hard.  Usually, no matter how wonderful or perfect the trip was, we are hurting for some reason or another when we get back.  This is a good thing - it means that God is molding us.  Don't assume that when we cry, the trip was bad.  But be willing to sit with us when we do.  And to hear the hard answers to your questions, because no trip is ever perfect, and there's always more to be done.  

5.  When you ask, be ready to hear "I don't want to talk about that right now".  Sometimes, especially in the day or two after we return, and you're the 18th person we've seen, we just don't have the energy to answer you.  Especially if the 17 people before you asked the daunting "how was _____?" question.  Don't let that deter you - ask us again later!  If you get that answer, show us grace.  Give us a hug and move on.  We know you want to hear, and we want to answer you well.  Processing (no matter how you do it) is hard and takes a lot of energy.  If you do get that answer, sometimes you talking about YOUR life for 30 or 45 minutes can be the best way to serve us. 

6.  Lean on us.  We're probably going to be doing a lot of leaning on you in the weeks after we get back (for both practical and spiritual reasons).  Don't forget to lean on us, too.   When we get back, often we feel like we've missed out on life - everyone carried on without us.  We missed events, jokes, moments, meeting new people...  Making us feel useful, needed, missed, loved, and included goes a long way toward restoring our place in the community.   Don't stroke our ego, but don't think that just because we're in the throes of re-adjusting means that you can't cry with us because of something YOU'RE going through.  Solid, two-way relationships are essential. 

These aren't hard-and-fast rules that apply to everyone and every situation.  Use discernment.  But, remember that sometimes coming "home" feels more foreign than leaving.  In light of that, your love and support is absolutely invaluable - if all else fails, go for hugs and the Gospel. 

Carmen Sandiego, and a Brief Update

I told people I wasn't going to use Facebook or Blogger while I was here.  I lied.  There is too much to write about, too much to be said, and too many awesome moments not to share.  (And yes, I will explain my extended hiatus from the written world in a later, soul-baring post.  Fret not.)

To back up: I feel as if my life might be a remake of the game "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" (Does that game reference make me old?  It makes me feel old...).  I have some friends whom I accidentally neglected to tell about my little journey halfway across the world.  Not that it surprised them in the least, anyone who knows me knows that I am a wanderer - something which has only been confirmed the longer I live and the more places I see.  I can't help it, it's who God has made me to be -  it's the only thing I know.

There are people like my grandfather (whom I love very dearly):  He is the kind of man who is perfectly happy to stay in one place for his whole life.  He was born and raised in the midwest.  He never lived further than one state away from where he was born.  He's not much for traveling.  Don't get me wrong, he doesn't live in a cave or under a rock.  He'd just rather read about, see pictures of, or hear from other people who have been to other places, and not have to go himself.  I have a lot to learn from my grandfather about contentedness and perseverance.

Then there are people like my parents (whom I also love dearly):  They like to travel.  Recreationally.  To fun and beautiful places.  Our family vacations involved road trips, airplane rides, train rides... all sorts of transportation to all sorts of places.  (Well, mostly places we could camp and be outside, but that's what you get when Colorado hippies take family vacations. Who ever liked vacations inside anyways?)  They enjoy it for what it is: a brief experience into a new place and (perhaps) a new culture, for a short time.  Then they return home and get on with life.  I have a lot to learn from my parents about stability and practicality.

And then there are people like me:  People who travel to infuse their blood with life and vigor.  People whose passport is in their top five list of most valuable possessions.  My fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants and throw-caution-to-the-wind attitude is distinctly tied to the wandering, nomadic part of my soul.  I desire to (figuratively) get my hands on as much people, place, culture, and experience as I can possibly have in this short life.  And so I am here.  Halfway across the world (well, technically I'm exactly 1/3 of the way around, if you go by time zones), reflecting on who I am and what on earth brought me here.

As I sit on a couch that does not belong to me, in a country where I do not speak the language, having had experiences I did not expect, challenges I did not foresee, and blessings I could never have imagined, with another month of living in this place, I cannot help but feel oddly at home in the chaos of this rhythm.

