An Open Letter to my Brothers in Christ

Brother,

Thank you.  There have been some videos, some movements, some poems, websites and other media that have sprung up recently from Christian men seeking to encourage us as women - to remain pure, to not settle, to set high standards, to allow ourselves to be served.  Others have asked forgiveness for sins of lust, of abuse, of impurity, of disrespect, of anger, of selfishness, of arrogance, of inflicted pain - intentional or otherwise.

For this I want to thank you.  It is a joy and an honor to call you a brother.  It is good for us to see that there are men out there, pursuing God, loving friends and family well, seeking after the Gospel, waiting for their wife.  It truly is an encouragement to know that not all men are after me for my body.  That not all men are cowards, or are arrogant.  That there are men of Christ, and that someday, Lord willing, I will be able to say that I have a husband who genuinely loves Jesus more than me - because men like that DO exist. It is nice to know that I am not crazy, that I am not waiting on a fairy tale, and that men are seeking healing for the abuses and the pain they have historically or personally caused. 

But I think it is time a woman stepped up, to encourage you.

Many of you seek to serve us so well - as friends, as sisters, as wives.  You do so without recognition, without prompting, and with much joy.  Thank you for that.

You have taught me much in the last two years about what I ought to value in men, and how I ought to carry myself.  You have restored much faith, and you have led by example.  As friends, you have taught me about service, and what that looks like, and how I can serve you well.  You have taught me about being served.  You have taught me about brotherly love.

Many of you are already married. We single women (and men, probably) are watching closer than you think, and you have wonderfully led by example. You have taught and shown me much about life, about men, and about marriage.  I have seen what functional, healthy, Christ-centered marriages look like, and where I have much room to grow before I am ready to be yoked together with a man.  I have seen how you fight for your marriages when they are hard, and I have seen how you lead steadfastly when a storm blows in.  I have seen your honesty, and your attempts to destroy the lies the world builds up about marriage - in order that we single women (and men) can avoid some hardships and mistakes you have already walked through.  I see you discipling younger men and I can only hope and pray that my husband would have had this in his life too.  I see you advancing God's kingdom one life at a time, and this is a joy.  I see you honoring and loving your wives well - in a way that reminds me that my standards are not too high, and that I really am waiting for someone like you. 

Many of you are single.  Women watch you, too.  We see how you look at us, how you talk to us, and how you serve us as sisters - with grace, with dignity, with the utmost respect, and with love.  How you do not objectify us, but you value our whole being.  We see that some of you are dating other girls, and that you take the utmost care to protect your purity.   We see that you do not have to be our boyfriends for you to help us move, for you to just hang out with us because you enjoy our company, or for you to do spontaneously kind things for us.  You are willing to love us and serve us as we are, we do not have to earn your favor.  We see you seeking the Lord more than you are seeking a girlfriend, more than you are seeking a job, more than you are seeking influence and power.  We see that you, too, are advancing the Kingdom.  You are devoting time to your relationships, to go deep and to serve your brothers well. We see all of this. I know it is probably harder than you would like.  I know you do not do this perfectly all the time.  I know there are men who are on you to be better men.  Keep pursuing Biblical manhood, but remember that you are already doing a lot of things well. 

I have spent much of the last 6 years hating men - even men like you.  Railing against them.  Fighting for my own independence, despite all indications that I am entirely unable.  Propping up images and illusions of my own glory, my own sufficiency, and my own perfection, while lamenting, coddling, and nursing the wounds that had been deeply cut.  I have spent years convinced that all men are cowards, afraid of any sort of relationship because of the damage that might be done.  Afraid of touching scars that might cause me pain, and instead choosing to shut you out, to secretly be disgusted with you, to find flaws where they needn't be found.  Arming myself against "the patriarchy", which included all men and all forms of chivalry, meanwhile complaining that there were no "good men".  Resigning myself to the fact that I would be miserably alone forever, because "nobody was good enough for me", when really I was too afraid of you to give you a chance.  

I have simultaneously spent that time longing for someone to hold me, to validate my insecure conceptions of beauty, to affirm me in my comfortable state.  What I have really been looking for is the companionship one might typically find in a dog, I was just looking for it in a man that I could call "boyfriend" - one who would not challenge, who would not push back, who would only serve me, but not need to be served.  Who would require no labor and love beyond that of a cuddle-buddy.  I have been degrading your companionship, your friendship, and your very person to something that made me comfortable, instead of conforming myself to the designs of God, and admiring you for the way God has made you - and the way He intended for us to interact. 


For all of the hateful things I have said, for all of the hurtful things I have thought, and for all of the disgustingly un-Christlike things I have done (and they are plenty), brother I am sorry.  I truly am.  I cannot and will not continue to treat men this way - you are my brother!  Please forgive me, friend. 

