Checking In

At the beginning of the semester, I set out a few goals for myself.  (See the post from January entitled "Discipline" to read about it).  I figured it's about time to re-evaluate where I am...

• I've decided that I'm cutting desserts and soda out of my diet.  Completely.  Maybe not permanently, but for now.  I need to start eating better, and this is step one.  

Well... I stopped drinking soda for a while.  And I stopped eating desserts for a while.  The goal was not to cut sugar completely out of my diet, but to re-evaluate how I'm eating and how I can be healthier.  I still have work to do, but since going vegan, I've started eating healthier in general, so although I'm back to drinking soda and eating (some) desserts, I feel healthier.

• I'm going to get up every morning before my classes and swim.  Yes, 5 days a week.  Me.  In the pool.  Blech I hate mornings.

This has been a complete and utter failure.  I think I've been to the practices maybe 4 times since the semester started.  This part of my life I REALLY need help with.   

• I'm going to be disciplined about reading my Bible every day.  Every single day.  Through the entire Bible, in one year.

So far, the consistency has been an issue.  Although I've read my Bible and prayed every day, I need to find a consistent TIME to do it.  Just like working out, it's more effective if you do it at the same time every day.  And doing it as I'm falling asleep probably isn't the most effective way to retain what I'm learning.  I'm working on getting up early to do it, but so far... well, I'm REALLY not a morning person, so you can only imagine how that goes.  This still needs work. 

• I am going to be disciplined about my school work.  This means doing all the assignments, reading the assigned texts, not procrastinating, and planning in advance to get things done and then doing it.

This is an absolute and utter failure.  (Ok, maybe I'm being a little hard on myself... I have tried really hard.  I'm just a little overwhelmed.  And I've done the readings (mostly) for the classes that matter.).  This needs some re-evaluation next semester about what my goals are academically, and how to achieve them.  

•  I am going to be disciplined about finding (and then getting involved with) an organization to do regular community service with.  An animal shelter, a homeless program, something.  I need to get back into it.  So far: progress, but still undecided.  

Until about 3 weeks ago, I did a good job with this one.  I found a great organization near Dupont Circle, and I've been volunteering with them regularly before classes.  Unfortunately, the last few weeks have been crazy, I've been sick, and I'm struggling with doing everything.  And this fell by the wayside. I hope to pick it up again next week, and to try to do better in the future.  

So from here - where do I go?  One of my major goals for this summer is to get a consistent schedule going in my life.  It's something I really struggle with, but I think if I could just make it a habit it would make my life SO much easier.  So that's priority number one.  Part of doing that is going to be getting up every morning to swim with masters, reading my Bible after that, and then trying to find some semblance of consistency in whatever job I have.  For the summer, that's where I'm at right now.  Who wants to hold me accountable??  (L.....?)

Haiti Update

For those of you out there who are reading this to hear updates about my trip to Haiti, here you go:

I made my first payment (of $600) a week ago.  I got almost half of that raised in support from you guys, so thank you so very much to all of you who have been praying and giving - God has been faithful! 

Having to make that payment finally made it real.  I'm going to Haiti!  In 6 and a half weeks (which means I only have like 4 weeks of school left!), I'm leaving the country for a week.  I'm nervous and excited.  I've done the majority of my mission work with one organization, and mostly in the United States (although if you count Native American reservations as something different, it's about half and half...).  This will be a new experience - going with a new church and a new organization to a new country.  This is the first time I'll be doing mission work as more than a nominal Christian - which both terrifies me and excites me in a way I can't describe. 

I think (I hope and pray) that, at least on a financial level, this trip is going to happen.  I think I always knew that - The instant this trip was proposed, I knew I was going, even if I had to sell everything and take out a loan.  I'm hoping I don't have to go quite that far, at least not for this trip (thanks to you people!!!!).  My passport, however, is causing me great stress.  I did the research on the State Department website, filled out what I thought were the right forms, wrote a check, got my pictures, and sent everything in.  About two weeks later, my dad called, saying he'd received my denied passport application in the mail (Eek!)  Needless to say, I freaked out.  After much searching on the internet, and two phone calls to the passport people at the State Department, I finally figured out why, got the RIGHT forms filled out, and sent in, but it normally takes about 6 weeks to process, and I leave in 6 and half....  So please pray!  Pray that everything would go smoothly with this passport application, and that the department can get me my passport in time to go.  I know God is faithful, and I know that he has called me to be on this trip - I trust He will provide exactly what I need.  But please pray with me that everything would go smoothly! 