Plan (optional).  ;)
Pack.
Stamp the passport.
Wonder at a new place.
Gospel.
Laugh.
Be absolutely, utterly alive.
Learn.
Praise the God of the Universe.
Repack.
Breathe.
Have airport adventures.
Pray.
Hear "Welcome Home" from the US Customs agent.
Smile.
Cry.
Pray.
Breathe.
Unpack.
Cry.
Open a new tab on my web browser for the Kayak Explore Website.
Plan (optional).
Repeat.

It's a lifestyle that seems to make some people uncomfortable.  I can understand that.  There are things I sacrifice to live the way I do.  But it's the most honest reflection of who God has created me to be, of the gifts and passions he has given me. This, I think, is going to be my life for the foreseeable future.  With that, I'll tell you I'm somewhere in the middle of the wondering/laughing/praising/learning phase.  And I'll leave you with this small anecdote:

Today, I went to a local gathering of believers, where we sang songs of praise and adoration to our God.  In a room of less than 100 people, there were songs being sung in at least 4 languages, with at least 6 (and almost surely more) people groups represented.   What a tangible representation of the God who is working in the world, and what a marvelous taste of the splendors of heaven!  

The Power of God

One of my professors recently accused me (as a collective part of the class, but I'll admit, it applied to me directly) of being un-educated about the world - insulated by my elite status, economic privilege, and American identity, he said we were not well-travelled or well-read, nor did we demostrate comprehensive (much less exceptional) knowledge of the global community.  Nobody in the room had ever travelled to a country which had US sanctions against it.  Nobody in the room could name the capital of Cote d'Ivoire, or the famous leader of the Ogoni people who was executed by the Nigerian government in 1995.  Nobody could adequately explain US actions against Cuba during the Cold War, or against Iraq during the First Gulf War.** 

And it's true.  While I have travelled some, and I know where on the continent of Africa Cote d'Ivoire is and have a basic understanding of Ogoniland, Cuba, the Cold War, and late 20th century US foreign policy, I couldn't answer any of these questions accurately or in great detail.

And that got me to thinking - he's got a point.  Why don't I know more?  There are people all over the world right now who are probably watching the debates leading up to the US presidential elections, but I couldn't even tell you more than a couple state leaders, much less when they were elected (or took power), who they ran against (or killed), or what their platforms are (or who they hate).  I probably can't even tell you what form of government they have.  In a globalized society, especially as someone who wants to work overseas, isn't this an important thing for me to cultivate?  Shouldn't I be able to discuss these things?

One of the things he said was about making time to watch things like 60 minutes, read the news beyond the front page, and explore other parts of the world.  And then that got me to thinking - yea, right, in all my spare time, let me just pop on the news and take time to know the companies that own other companies that own other companies that are in bed with politicians that are making policy with other politicians that are threatening agriculture in America, and thus determine where I should or shouldn't buy things.  Because that's what I have time for. 

He's right though, if I wanted to make time for it, I could.  I could learn that.

But I started thinking about what I do use my time for, and it looks something like this: get adequate sleep, have good quiet time with God every day, have time to make food for yourself, serve your roomates,  get all your schoolwork done, serve your church body, engage with your city, relax and spend time doing things you enjoy, get out of the city and slow down, get to know people well so that you can love them well, encourage them, speak truth to them, let them speak truth to you, laugh hard, love fiercely, make time to maintain relationships across many miles.... the list goes on.  And I started thinking about what would get cut out to make me a "good world citizen".  And the first thing to go would be my sleep.  And then my time with God.  And then my relationships.  And then my sanity.  And none of those I'm willing to sacrifice.