Friend.  I am so honored to call you that.  Friend.  Please, please keep doing what you are doing.  Keep seeking the Lord.  Keep serving your brothers and sisters in Christ with humility, and with love.  Keep advancing the Kingdom, keep seeking purity, keep fighting for the good name of Christian men.  We know you are out there (even if we do not believe it or act like it all the time).  You have, in the last two years, taken my broken, terrified, and angry heart and turned it into one that is in the process of being restored.  Without knowing my story, without knowing my anger, my frustration, or my scars, you have simply lived out Christ-like servanthood and attitudes to me, and it has changed me profoundly.  Thank you.  Please, brother, in all humility, continue to walk with me as my heart is conformed to God's.  I am sure I will stumble.  Please call me out, but recognize that I am still recovering from the lies of the world and my own fickle heart. 

Thank you, brother, for doing what you are already doing.  Continue to do it.  We women are watching, and we are learning.  I am more thankful for the men in my life now than I ever have been before.

Affectionately in Christ,
K

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part IV: Men and Feminism

This was not a post I intended to write.  This "Biblical Womanhood" thing was supposed to be a trilogy (because all good things come in 3's, right?).  But there's more.

(As a refresher, you can read Parts 1, 2, and 3, here, here, and here respectively)

I've always considered myself a feminist.  I'm strong, and fiercely independent.  I'm athletic, I can play sports and keep up with the boys.  I can do things on my own, I don't need any man to carry my luggage for me, or to help me change a flat, or to validate me.  I am my own woman.  


Furthermore, all women need to have this realization - All women need to understand that they can empower themselves by taking action, standing up to men, that they themselves are capable (perhaps with a little outside assistance) of freeing themselves from this perpetual suppression by men.  One of the best ways to achieve development and freedom is to empower women, and to make them equal with men.  Right?

But the thing is, I'm not independent at all (much as I fancy myself as such)!  I'm entirely dependent.  I'm not my own at all - I belong entirely to God (you do too, whether you realize it or not)!  All those things above - all those things are lies.  Lies of the enemy and of the world.  I can't keep up with boys (at least not all of them), I can't do things on my own, I do need help.  This whole "independent" thing I've been striving for and basing my entire life on, it's actually really bad.  Because everything I have has been given by the Gracious God, and everything I can do is only through the Lord Almighty.

While empowering women is great, the flip side of that issue is how we portray men.  By portraying men as perpetually hedonistic animals who will always suppress women without the checks of government, or moral/ethical codes strictly imposed, and women as strong, enabled, people who must overthrow this culture of oppresion, we are hurting both men AND women.

And I'm totally guilty of this.  I do it often.  I play the victim who has overcome because that's what culture tells me I need to do, and I see men in my head as horrible human beings (save the few decent ones I'm friends with).

What if we used the Gospel to empower women AND men? What if we allowed the Gospel to be used as a way to empower men to stand up against cultural norms that measure masculinity by how many STI's you have?  Or by how well your wife submits to you, or by how many fights you can tough out, or how big your muscles are?  What if we could empower men to stand up and say enough, to treat their fellow humans well (both men and women)?

And what if we could empower women to accept help sometimes?  What if we could redefine feminism not by how militant you are against men, or how well you support yourself, or how "confidently" you dress, or how many men you can beat out for that promotion?  The living in the extreme of women who believe that equality means "exact same in every way" narrowly defines what good means - and it still defines it on male terms.  It's slavery disguised as empowerment. It's the empowerment of Satan to continue to enslave ourselves to the lies of the world - twisted truth.  What if we could find some way to empower women to be who they were designed and created to be, without dependence on masculinity OR submission - what if we could find a way to empower women in the image of their Creator?

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to re-evaluate not only how I see myself, but how I view gender-relations issues across the world.  I don't totally know what that means or looks like, but change should probably accompany this thought process.

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part III: Men

This is part 3 of a series.  You can also read Part 1 here, and read part 2 here.

I had a friend (a male) open a car door for me the other day.  It wasn't just a passing thing - he insisted. But the thing is, he wasn't hitting on me.  He wasn't demeaning me, but he wasn't hitting on me either.  He was simply treating me with the utmost respect in the manner he though appropriate.  I was beside myself.  I didn't know how to react.  I'm so used to fending for myself, and to holding up the walls around my vulnerability and my independence, that I didn't know what to do.  I've never, ever in my life had a man intentionally seek to open a door for me.  It's started to make me rethink how I treat men....

Am I treating men with respect when I demand that I do everything myself?  I certainly don't mind being needed; I'm often (though, in my sinful flesh, not always) happy to help people.  It makes me feel valuable and wanted.  I think men are even more programmed to think and behave that way.  When I demand that I do things under my own power, I am not only depriving men of the opportunity to serve me, but I am essentially telling them that their help is not good enough.  I would hate that, if someone did that to me....

What else do I do that does not respect men?  Where else do I think I am enabling myself, when really, I am only hurting myself and others around me?