I have one more payment of $300 to make (Yes, I do know how to add, I received another $100 in donations since I made the initial payment...), and I pray that God will be faithful in providing the resources I need to go.  Thank you all for your support so far.  We have our first team training on April 17th, so please be praying that would go smoothly.  Right now, we have 12 people signed up to go.  Please pray that the spirit would be moving in everyone's heart, preparing them for the trip ahead, and that everyone can find the resources to take time away from work and family to go.  I will continue to update through letters and blogging.  As the trip gets closer, I'm sure there will be more updates filled with anxiety and eager anticipation! 

Thank you all so very much for your support, I cannot describe how blessed I am by each and every one of you. 

After 3 Weeks

I'm (almost) 3 weeks in to my vegan stint for Lent.   So far....

I just about had a minor meltdown in Whole Foods yesterday.  I was hungry, and tired, and very stressed about my paper that was due this morning (which, at the time, I hadn't even started).  I'd just gotten off work early and hadn't eaten anything all day, and I thought to myself I'd go grab some food across the street, and then sit at the little lunch place in Whole Foods and work on my essay before church.  But I got back to the make your own sandwich bar, which is right next to the stone oven that they make pizzas in, and I could smell the cheese... I love cheese.  Maybe more than milk.  I really really do.  And suddenly the thought of a grilled turkey-tomato-cheese-basil-spinach sandwich popped into my head, and I couldn't let it go.  I seriously entertained the thought of just putting cheese on my sandwich.  Nobody else was there - nobody would ever know.... It was the first time I'd seriously started having an internal battle over my cravings and my commitment.  

I've messed up a couple times.  But I'm learning how to let it go.  It's one of the reasons I think God has called me to do this. 

Aside from my momentary, passing desires (and so far they all are passing), I'm contemplating being vegan permanently.  Already, I feel healthier, and more responsible.  I don't feel guilty about buying food anymore, knowing what I know. 

I think it's easy to get caught up in all the things I can't eat anymore.  All the cheese and milk and cookies and muffins and eggs and hamburgers and jelly....  But there are still so many things I can eat.  And I still have a grocery store to go to where I can buy enough food to feed me.  I have a job and parents who support me enough that I can afford to buy food, period. 

So... that's pretty much where I'm at. So far, it's been easier to go vegan "cold turkey" (so-to-speak...) than i expected.   But a lifetime is a long time... so I think I've only scratched the surface. 

Short Films and Slam Poetry

One of the best short films I've ever seen.  I might be a little bit in love with TJ Thyne now... 

Seriously.  Watch.  Smile.  Be Inspired.  :) 

Slam Poetry from an Awesome Christian guy about Toms and Life.... 

On Being Vegan (Days 1 and 2)

So I've officially been vegan for 2 days. 

Well, sort of.  I spent all of yesterday being vegan, but I was also detoxing, so I wasn't actually eating anything...  That was hard for it's own reasons - mostly that I would walk past a restaurant and smell food that I know is delicious, and not be able to eat it.  But I feel clean and healthy after 3 days of detoxing, so... all's well that ends well. 

So far, being vegan actually hasn't been that hard.  The cravings for dairy and bacon haven't set in yet.  I'll admit, it's weird to open the fridge and not be able to drink milk.  It's strange when I think about the fact that I may never eat a hamburger again, or chicken picatta (which does make my heart shrivel a little bit...), and to walk through a grocery store or look at a restaurant menu and realize how much there is that I can't eat anymore.  When I think about it, I've found that it's really easy to get caught up in all the No's, all the things that I can't eat anymore.  But if there's anything I learned from Coach, its that the way you think about things really does make a difference (thanks, friend!).  So I'm trying not to focus on that.  I'm trying to focus on how thankful I am that I can afford to be vegan - both financially and simply in terms of the fact that I have food readily available at hundreds of different sources nearby.  

Even over the last 2 days, I'm feeling more blessed and healthy than ever.  Praise be to God.

Let's Talk Baptism!

I've gotten some questions about this recently, so I feel like I should articulate something that I maybe haven't done a great job of making clear: I decided to get baptized again out of obedience to the Word of God and as a public profession of my faith, NOT as a way to condemn or show preferential treatment to any particular denomination.