So you're right, Professor.  I'm a lousy "world citizen".  I'm a lousy International Development student.  I'm a lousy AU student.  I can't name capitals or policies or historic events or politicians.  I can't explain globalization, I can't discuss the US hegemony and it's consequences, and I don't understand the implications of our business ties to other countries.  I don't know a detailed history of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, I don't know the nuances of US foreign alliances, or the politics of the UN.  So you probably shouldn't elect me as president.  But if you asked me to name all the members of my church, I bet I could do it.  If you asked me to tell you about my friends - what they're struggling with, what they're loving, the way they talk, the things God has brought them through, the things they're interested in, the books they're reading, the things God is teaching them now - I could do it.  If you asked me to tell you about how profoundly my own life has been affected by my brothers and sisters in Christ, you'd have me talking for hours.  If you wanted to know the names and some of the stories of the homeless people who live in my 'hood, I could tell you.  If you asked me to tell you what I desire to see from the Church, what my theology is on globalization, and what my role in that is, I could tell you.  If you asked me to tell you about the glories of God - you'd be amazed at how much I know. 

In this city, it's easy to get caught up in what you don't know, and what you should know.  It's easy to find identity and power in being the supreme authority in the room on some global subject matter.  I've fallen into that trap plenty of times myself.  In one of the most powerful cities in the world, surrounded by powerful people, I have to remind myself what true power is.  These people are only politicians and policy-makers by the will of God.  They only have their position because God has deemed it fit for this time and these people.  But I have the holy, perfect, overwhelming love of God - I have His spirit, the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead, the same spirit that raised me from death, into life - and I am to steward that with the gifts He has given me.  And He has given me people. 