This is where the issue of understanding my womanhood as a single woman comes into play.  I ought to be seeking to be a godly woman right now.  That is not something which waits to be cultivated until marriage.  Just as we don't wait to cultivate a good football team with solid plays and good communication until game day (unless, apparently, you're the Broncos...), I ought not be waiting to cultivate my godly womanhood until marriage. 

I say I am looking for a man to do ministry with - that in seeking a husband, my primary goal is to do ministry in a way that I would not be able to do otherwise.  And I say that, but do I always mean it?  In my head I mean it - I think, gosh, if I find a man who I love and am attracted to and can do ministry with me, I'll marry him.  But if he doesn't met all of those criteria, then I won't marry and I'll just do ministry alone.  But is that really what I'm seeking?  Or am I just too afraid to try a messy relationship with another sinner?  What would this relationship even look like?

And the thing is, I just don't know.  Am I one of those women who is called to singleness for the rest of my life?  I don't know.  I heard a sermon once about relationships, and the pastor said that if we were one of those people called to a life of singleness, we'd know.  Otherwise, our goal should be to pursue godly dating and a godly view of sex and relationships until we are married.  But the thing is, I'm not sure if I'm one of those "single" people or not... I have yet to feel that I "need" a man.  I'm quite content to do life in a single fashion - now.  So does that make me someone who is called to singleness?  But I don't know if I'll always feel that way.  I do desire to get married - someday (I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't).  But I don't know what being in a relationship in which both people are pursing God more than they are pursuing one another even looks like or acts like or feels like.  And I want someone to show me, so that I can know for sure.  So that I can try it and say - yes, this is something I think I am supposed to have in my life, this is something that I think God has called me to, or so I can say - no, this is not what God has called me to.  God has called me to a life of singleness and contentment in him alone.  And then I can stop wondering and move on.

Part of me wonders if I'm too weak to handle a relationship.  That I would be the worst Christian wife ever, because I wrestle with defining what my role is, and acting on it.  What if I'm too much of a sinner to be able to balance a relationship with a man and a relationship with God and His local church and work and whatever else I'm up to?  Part of me thinks that I would begin to idolize that man, that I would be simultaneously too afraid to let myself go and too involved to get out. 

But then part of me thinks that I'm too weak to handle life alone.  That without someone to come home to at the end of the day, without someone to point me and guide me, without that solidarity and consistency, especially with what God has called me to do, that I would simply fall apart and be of no use to anyone. 

The thought of being married scares me a little.  But so does the thought of never getting married.  The thought of going to a third world country like the DRC or rural Pakistan completely alone, without a husband, without a brother in Christ to support me and love me and walk with me through that experience, to hold me accountable, to encourage me and to talk with me, to balance me out... that terrifies me.  And so I feel stuck... 

I want to be running after Christ with such fierce tenacity that my husband has to run with me to not loose me to God.  I want him to be in front of me so that I can draft off him when I am tired, so that he can show me the way when I am lost, and I want to be strong enough to pick him up when he falls.  I want to be so wrapped up in Christ that we cannot help but be wrapped up together.  I want to have the singular sense of companionship in Christ with one another that I see in some of the marriages at church.

But I'm beginning to think that I'm too afraid of being let down that I won't open myself to the fact that God may in fact have a husband in my future.  I may even already know him.  Why should I doubt that?  What reason, what possible cause could I have for not trusting in the Lord, the creator of the universe, who has my life in His hands?  I'd rather have God in control of my life than myself - I'm going to screw it up.  But God?  God will not screw up.  He does not make mistakes.  He has not let me down to this point, and He will not let me down in the future.  If God promises me a husband, He will give one to me.  It may not be in my timing.  It may not be who I think or when I think or how I think, but He will deliver on his promises.  He always does.  Why am I so afraid of letting God make that promise to me?  Am I afraid that I will not hear that promise?  Or am I afraid that I will hear that promise?

I honestly don't know.

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part II: Marriage

Biblical womanhood is something I have been wrestling with for the last year - sometimes rather reluctantly.  What does it look like?  Especially for me - how does it affect me personally - a woman who isn't sure she's ever going to get married?  What does it mean for the woman who used to be a staunch feminist and is now pretty sure that most "real" feminists would be ashamed of her, but is also reluctant to let go of that title (fear of man, anyone)?  In a world that simultaneously tells me that women are distinctly less than men, and that women are exactly equal to men in every way, where does the Biblical truth lie? And how do I go from the former extremes to the truth?

This is (for some of you) going to be a scary thing to hear from me, but I'm slowly changing my mind about what biblical womanhood ought to look like.  I believe the Bible - the word of the holy and living God - says that wives ought to submit to their husbands.  Yes, it's true - I said it.  It's in the Bible pretty clearly.  Over and over.  I'm not entirely sure it's something that I like...  and it's definitely not something I understand.  I've never been in a (romantic) relationship that is built on God instead of self (I'm only now learning how to have a friendship built on this premise).  The word "submission" still makes me twitch and cringe and wiggle around with great discomfort, and occasionally anger and resentment.