My decision to be baptized didn't have anything to do with denomination or a particular church. I think that all churches, regardless of denomination, have some variety of inherent flaws (they are, after all, composed of humans...). I believe God can (and does) use those flaws to teach us, to humble us, and to bring us closer to Him. I don't completely agree with Episcopal doctrine, nor do I completely agree with Baptist doctrine. I've discussed some of these (relatively minor) differences with my pastors, and we have agreed to respectfully disagree. They did make it clear that they value the fact that I am thinking critically for myself about the Scriptures, and not simply taking what they teach at face value without comparing it to God's Word. That, to me, spoke volumes about their character as teachers and pastors, and what they think is important in my relationship with the church and with God.

I chose the church I am currently attending based on the community that is growing there, and what I find spiritually nourishing - I have no particular issue with the Episcopal Church as a whole (or St. Timothy's in particular) that "drove me away" or caused me to leave - I simply find that a service constructed in a more ritualized, liturgical way is not as fulfilling or meaningful to me as a service with a little less structure and a little longer sermon. I don't think there's anything wrong with those types of services, and for some people (in particular, like my parents), they are wonderful. I just feel that at this point in my life, given who I am, it's simply not what I need. I believe that my church is very Biblical and Gospel-centered, and that the pastors and members are truly interested and invested in creating a community based in Christ. That is the most important thing to me.

Regarding baptism: my decision to be baptized is not my way of "officially switching denominations" or making any sort of declaration for the Baptist church or against the Episcopal church. It is not even really a part of me just becoming an official member of this particular church, but truly and fully becoming a part of His Church. Being baptized is something that God began to lay on my heart many years ago - before I fully rejected Him, even. I'm only choosing to be baptized with this new community because they truly have provided a communal home for me as my new life in DC grows, and as I grow in my walk with Christ.

I am not trying to undermine or downplay the importance of my parents and my upbringing in my spiritual walk.  I simply acknowledge that at the age of 3 months old, I was not able to decide for myself to follow Christ wholeheartedly.  I was never confirmed, nor did I ever take on the responsibility of that covenant with God for myself. My parents did in fact do their very best to raise me in a relationship with Christ. But I (and I alone) rejected that.

I believe that Jesus came to earth as fully man and fully God and replaced the old covenant with a new one of eternal grace and redemption, if we will only accept it. No matter how much my parents love me, or will me to the Gospel, or tried to raise me in a Christian life with a genuine relationship with God, they cannot make that decision for me. Because God, in his infinite love, gave us free will, I must own that decision for myself. And I have, finally. My baptism is not a condemnation of the Episcopal church, of the way my parents raised me, or a simple "re-acceptance" into the faith (we all experience ups and downs, even daily and hourly!). It is more than just a renewal of a covenant that I have already accepted - It is an acceptance of a covenant I have never taken part in until now. I did not decide to be baptized spontaneously or lightly; I have prayed through this decision and truly examined my heart in the matter.

Praise be to God for His infinite grace!

Food, Inc.

Yes, I know it's a liberal film that doesn't quite tell the whole story. 

But still.  I saw the movie today for the second time in my Human Geography class.  And something occurred to me.  The first time I saw it, I don't really think it sunk in (which might've had something to do with who I was watching it with....). ;)  But in all seriousness, now that I've decided to be vegan (at least for a short while), my decision is being reinforced by things like that.

If you've never seen the movie, you should.  Even if you're not a proponent of animal rights, you still should know what you're eating and where it comes from.  Let's be honest - we ought to know what we're putting in our bodies, but we don't anymore.  It's a well-done movie that, although slightly biased, says a lot of important things.  And after watching it again today, I wouldn't be surprised if I just stayed Vegan.  I've recently become incredibly convicted about being a responsible consumer - environmentally, personally, geographically, socially... in every way possible.  In the food I buy, in the companies I actively or passively support, in the clothes I wear, in the things I say and do... I think it's so important to understand the consequences of our actions.

But what, you ask, can one individual possibly do about issues like global child labor?!  Yes, it's daunting.  I'll be the first to admit that.  I'm often overwhelmed by it, actually.  It's a constant struggle for me to remember that I am not God and that I can only do so much.  But I recently read an article for my Moral Philosophy class that suggested that cruelty persists because people still believe that individuals cannot make a difference.  And so I will, as an individual, stand up and do my part.  It will be small.  But you say, if I don't buy it/eat it/do it, certainly someone else will, right?!  Wrong!  What if 1 million of the 300 million people we have living in the United States decided to stop buying clothes that were made in sweatshops?  That could mean that those 1,000,000 people live in 1,000,000 different communities around the country, who have never met one another and who will never meet one another, and maybe they are even the ONLY people in their communities to do such a thing.  Does that mean that those 1,000,000 people aren't making a difference just because they FEEL isolated?  No!  Being alone in something should not prevent you from standing up for something you know is right - in fact, it should invigorate you!  This is what I seek to do - not just with this, but with every aspect of my life. 