So yes, I am insulated in ignorance simply by my relative position in the world.  And yes, I probably ought to know more about the world I live in.  But I would not spend one drop less of time glorifying God and loving people for all the knowledge in the world.  I might be a crappy "world citizen", but that's not what I'm called to be.  I'm called to be a disciple - a little imitation of Christ - and so that's what I'll strive for. 



~~~~~
** For those of you who are curious like me and wondering, here are the (short) answers:
~Cote d'Ivoire's capital is Yamoussoukro;
~The president of the Movement for the Survival of the Ogoni People (MOSOP) executed in 1995 was Kenule "Ken" Beeson Saro Wiwa;
~The US sanctions against Cuba were initiated because Cuba nationalized all business, and expropriated that land owned by US businesses to the state;
~The sanctions against Iraq during the 1990-1991 period were initiated because Iraq invaded Kuwait and annexed and re-appropriated oil drilling on which the US was dependent.  So there you have it. 

Perpetual Chaos and Beautiful People

When I planned out this summer, it didn't sound quite so overwhelming.  Granted, I didn't really plan half of what happened, and the other half I didn't really think about.  It sounded like an epic adventure that I'd read about from some well-travelled author, or something that would go on my bucket list but never be achieved.

Let's just call it what it is: I'm a nomad, by nature. I'm someone who doesn't really settle in, who doesn't nest, and who has spent the better part of her adult life running away from roots rather than putting them down.  It's something God is working on in my heart.

But this summer, He graciously allowed me to indulge my desires to run rampant around this beautiful globe and play like a kid in a sandbox!  Not only did He allow it, but He actively orchestrated it without me even realizing it was happening!  And what a joy it was to see His work being actively and wholeheartedly pursued around the globe, in ways I never thought I'd get to see.  My God is up to something in the hearts of so many people, He is working mightily in so many places - and everywhere, He is the same! I have been reminded of how incredibly, faithfully consistent my God is.  His hesed love, his covenant with his people - how it is being worked out everywhere in this world!

Only now, nearly 2 months after returning from my latest trip, am I finally able to step back and look at the last 5 months as a whole.  I spent so much time getting ready to travel or processing each trip, that I wasn't able to step back and see the whole thing until recently.  I traveled from the West to East coast of this country (~3200 miles and 12 states), to 2 countries in the Caribbean and one in Central Asia.  Everywhere I went, I saw the beauty of God's character, the majesty of His work, and the love of His people manifested in new and bright and breathtaking ways.   I'm so thankful for the brothers and sisters who prayed relentlessly for each trip, for the the family who funded much of it, for the friends who were able to accompany me, and the new friendships formed.

Now, it's all catching up with me.  The exhaustion.  The processing.  The sitting still.  The Lord has taken this season of indulgence and used it to bring me into a season of challenges.   It's just one of those times when I have to fight for everything.  I am mourning, learning, re-evaluating, seeing sins, and learning about service.  It's a hard season.  But a good one.  It is a season of complete and utter dependence on the Lord of creation. 

This is a season I could not survive, however, without my dear brothers and sisters in Christ.  The ways God is working on my heart are profound and beautiful - I am learning to trust people, to open up to people, to love and serve those around me, and to be loved and served.  I am more thankful than ever that the Lord has redeemed not only me as an individual, but his whole Bride.  I could not persevere through this without their support and love.  

And I am abundantly thankful that He knows my heart so well, that he could orchestrate such a wonderfully delightful summer, and simultaneously give me the best and most supportive church family to come home to. 

The Epic Road Trip, Part I: West Coast to Denver

As it turns out, my summer is full of a lot of travelling.

I know, I know, you all are thinking about how hard this is going to be on me, and how much I hate travelling and how much this surprises you, but don't worry, I think I'll manage.  Somehow.   ;) 

First on the list:  Cross-country road trip.  This happened by accident, it wasn't supposed to be a part of my summer, but it ended up being a great (albeit accidentally put together) opportunity, so being me, I grabbed the bull by the horns and took it!  :)  

(if you want pictures, you will have to go to Facebook, adding pictures made this post way too long) 

I flew from DC to San Jose, where I met up with my bestie Angela, and we hung out in San Francisco for a day.  It was a whirlwind tour of the city, but we drove past Candlestick Park and AT&;T Park, and along the Embarcadero. We walked through Chinatown and the Financial District, saw Grace Cathedral, Nob Hill, and the Ferry Building (where I had the best coffee of my life - yes, even better than Dominican coffee) before driving up to Coit Tower to see Lombard Street, and then through North Beach and to the Wharf. We hung out along the Wharf, walked out to Pier 39, saw Alcatraz, and ate deliciously fattening clam chowder and a Ghirardelli shake from the original factory before we headed home.  

Yes, we did all that in 6 hours.  :)  It was awesome.  Also, San Francisco = maybe the coolest city ever.  If you haven't been, it should immediately be bumped to the top of your vacation to-do list.  