But my pastors have challenged me to examine whether I am projecting my own desires and views onto the Bible, or if I am truly allowing the Bible to shape and change the way I interact with the world.  And so I have begun examining.  And one thing that has come to light is that the Bible is clear - wives ought to submit to their husbands.  The flip side of that coin, of course, is that husbands ought to love their wives the way Christ loved the church.  If that were happening, then submission wouldn't be such an issue.  (But, as sinners, no matter how hard we might try, none of us are the husbands or wives we ought to be. Therein lies the root of the extreme worldviews mentioned above.)

This whole concept makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  I don't like the idea of submitting to anyone.  I don't even always like submitting to God - sometimes that involves doing or saying things that make me (and others around me) very uncomfortable.  But to submit myself to a human man?!  That seems like too much to ask on some days.

And then I look around.  I look around my church and I see marriages that work.  Marriages based on this principle of reciprocal submission and love.  Not just my pastors' marriage, but just regular couples in the church.  It really truly works.  I don't get it.  It really freaks me out some days.  But I can see that the marriages of the church are truly more robust, healthier, and more fulfilling than any other marriage I've ever seen.
 
It still makes me nervous.  I'm still resistant, and hesitant. 

But when it comes down to it, understanding what a Biblical marriage ought to look like is rooted in my understanding of my identity as a woman of Christ.  Throughout the Bible, God uses the metaphor of a prostitute, of an unworthy bride to symbolize the church, with Him as the bridegroom.

I am that prostitute.  I am the one who returns to my evil ways, despite the love of the Lord.  I follow my own plans, rather than His.  I whore myself out to the world, to the traps of pursuit of glory, money, power, fame, success, living the American dream, and many other things which, in the end enslave me.  But I don't see that.  I am the one who all too happily and freely gives out her identity and security to the nearest and easiest promise, which is almost always one of the world and not of God.

And God still pursued (and continues to pursue) me.  My sinful and wretched heart.  To the point of Marriage.  Forever and ever.  With me.  A filthy whore. All I have to do is not run away. 

Why then, should I wait to understand what Biblical marriage looks like?  If marriage between a man and a woman is to be a reflection of the marriage covenant between Christ and his church, shouldn't I seek to understand that as fully and deeply as I can, now?  Shouldn't I, as a single Christian woman who has time and intelligence and reason and community, understand the Biblical marriage covenant better than anyone?

Regarding Biblical Womanhood, Part I: Sex

So there was a sermon a couple weeks ago about sex.  Yes, you read that correctly - it's not a type-o.  Sex.  We talked about it.  In church.  With my pastor...  Awkward? There were definitely moments.  Important and enlightening? Absolutely.    (It was actually very, very good.  You can listen to it at http://www.restorationchurchdc.com/2011/09/a-biblical-view-of-sex/ It was extremely edifying and well-handled.)

We talked about why it's important to talk about sex.  Especially in church.  We talked about what sex should be and what sex shouldn't be. Because let's face it - sex is something that gets talked about outside the church.  A lot.  We're bombarded with it.  So maybe it's something we should talk about in church too. 

It's something I've heard over and over - you don't have sex 'til your married, otherwise you're a dirty filthy whore.  You don't talk about masturbation, or about desires, or about struggling with singleness.  Porn is a no-no, and if you're stuck in a porn addiction, you ought to be ashamed of yourself and just buck up and pull yourself out by your bootstraps, because real godly men don't ever struggle with that issue.  And women don't struggle with any of this.  Sex is for marriage, so just hold on until you get there, but even then, don't talk about it!  It's still kinda dirty and we don't really want to think that we enjoy something like that, because we were told it was bad for all our lives!

The reality is that men and women alike, Christian or not, struggle with things like porn, masturbation, having sex outside of marriage, lustful thoughts, homosexual behaviour, dressing inappropriately, not guarding their hearts, and otherwise engaging in inappropriate behavior.  Statistics say it's rampant, friends experiences say its rampant - even my experience tells me it's rampant.  So yea, I'd say it's a pretty important thing to talk about.  No matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

I have very people very near and dear to my heart who have had sex outside of marriage.  Who have objectified members of the opposite sex.  Who have lusted after a relationship (sometimes even a relationship for the sake of itself) for the physical element.  Who have dressed inappropriately to get attention.  Who have been involved in porn and masturbation.  I myself have struggled with nearly every one of these things at some point in my life.  And they are issues that need to be addressed in a healthy, biblical manner - which means we have to talk about them.

This sermon raised some interesting issues.  How should we talk about sex?  How should we talk about marriage, for that matter?  What about gender roles?  What about defining biblical manhood and womanhood, singleness, and relationships?  Why are they important to talk about?  