So don't be surprised if I stay vegan.  Because right now, to me, it looks like there are a lot of good reasons for being vegan, and only 3 good reasons for not being vegan:  meat tastes good, laziness, and ignorance. (Ask me again in a month, I might have changed my tune... ;))

Lovers and Knots

Sometime a couple summers ago  I went to Colorado Springs with a group to the Garden of the Gods (if you live in Colorado and you've never been - GO! It's fantastic.), and in the gift shop I found (of all things), a ring.

Now, I'm not really a girly-girl (shocking, I know), but I do love me some jewelry. especially rings.  Why, I don't know.  I just like them.

So I got this ring, because I loved it.  This was around the time that I was starting to re-examine my faith, and around the time that I was (although not a Christian) starting to rediscover God. And the ring turned into a symbol of my relationship with God.  I wear it on my ring finger on my left hand.  It's sort of a purity ring, but it's more.  It's not just that I'm waiting for my version of Mr. Darcy, it's that until I meet him (and even after I meet him), God is my everything.  The ring is traditionally a lovers knot ring.  And that's what it is.  I've fallen head-over-heels completely crazy in love with God.  And thats why I wear that ring.

But somehow, sometime in the last 2 months, I managed to forget why I wear the ring.  I play with it constantly, take it off, twist it around, put it back on.  I feel naked without it.  But I forgot what it meant.  Until Sunday (Thank you, N, for the sermon...). 

But it's true, God IS my everything.  I'm his bride.  And I need to remember that. 

Loving Spring

For those of you who don’t have or don’t check facebook, here’s my status: (Yea, mom, this is for you.)

*I’m currently sitting the steps of the Lincoln Memorial working on some homework.*

Yes, that’s right, I live in one of the coolest places ever.  :)

The last 3 days here have been absolutely and fantastically gorgeous, and I’m starting to remember that Spring may in fact be my favorite season (ask me again in June though and I might have a different answer).  Except for the wind.  That part is making me absolutely crazy.  But it’s been phenomenally gorgeous, people have been out, and despite the fact that I am (as always) behind on school work due to procrastination, not entirely sure what the next year of my life looks like (that’s an understatement), and wishing desperately that DC had some mountains nearby (quick shout-out to Colorado!), I’m so incredibly happy.  I didn’t know I could be this happy.  (ok, I did, but it still feels really good.)  It’s not often that I let myself be this genuinely and completely happy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m good here.  I love it, and I’m mostly happy, but my brain is always running and there’s always that issue (or issues) nagging in the back of my brain.  That’s not a bad thing - I need people and issues and life ot keep me grounded sometimes – but sometimes I also need to let myself go.  I need to just rest in the complete and fantastic goodness of God. Which is what I’m doing right now. 

A couple weeks ago at church, we talked about the passage in Mark where Jesus feeds 5,000 (yep, that famous story with the loaves and the fish).   I love that story, and I love that story even more ever since hearing my pastor preach about it (I pretty much have the coolest church ever).  But one of the things he said that really struck me was that the beginning of the story is Jesus calling for rest and retreat, EVEN WHEN THERE WAS STILL WORK TO BE DONE.  He was going to take the disciples away for some rest and time alone in fellowship, even when there were people still hungry for his teachings.  Amazing!  I need to be reminded of that more often. 

The story gets better.  Mark says that Jesus was sailing along in his boat seeking said rest, when he saw the people running after him, starving for him.  Desperately seeking him.  And it says that he “had compassion for them, for they were like sheep without a shepherd.” (Mark 6:34) And Jesus, even in his seeking rest, allowed the Lord to work and to teach to multitudes of people!  I need to remember this too.  That even in my busy, scheduled day, I need to allow God to work in me and through me.  Even when I’m seeking rest.  And even when I’m doing schoolwork.  And even when I’m hanging out with friends. 

Goodness I have a lot to learn. 