For those of you who are extremely observant, and noticed an important landmark missing from the above lightning-speed tour of the city, fret not my friends.  Yes, I did manage to see the Golden Gate Bridge (although to my mother's relief I did not get to bike across it, nor did I get to go BASE jumping off it, nor did I get to scale one of it's spindly red pinnacles and hang precariously from the top.  It seems as though at least one of these ought to be on my bucket list, just for kicks...).  We drove out that way the next morning as we left the city.  Yes, it was amazing at it seems in the pictures.  And I got to do it all with one amazing best friend.

For our next breathtaking stop, we drove over Donner Pass, and to Lake Tahoe.  Oh. My. Goodness.  This place is beautiful.  We stopped and just stood, in our shorts and t-shirts, almost in disbelief that there is a place with a real, honest to goodness sand beach, a huge lake (big enough for all watersport, except whale hunting or marlin wrangling, but unless you're the foolish old man from The Old Man and the Sea - which is a worthless story - marlin wrangling probably isn't your thing...), AND real, snow-capped mountains, all with 70 degree weather along the water.  I am not kidding you.  It is as gorgeous as it sounds.  But don't worry, my Colorado loyalty is still in tact.  

We then spent the night in the middle-of-nowhere Nevada (which is not a particularly beautiful state, for the record...).  The next day was full of just as much excitement, in a different sort of way.  

We hopped in the car around 7am, and got in about 3 hours of driving before the unforeseen hit... Gertrude's transmission went out on us, right at the Utah-Nevada border.  Here's how that went:

We were able to get poor Gertude going enough to get the two miles from where she wanted to die to the nearest mechanic, where she officially died in the parking lot.  It took another 4-ish hours to diagnose the problem, figure out what we were going to do about it, and how to get everything back to Denver.  We ended up waiting another 2 1/2 hours in the casino (the ONLY place to hang out, which was back over the Nevada border - yes, I think this town exists strictly for gambling...), while we waited for a friend of Angela's dad to come get us.  After we loaded up his truck, said our sad goodbyes to poor old Gertie, we drove 2 hours to Salt Lake City.  

Let's just take a moment and count the blessings here, shall we?:  Broke down in the morning, in the daylight, along a well-traveled and easy highway.  Only 2 miles from one of the only mechanics between Reno and Salt Lake.  Managed to get the car to said mechanic without a tow truck.  Had the kindest, most generous, very knowlegeable mechanic anyone could ever have asked for.  Had a friend in Salt Lake.  Said friend in Salt Lake fed us, drove with us, let us nap in their guest room, and were some of the friendliest, most generous people I've ever met.  Was with my best friend.  My best friend has a family that I completely, 100% trust.  Can we just say that God is so good?!    

Aside: Salt Lake City is so much prettier than I thought it would be.  Also, fun fact: Salt Lake is super shallow (mostly less than 15 feet).  

We waited another two hours at this friends house (they were so kind and gracious, and they even fed us an amazingly delicious dinner) before Angela's dad arrived, where we loaded up the car, turned around, and drove straight back to Denver.  Driving through the night did not make my mother happy - even after I reminded her that I refrained from attempting some crazy stunt off the Golden Gate Bridge.  But, we were still home in time for Mother's day.  

This was the boring part of the trip - it was dark outside, so I took a grand total of 3 pictures, and slept for most of the trip (when I wasn't driving).  Besides, it was mostly Wyoming, which has gorgeous parts, but also has ugly parts, so it was ok.  

I was welcomed back to a foggy, overcast (but nonetheless beautiful) Denver around 6am.  Home at last.  :)  

Here's to hoping part 2 won't be quite as dramatic!  :)  

***!!!!WE'RE GOING BACK!!!!***

Hello Friends!  It is my privilege and joy to tell you that I will be returning to Haiti in a little less than 6 weeks (my spring break)!   My heart is just overflowing with joy as I write this, but also with confidence and hopefulness that the Lord will provide health, finances, opportunity, people, and resources for us to take this trip – it is going to cost $1100 per person, but it is worth the time and effort to see God’s Kingdom proclaimed and advanced.

I am going again with a team of 8 from my church (another team of 8 will go down in early June), in our partnership with HaitiLove The trip itself, however, will look a bit different than last year.  As circumstances, the political environment, and our knowledge of the situation in Haiti have changed, there have been some shifts in the way that HaitiLove, and thus Restoration Church, are interacting with and caring for the people of Haiti.  Also, because of the instability and constantly changing circumstances in Haiti, our itinerary is not yet solidified.  But the flights are booked (Praise God!), so regardless of what we end up doing, or where we are, we will be going to serve the Lord and build His Kingdom!  

The plan is to leave Washington, DC early the morning of March 10^th, and fly to Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic.  From there we will hopefully be going to Puerto Plata, DR.  This is a beach resort town (but we won’t be doing any lounging…) in the DR, where Haitians often migrate to in an attempt to find work, if they can cross the border.  The problem is that the Haitian-Dominican relations are not good, and so the Haitians at this resort are not paid fairly, are discriminated against, and often find that they are not even recognized by the government.   We will be working with this group of people, and a local church there to help build a community center that will serve as a church, clinic, shelter, and anything else. 