Sex ought to be a good thing.  It's healthy, it's joyful - it's something God created! When Adam and Eve started having sex in the garden, it wasn't a surprise to God.  Sex is good.  But only in the context in which God ordained.  But that's not the answer the world likes.  The world would have you believe that sex with anyone, anywhere, anytime = freedom and happiness.  But my pastor gave an analogy, and its one that merits repeating.  Imagine there's a train.  On the tracks, it's free to go wherever it wants, as efficiently as it pleases, arriving on time and safely.  The train is doing exactly what it is designed to do, and is doing it well, so we say it is good.  If you put that very same train in the very same spot, but without the tracks, it will not go anywhere.  Before, it was "confined" by the tracks.  Now, you say, you have set the train free!  But where will the train go?  What will it do?  Will it do it well?  No.  Such are God's mandates for our lives.  The rules exist in order to give us freedom, not to take it away from us.  The question then becomes - do I love God's authority more than I love my own authority?  Am I willing to submit myself to the Lord's will for my life - including in this area?

What does a biblical view of sex mean for me?  I'll be blatantly honest for a moment: the desire is there.  I desire to have sex.  God gave me that desire, so that's ok.  But I'm not married.  I'm not even in a romantic relationship of any sort.  So how do I balance those two things?

Primarily, I think I (we) need to understand that sex is not the end-all-be-all of relationships, of my experience here on earth, or of enjoying someone else's company, be it in a Biblical marriage or not.   Culture certainly tells me that it is.  Even the church sometimes tells me that it is.  The "just hold on until you get there" line - what about the people who never get married?  The church sometimes treats sex in the same manner that culture treats it - it's just the flip side of the same coin.  It's hyped up into something more than what it is - something it shouldn't be. 

If I may, I'll have another honest moment:  There is a chance I will die a virgin.  And that just has to be ok.  Because to say that it is not would be to up-end the order which God created, and to fancy myself having a better comprehension of good than God - which is absurd.  His glory is ultimate.  Everything else is not.  Will there be sex in heaven?  I don't know.  Maybe, maybe not (that's a debate for another time). But the bottom line is, sex is not the only way to glorify God.  It is not even the best way (perhaps you disagree?  Let's talk.  I'd be interested to hear what you have to say - but that is not a conversation for this particular blog post).  Glorifying God is my ultimate mission - not pursuing my own pleasures.  I don't exactly know what that means for me yet, but I know that God is in control.  And I am not. And I will (humbly attempt, and often fail to) submit myself to his Holy and almighty authority.

Oh, How The Joy Overfloweth!

I have a lot to blog about.  From the summer, from DC, about my new tattoo (yes, tattoo...), school, and many other things.  But one thing comes to the forefront at this particular moment:

I am so, so blessed!  Beyond my comprehension.  Not just in my ability to go to school (though that is a HUGE blessing in so many ways), the fact that I won the genetic and geographic "lottery" (although I don't believe it was random in any manner), have access to basic amenities and have avoided much (though not all) discrimination in life, or in the fact that I have the most wonderful family anyone could ask for, but in another way that is particularly unexpected....(though let me be clear - all these are things that are very very true, and very very apparent to me as enormous provisions from the hand of the Almighty).

No, I am blessed tonight because of one thing - Restoration Church (specifically, the women there).  I never, ever thought I would count a group of women sitting around a table making cards (yes, you read that correctly - making cards) as one of the biggest blessings in my life, but oh, how it is such a blessing!  I cannot tell you what a joy and an honor it is to be counted among these women as a friend and sister in Christ!  I have never, ever felt so beloved by a community in my life [not counting, of course, my family - by a chosen community, I suppose...].  Least of all did I expect it to be a group of Southern, Church-going (Baptist, for that matter!) women who sit around and make their own cards who would fill the shoes of the community I did not know I needed, and thought I did not want.  But they have filled it, and the cup overfloweth (oh, how it overflows!!!!)....

The Lord, in his Almighty and perfect providence, provided to me something I did not know I wanted, or needed.  But good gracious!  These women, despite knowing the dirty, dark, and un-sanctified places of my heart, still love me in a way I thought only existed in fairy tales.  I did not grow up with a close group of women who loved me whole-heartedly and joyfully.  I distrusted women, especially adult women, and did not seek their company.  I did not want anything to do with these women when I first walked through the doors of RC.  But they pulled me in anyways (and what fun it has been!)....

So now I spend my Friday evenings making delightful and gorgeous cards, and laughing so hard I think I'm going to pee my pants.  And feeling more loved than I have ever, ever felt before. 

Despite the mess that I am, I have not been this joyful in a long, long time.  

Exhaustion and Bubbles

There has been much weighing on my mind recently.  Not the least of which is how over-worked and under-rested I am at this particular moment. I am regretting my decision to work 60+ hours/week this summer. 

