This is day 2 of guest posts from Whitney. If you want to read the first one, click here.
God teaches us in so many ways, and for me, much of that has been through the experience of being single. In the moments that I’ve taken the time to think a little longer and dig a little deeper into why I long for another person to share my life with, God has revealed my needs and the amazing ways in which He satisfies them. In the times I have felt vulnerable and fearful, unwanted, and trapped by my own emotions, the Lord reminds me that He has secured my future. He has chosen me and demonstrated unwarranted favor; and in Him, I have the freedom to love and be loved the way my heart aches to.
This summer I was planning to move in with my two dear friends, who I am thankful to now call my roommates. As we were apartment searching we found ourselves running up against several obstacles. A variety of factors threatened our options to find a place to live and the pressure of one expiring lease yet to be replaced increased as the weeks went on. By the grace of God, this experience strengthened our faith, but not without moments of fear on my part. I knew that God would provide, and I don’t think that I truly feared a lack of physical provision. What I did fear was aloneness in these circumstances. My would-be roommates were amazing during the process, and I had support from family, friends, and my church, but I felt that my future was untied to anyone. I didn’t doubt that people cared, but couldn’t shake the feeling that if I went down, I was going down alone. Financial struggles and insecurity were not new experiences for me, but for the first time, I felt that I was fighting them alone. Far away from family, and financially untied to any another person, my future felt uncertain in a much scarier way than I had yet experienced. When the weight of this hit me, my first thought was “if only I had someone…”.
Then I actually stopped to think, if only I had someone…then what?
Here God reminded me of His presence and power in the world and my life. Would my future be any more secure than it is now? Would a husband be a better provider than the creator and sustainer of the universe? When the almighty God beckons me to bring all things to Him in prayer and supplication, what more would I ask of someone else? The Lord knows my every need and provides for me (Matthew 6). What’s more amazing, my life and my future are hidden, secure, with Jesus Christ (Colossians 3:3). More than physical provision (for which I am thankful to God) my future is united with Christ’s. When I wonder if I’ll have a husband or family of my own and am tempted to be anxious, I’m reminded that Christ is my life, that I am united to brothers and sisters in Christ, and that as His bride, I have a hope and a future.
While the apartment search and its accompanying fears only lasted a few weeks, I’ve struggled off and on for years with another kind of loneliness. If I’m honest, this is too often wrapped up in vanity and pride. My desire for someone to want me, and to choose me, betrays a self-centeredness that does not honor the Lord. However, I don’t think that there is always sin in acknowledging the sting that comes with rejection, or hurting when feeling alone. In fact, when I find myself wondering why someone may not have chosen me, or why I am still single, it’s all the more amazing to consider that God did choose me. All the faults I try to hide, God sees in ugly detail. All the failings I try to compensate for, God already knows, in addition to the ones that are still coming. And yet He still chose me! Christ suffered rejection and affliction because I was beloved. Amazing.
There may be plenty of reasons I am single, but not being loved isn’t one of them. Looking at this truth in the face of my singleness has lead me trust and rest in the Lord. I have to wonder if I would know that peace and feel the depth of His love the way that I have if I hadn’t also felt rejected from men.
Finally, I have to say one of the most joyous aspects of all of this that the Lord has shown me lately has been the freedom I have in Him. There is so much to say about the freedom we have in Christ, but right now I am talking about the freedom we have to love and express love.
I have learned some hard lessons about misplaced love and affection. Whether I have set my sights on an imprudent match, or have let my thoughts and feelings run away too quickly with a good man in the picture, I know that whatever pain that may naturally come with loneliness is much worse when I run away with my own plans rather than waiting on the Lord. But knowing that doesn’t make it much easier to stay cool and collected when there is a romantic interest in view. Something inside me can’t help but to make plans, or consider all of his good qualities, and to hope that my feelings will be reciprocated. For me, the excitement of a new friendship can also come with the fear that I will be unguarded and foolish with my emotions. So what to do with my giddiness and my affections? Who should be center of my daydreams and hopes for the future?
It’s so obvious, and yet, it floored me in a whole new way. I thought I understood what it meant to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I did, in some ways; but the sweetness of pouring all of my affections and hopes into the One worthy of everything that I am had been lost on me before. The beauty and true joy of being able to express all of my love to the Lord, unabashedly, without abandon, and not fearing His rejection has captivated my heart all over again. I am free to literally sing love songs to the Lord without fearing a broken heart. Not only am I free to do this, this is my calling, what my entire life for eternity is all about: loving the Lord with every ounce of my being. I don’t have to stop myself short and scold myself for running away with thoughts about God. In fact, I sin when I do not put all of my hopes in Him and when I do not remember His goodness and beauty each day. Isn’t incredible to think that one of my greatest desires is the most important commandment? To love. Sadly, in my life, that love is too often corrupted and misplaced. But what freedom! My desire to love deeply and fully is not to be quelled, but to be stoked into a deep and abiding love for my God.
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
Psalm 34:8
What can I say? I have tasted and seen. I have tasted the bitterness of my fears and failings in loneliness, making all the more sweet the Lord’s goodness in His love.
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