We will then go to Phaeton, Haiti, where we will attempt to build a church in this small town.  This community has no healthy churches in or around the area, but there are a few Haitians who have been connected with HaitiLove, and through this partnership we now have the opportunity to help get a healthy church off the ground in an area that desperately needs it.   We will then return to the United States on Saturday the 17^th. 

Although this trip looks much different, I am blessed by the opportunity to go and share the Gospel.  The Haitian community in general is severely lacking in leadership and spiritual maturity, and this trip is an opportunity to help build on this.  We have, as a church, been building a children’s curriculum, a pastor’s curriculum, and a women’s curriculum for HaitiLove, in hopes that they can consistently teach Scripture and truth to those they interact with.  The goal is to build consistently across the various teams that are able to take short-term trips, that the ministry might be more effective. 

We need your help to do this.  Please spend some time in prayer with us for this trip.  Haiti is a dark place, and we need many people praying for us now, and as we are gone.  This will be the first trip HaitiLove takes in 2012, and will be the first trip since relationships have changed with some of the Haitian organizations and people we will be working with.  Please pray that we can build solid and scriptural groundwork for this organization and for the Gospel in this country.  Please pray for the health of all our team members, and that we might be consistently and earnestly praying for and preparing for  this trip, even this far in advance.  Please pray for the hearts of those that we meet and interact with, that the Spirit might open their eyes to the truth of the Gospel.  Pray we might find the financial resources to make this trip happen, and for the resources for it to be fruitful.   Please take some time and pray, and if you would like to donate, please email me, call me, or otherwise track me down (in the virtual or physical realm!).  Regardless, please pray with us.  Our church is young and small, but we desperately desire to see the kingdom of God advanced, and we need your prayer to make this happen. My heart just aches for these people, but I cannot do this alone.  Please, please pray with us. 

I cannot wait to tell you all about our preparation for this trip as it continues, and all of the mighty things God does during this time.  Know that I love you all, and pray for you regularly. 

In Christ’s abundant blessings,

K

Haiti Update

For those of you out there who are reading this to hear updates about my trip to Haiti, here you go:

I made my first payment (of $600) a week ago.  I got almost half of that raised in support from you guys, so thank you so very much to all of you who have been praying and giving - God has been faithful! 

Having to make that payment finally made it real.  I'm going to Haiti!  In 6 and a half weeks (which means I only have like 4 weeks of school left!), I'm leaving the country for a week.  I'm nervous and excited.  I've done the majority of my mission work with one organization, and mostly in the United States (although if you count Native American reservations as something different, it's about half and half...).  This will be a new experience - going with a new church and a new organization to a new country.  This is the first time I'll be doing mission work as more than a nominal Christian - which both terrifies me and excites me in a way I can't describe. 

I think (I hope and pray) that, at least on a financial level, this trip is going to happen.  I think I always knew that - The instant this trip was proposed, I knew I was going, even if I had to sell everything and take out a loan.  I'm hoping I don't have to go quite that far, at least not for this trip (thanks to you people!!!!).  My passport, however, is causing me great stress.  I did the research on the State Department website, filled out what I thought were the right forms, wrote a check, got my pictures, and sent everything in.  About two weeks later, my dad called, saying he'd received my denied passport application in the mail (Eek!)  Needless to say, I freaked out.  After much searching on the internet, and two phone calls to the passport people at the State Department, I finally figured out why, got the RIGHT forms filled out, and sent in, but it normally takes about 6 weeks to process, and I leave in 6 and half....  So please pray!  Pray that everything would go smoothly with this passport application, and that the department can get me my passport in time to go.  I know God is faithful, and I know that he has called me to be on this trip - I trust He will provide exactly what I need.  But please pray with me that everything would go smoothly! 

I have one more payment of $300 to make (Yes, I do know how to add, I received another $100 in donations since I made the initial payment...), and I pray that God will be faithful in providing the resources I need to go.  Thank you all for your support so far.  We have our first team training on April 17th, so please be praying that would go smoothly.  Right now, we have 12 people signed up to go.  Please pray that the spirit would be moving in everyone's heart, preparing them for the trip ahead, and that everyone can find the resources to take time away from work and family to go.  I will continue to update through letters and blogging.  As the trip gets closer, I'm sure there will be more updates filled with anxiety and eager anticipation! 