I love my coaching job with (almost) all of my being.  I love the kids, and my fellow coaches.  It has been a joy and an honor to work with such a great staff and (for the most part) great team this summer, and to get to do something I love (and get paid for it!).  My office job, on the other hand, has progressively become more and more challenging.  I am discovering very quickly that God's provision is not always what my provision would have been.  It has certainly been a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow, but a challenging, difficult, and rarely enjoyable one.  The frustration from one job, the time consumption of another, the excessive hours and little sleep finally caught up to me last week.  I couldn't move.  I didn't want to move.  I haven't been that tired since high school (which, for those of you who know me, is quite a significant statement).   To put it in perspective, I called in to work on Wednesday morning, which put me at 9 hours of sleep, Thursday through Saturday nights I averaged about 7 hours of sleep per night.  I then slept for 17 (yes, you read that right.... 17) hours yesterday, and am just now beginning to feel like a functional human being again. 

In all of this exhaustion and frustration, I have found some undesirable and unpleasant emotions bubbling up and rising to the surface.  My irritability, for one.  Anger, for another.  More anger than I'd like to admit.  While there are many, many issues which were thought-resolved-but-aren't I have discovered in the past few weeks, there is one in particular that irks me more than the rest.  That is the issue of men. 

I have never felt the need to date simply for the sake of dating.  I'm quite comfortable being single (actually, significant and complete commitment to one man still freaks me out a little bit...), and I rather enjoy the freedom it allows me.  But I am human, and there are moments when I panic, think I'm going to die alone and single, having never had a significant relationship in my life.  I went on a few dates in High School (very few... and rarely was there more than 2 with the same guy), but never really clicked with anyone.  It wasn't until my senior year that I had any real relationship of any sort. 

I'm not entirely sure how to approach this topic gracefully or tactfully.  In fact, I'm not sure there is a way... I don't like bad-mouthing people, and I try very hard to avoid anything of the sort.  But I think this is one of the ways in which well-meaning women (and, although less often, men) can be used as a doormat; when women (or men) are afraid to stand up and say to the world that someone has hurt them in a significant way, simply because they don't want to hurt anyone, they damage themselves and let others get away with it.  So I suppose it's time I came out and admitted that the last guy I dated really, really messed with me.  So much so that I haven't been on a single date since him, not out of disinterest but, in part, out of genuine fear and incredible hurt. 

The sad thing is not that our relationship was the problem (although it was problematic...), but it was our post-dating relationship which really did the damage.  It does not matter how - that is a private matter - but the problem is that because I fancy myself a kind, drama-free, honest person, I allowed myself to be manipulated and used in ways I didn't know was possible.  And the end result cost me not just his friendship, but every single one of our mutual friends as well.  At a time when my life was falling apart right in front of me, he nearly single-handedly destroyed all precious people and relationships in my life, and left me with only ashes of what I used to know. 

And wouldn't it be poetic and wonderful and inspiring if I could conclude now with imagery of a phoenix rising from the ashes, of a person remade and all the more beautiful and empowered because of it?  But that's not how this ends.  I'm still in the ashes stage (yes, even now, 2 1/2 years later...).  I'm trying to get over the anger (and how deep it runs), to forgive, but it's not as easy as it sounds (even as petty as this fight was).  I'm still working to let go, to learn to trust men again, and to try to figure all this out.  I'm trying to figure out my identity as a woman, how empowerment and feminism plays into my role (if at all) as a woman of Christ, how my standards for men in general (and, hopefully, my future husband) need to change, and how I need to change if I am to become the person God has called me to be.  I'm learning a lot, about myself and about others.  But it really just sucks some days.

Boys and Girls

So, there's this new campaign called "Fat Talk Free Week".   I think their facebook page explains pretty well what they mean:

Fat Talk describes all of the statements made in everyday conversation that reinforce the thin ideal and contribute to women’s dissatisfaction with their bodies.

Examples of fat talk include: “I’m so fat,” “Do I look fat in this?” “I need to lose 10 pounds” and “She’s too fat to be wearing that swimsuit.”

Statements that are considered fat talk don’t necessarily have to be negative; they can seem positive yet reinforce the need to be thin. E.g., “You look great! Have you lost weight?” 

It was started by a Tri Delta sorority, and is now a national campaign to spend a week without "talking fat".  I think it's a great idea! But there are people out there who don't.  They say that this promotes an unhealthy lifestyle by telling people they don't need to work out or worry about what they look like.  Firstly, I'd just like to point out that almost all the blogs, reports, and articles I've read against this type of movement are from guys:  Boys, if you don't support this, shut your damn mouth!  Either back girls behind this or get out!  I'm not saying boys don't deal with their own self esteem issues, but I'm sorry, boys, you have NO IDEA what it feels like to be a girl.  None.  At all.  So shut up.  I'm so sick of hearing about this. 

I'm learning how to work out because I love my body, not because I hate it.  I'm learning how to eat right because I love me.  I'm learning how do everything I do out of self-love rather than self-hate.  If people can learn to love their bodies, everything else will fall into place.  It's when we start hating our bodies that problems (like eating disorders - including binge eating) occur.  See, when I love my body I can say, gosh I should work out regularly.  But when I miss a day because I'm busy or sick, I can also accept that that's ok, that maybe my body needs sleep and rest right now more than it needs to burn 400 calories an hour doing an intense workout.  And I'm still leading a healthy life. 

So PUT A SOCK IN IT guys.

Here's a letter I found a while ago on the TWLOHA page, and I think it's a letter every woman should read, and then write one herself. 

Dear Body,

I’ve always let some imperfection or another stand in the way of me seeing what you truly are, that you are beautiful. You are a divine creation housing the most valuable thing known to the universe, my soul. I’m beginning to realize that a person’s soul has the capacity to radiate light that transcends all the characteristics that I have been conditioned to believe are flaws.

You naturally tell a story. Your blue-green veins are like a map to where your heart has been and where it is going. The curve of your waist and the shape of your cheekbones tell a tale of heritage and ethnicity. There are crayon markings on the wall somewhere that has measured your height throughout the years. Always returning to the same spot to see how you’ve changed.

Your eyes bare resemblance to nature. They are a deep forest green with golden yellow sunflower flecks. Your faded birthmark, once beet red, brought me shame because all I wanted was to conform. It now reminds me of how unique you are and all I want is to be different.

Your body begins as a story but continues with new chapters throughout your life. Some are chapters of sadness and pain, others of joy, and all of growth. Each chapter a blank canvas meant to be painted by our experiences. Photos are memories but so are our bodies in a way that’s more real, no posing and no fakeness.

I’m realizing these things now, but I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize them before. I’ve done everything I could to destroy the canvas and deface and burn the pages of different chapters.

I’ve waged war on you before; used razor blades to feel and drugs to numb. I’ve used caffeine to stay awake and alcohol to sleep. Abusing the side effects of my prescription drugs like loss of appetite, to deliberately starve myself into making you skinnier. I’ve spent far too much time on a scale that merely weighs your effect on gravity, not the depth of your beauty. I wanted you to look like one of those girls in the magazines.

But in the ruins there is still a canvas. There is still beauty in your brokenness. The faded scars show healing reminding me that even though I’ve been in dark places, I’ve survived and learned and become stronger.

Although the war is over, the world still takes its toll. You have calluses on your hands from me writing too much and concentrating too hard. Yet the words are beautiful and the studying is worth it. You have the ache when it rains from broken bones, and stretch marks from growing too fast. You have burns from jobs and scars from falls. But those experiences were worth it.

Dear body, as I grow older I worry about how you will age. Together we gain wisdom and wrinkles, after being young and beautiful and naïve. The wisdom tells us that the beauty doesn’t subside, it only changes, and more of it comes from within. So I won’t worry when my hair doesn’t look just right, or when I do something stupidly funny and emerge with another scar because you are telling a story. And what would I be without my story and my past?

Women and Glee

Alright, I'll admit it, I'm a Gleek. (If you are too, or think you might be someday, and haven't seen the last 2 weeks' episodes, you should not read any further - there are some spoilers!!)  I wholeheartedly follow the show.  I think it's witty, biting, hilarious, and relatable.  I think it deals with important issues, but somehow I walk away from the show feeling uplifted every week.   I refuse to make plans on Tuesday nights, so that I can watch the show.  I have to remind myself regularly that I really don't need to buy the music the night it comes out, that I really should wait until the end of the first season when they'll come out with a whole album of the music, which will be cheaper (somehow that appeal to logos doesn't overpower my love of good music, and I sometimes give in and buy songs anyways).  I think the vocals are fantastic, and the script is original and has started to "push the envelope" with issues.  It's a show that I can watch and say, 'hey, that was me in high school! I've felt like that, I've done that, or I've seen that.'

Over the last few weeks, a recurring theme in the show has focused partly on objectifying women, body image, and self confidence.  Its an issue that's very near to my heart, as I have struggled with it my entire life, I've watched friends struggle with it, and I've seen what it can do.  I fell in love with the boys' new rendition of "What it feels like", with Mercedes' "Beautiful", and with April Rhodes' journey.  My heart breaks for them, and soars with them, and I find myself traveling this same journey with them, an invisible bystander who watches with pangs of guilt, remorse, anxiety, compassion, empathy, anger, and almost every other emotion possible.  There are many issues that I feel passionately about, but this is one that stands out.