Thank you all so very much for your support, I cannot describe how blessed I am by each and every one of you. 

Short Films and Slam Poetry

One of the best short films I've ever seen.  I might be a little bit in love with TJ Thyne now... 

Seriously.  Watch.  Smile.  Be Inspired.  :) 

Slam Poetry from an Awesome Christian guy about Toms and Life.... 

On Defining Myself

It is so strange the way my heartstings waltz with one another... I can be exhausted, hungry, lonely, (which I not really ever, but whatever...) PMS-ing, not feeling well, hurt, frustrated, angry, even grieving and my emotions are fairly constant. While I might be a bit moody, less touchy, needing time to myself for no apparent reason, or less motivated (even sometimes more self-centered), I'm good at being stable, containing whatever feeling it is to whatever in my life they are due and not allowing them to carry over. Even on 2 hours of sleep, should someone greet me with a friendly, "hey KP how are ya?" I'd in all likelihood reply with a "pretty good. tired, but good." And while I'd spend the day trying desperately to keep my eyes open, my attention focused, and slightly less willing to stand up for things that I know are going to require energy in large quantities, I'm still, overall, good.

But when I get restless (ok, I'm always restless), I can't control it. The mood swings are violent and unpredictable. One day can be good for no apparent reason and the next day miserable even though I was treated with all the due courtesies (plus some) that are "due". I'm well slept and well fed and not stressed, but even hour to hour, I can find myself feeling relatively good, and then like I want to crawl in a hole and die. I don't understand how that one emotion can tinker with every other one of my emotions, how that singular discontent in my life can lead to so much stress and anxiety and hunger and powerful, powerful things. Pulling that one heartstring makes all my other heartstings dance and leap like puppets in an uncoordinated, slightly violent and choppy rendition of an urban interpretive dance of a breaking heart. Like new, jagged earthen peaks rising from the ground to the heavens in a majestic salute to the raw, unabashed glory of these imperfect molten creations.

It is interesting that in nature such sights are full of awe and splendor and inspiration and overwhelming power and beauty. Yet in our own lives, in our own hearts and souls, we cannot accept these grand and imperfect mountain scenes, but rather we prefer the worn, loping hills of rolling grasses and grazing flocks. But how is it that those hills were formed? How can there be peaceful rolling hills if the weren't first giant, gaping, violent mountains. Do we get to pick which we want? Or must we begin with the land, the life we've been given, and should we choose to, wear down these restless mountains into rolling plains?

Much as i hate this feeling, these crazy mood swings and the violent peaks of my heart, I don't know that I want anything different. Which puts me in quite the conundrum - there's this blessing that feels like a curse, that creates discomfort and pain and hardship and man other things. It's difficult to reconcile the suffering it causes for me and more importantly for those around me with the joy and relief it can bring. It is Love that both drives me and hinders me, that causes as much pain as happiness and yet I cannot stop myself from loving - from loving EVERYONE. I try not to, i try to tell myself that sometimes it's not worth it, that I can't possibly meet and know and love all 7 billion people on this planet, so I may as well not try, but why not? Why should I put forth such effort to become someone other than the someone I was created to be? So what if I fall in Love too easily? So what if my heart yearns for things it may never have, if my hearts breaks more often than it becomes whole? What if I feel whole by being broken? What if my place in this world is to always be searching for my place? What do i do then? What do other people do with me? How do I wrestle with restlessness when the restlessness forces me into these patterns which I yearn for?

There are many things that I am, but few that truly define me - restlessness is, for me, at the core of why I am. Perhaps it yanks on my heartstings the way it does not because it is a string that is attached to the others, but because it IS my heart. It is the driving force that keeps me alive, that courses blood through my veins and resurrects my soul from the depths of apathy. And although very seriously doubt I will be able to come anywhere near meeting, knowing, and loving everyone, I do not think, even through all the discouragement that this will stop me from knowing and loving every person I meet. I do not know that I could ever stop without dying because this part of me simply IS. And when something simply is, there's no fighting it.

Perfect Imperfections

Before I was born, God scattered all the pieces of my heart to the wind, to the four corners of the earth. I was born already broken...

I must travel because that's where my heart is - out there, in the world with the people, floating with the wind across mountains and plains and deserts... a part of me is missing when I am here. And so, if I am to serve, if I am to give fully of myself, then I must travel. For it is only when I have found and gathered all the pieces to my heart that I can truly be whole, and that I can truly give of myself.

*** Somewhere, someday, I shall find my soul. And when I do, all the world shall be at peace.***