And it was an issue that I thought was progressing well, on a worldy scale, until recently.  I thought that, despite the incessant and sometimes unrelenting teasing and attacks on my strongly feminist stance, that people were making progress, that people were aware of the issue, and that many people, both men and women, were working to equalize an unbalanced count of centuries of oppression.  Then I met C.  He happens to be a guy that  I work with (i'm using an initial to protect him, even though I don't really think he deserves protecting…), and he and I disagree on almost every topic you can think of.  He regularly attacks me for my religious beliefs, my moral stances on issues, my political views, the fact that I enjoy reading, and the way I think.  He takes great pleasure in pointing out holes in my logic, in giving me impossible scenarios, in cornering me, and proving his own intelligence and the black-and-white validity of his own views over others'.  He's very good at what he does, and frankly, he sometimes is right.  More often than not though, he twists what I say into what he wants to hear, and rarely gives others a chance to fully explain their views.  He thinks he knows what he's going to hear before he even asks.  Normally, I don't mind.  I can stand up for myself, I can handle teasing, attacks, and the endless looks of pity and stupidity from him.   I had my walls up, he doesn't know nearly as much as he thinks he does, about me or the world.  And nothing he's said has convinced me that he truly is correct, and that I need to repent from my ignorant ways and turn to his cold,  harsh, atheistic view of the world.  So I let him attack and he takes full advantage.   And I don't really mind.

Until this week.  This week everything changed.  Somehow we got around to talking about body image, in the context of Glee (which, surprisingly enough, he watches regularly).  He laughed at my outrage, scoffed at my standards, and seemed arrogantly perplexed when I told him that yes, in fact, the idea that there are people who still think that men and women should not be treated equally bothers me.  He then proceeded to tell me that I was, in fact, wrong about what women need.  He said women don't need to be told they're beautiful.  That women who are more than 5 pounds overweight, who are ugly or who don't fit some beauty standard shouldn't feel beautiful because they're not. He told me that he shouldn't be socially obligated to lie to women about what's attractive (I don't think he's distinguished beauty and hotness yet…), women should not be told they're beautiful, nor should they feel beautiful about themselves if they aren't.  He insists that being beautiful SHOULD be objectified, and standardized, and related solely to external attraction.  He insists that it's a good thing for people to not have their self esteem "falsely" boosted, that feeling judged and objectified and inadequate and unworthy is a good thing, that it's not ok to tell a woman that she's ok the way she is because in all likelihood there's something wrong with her, something that needs to be fixed before she can be beautiful…. He told me that people are not created equally and that not everyone deserves to be loved.  He somehow tied this "falsifying of beauty" to the collapse of America, but to be honest I'd stopped listening by the time he'd gotten to that place in his speech.

I can't express how outraged I am- it's difficult for me to stomach!!  It physically sickens me to think of things this way; I didn't let on when he was telling me all this, but I wanted to hit him, and had we not been "on the clock" I would've.   I wanted to clock him so hard, to knock sense into him, to tie him to a chair and duct tape his mouth shut and yell and scream and cry at him until he understood.  I actually did go home and cry, for what he's failing to see in himself, in everyone around him, and for the hurt it might have caused.  I wanted to take all the broken pieces from all the women he's ever objectified and glue them back together.  I wanted to explain to him how insanely hard it is to be a girl, how he could never understand how much it hurts,  how when people (men or women) objectify and judge other women, it makes ME feel objectified and judged, even if they haven't said one thing about me.  I wanted to show him my scars, internal and external, to show him how much pain it can cause, and how much damage it can do.  I wanted to make him understand, I wanted to make him feel the way I've felt, the way I know many other women have felt, and then ask him to honestly hold the same stance.  I wanted to show him the movie Precious, the scene where she says nobody loves her, and play it over and over again until his heart was shattered for her.  I wanted to take a hammer and smash his heart like a mirror, and ask him to put all the pieces back together like women have to do every single day, I wanted to logic with him, reason him into seeing my side but that's the problem that there is no logic to it, it's all about the feelings, I wanted to make him feel it to see it to believe it to hurt it and feel the glory of it when you're no longer restricted by the world's view of you and show him how low and excruciating it can be and how high and beautiful it can soar.  I want him to see that all women are beautiful!! But he won't.  He refuses to see my side.  I want to write him a letter, but I don't know what to say.  I want to explain things to him but how does one explain such deep, complex, and vast emotions?  How can he ever see my side if he refuses to feel my side?!?!

And so I cry.  Because I don't know what else to do.


*Here's the script and a link to a youtube audio feed of the epitome of the last 2 weeks of Glee.  Please watch.   Or better yet, go to Hulu.com and watch the full episode (if you want to watch just this part, it starts at 33:00)

Mercedes:  Hey guys.  I'm Mercedes Jones.  So most of you know, Cheerios! is about perfection and winning, looking hot and being popular.... well I think that it should be about something different. How many of you at this school feel fat?  [Quinn, the pregnant girl, raises her hand].  How many of you feel like maybe you're not worth very much?  Or you're ugly and you have too many pimples and not enough friends? [more kids are raising their hands].  Well I've felt all of those things about myself at one time or another.  Hell, I've felt most of those things about myself today.  And that just ain't right.  And we've got something to say about it.  And if you like what we have to say, come down here and sing it with us.  

Here's the youtube "video" (it's really just the recording)