But right now, I’m simply enjoying spending time reveling in the Glory and Greatness of My Creator.  He is beautiful and He is good and He is faithful.  And that, simply put, is enough. 

Now, back to homework and enjoying the beautiful day.  :)

Super Bowl Sunday!

It's Super Bowl Sunday - one of my favorite holidays ever!  Right behind Thanksgiving and Christmas, Super Bowl Sunday is most definitely on the list of top 5 favorite days of the year.

Why, you ask, do I enjoy watching very large, strong men in tights run up and down a field with a ball that isn't even round?  I have no earthly idea.

Why, you ask, do I sit glued to the TV, yelling at the players as though they can hear me?  Not a clue (it's just impulsive, I don't really think about it....).

Why, you ask, would I waste all this time watching games instead of doing things of value, like homework?  Because I love it!  It's just way too much fun to give up without a REALLY good reason.

So today I will sit, yell, eat chips and dip, cheer, jump up and down, and overall thoroughly enjoy myself.  Because after all, who doesn't love ridiculous sports?

P.S.  My pick?  GB. All the way.  :)

I Love Dogs (and Monkeys and Rats and All Other Animals)

So I've decided I'm going to be vegan. 


Maybe not permanently, but definitely for Lent.  I'm going to try it.  I'm doing it for a few reasons.  I love animals, and the more I learn (at the risk of sounding anti-American and communist), the more I dislike many aspects of Capitalism.  The idea of testing things on animals "because we can"and to avoid ridiculous litigiousness because people can't make enough money other ways disgusts me.  The idea of cramming millions of chickens in warehouses where they have their beaks cut off at a young age and where they walk around their entire lives in their own feces is horrendous.  I think there's a huge problem with the economical, ecological, and political implications of corporate food production, especially the meat industry.  It's healthier for the environment, and (if I do it right) healthier for me.  In Genesis, the one commandment God gave to Adam and Eve is to care for the earth.  And we are clearly not doing that.  And I am not doing that by supporting the industry with my money. 

But if I'm being honest, that's only a part of the reason.  Partly, I just really like the idea of a challenge.  I like entropy, I like chaos, and I like challenging and trying new things.  This is going to be a big challenge.  I like my meat.  I like my hamburgers.  But more than that, I love my milk.  My nutella, my cheese, my morning latte, my TOMS with leather insoles... so this is going to be a really big change.  It's going to take patience.  And forgiveness.  And self-control, and discipline, and commitment, endurance, thoughtfulness, dedication, self-awareness, prayer...

When I decided that I was really going to try this, I went on Amazon and ordered a few books about becoming Vegan.  I figured it'd be good to have a few starting points - some recipes, some advice from people who have been there, things to think about, how to make sure that I'm still getting all the vitamins I need, etc.  (That, and I tend to compulsively buy books.)  I got my first book tonight (The Complete Idiot's Guide to Vegan Living), and I started reading it.  As I started reading it, one of the things that kept cropping up was the idea that this is a transition not just in diet, but in lifestyle and in thinking about things.  The author kept insisting that this transition is hard, and that if I "slip" in my new eating habits, it's important not to beat myself up about it but to just forgive myself and move on.

Up until that moment, I hadn't thought about this as a spiritual experience.  I mean, I had in terms of the idea of giving [something] up for lent.  The idea is that whatever that [something] is, whenever I actively decide not to eat, drink, partake in, or whatever that [something] is, I'm reminded of the sacrifice Jesus made for us.  The idea that vegan living has a scriptural basis.  But not the actual transition itself.  But remember all those things I said this transition is going to take?  Yea, those are all actually things that God has been teaching and re-teaching me over the last semester.  And then God comes along and lays this whole vegan thing on my heart... 

God works in amazing and wonderful (and sometimes slightly intimidating) ways.  He is Faithful and He is Good, and I'm so excited to start this journey with Him. 

Fun!

I would just like to share with you all how much I love my ridiculous 5-fingers shoes.  They are genuinely the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned.  I will probably own a pair of these for the rest of my life... and wear them every day.

Ok, if I'm being completely honest, I probably won't - it'll depend a lot on what country I'm in, and given the fact that these shoes are currently super-expensive, and I'll be poor, it really won't turn out that way.  But... I just wanted to share how much fun I am having in these shoes!!!  Random people have asked me about them, I can feel the earth (or concrete, as the case may be) beneath my feet, I can wiggle my toes, I can stand up all day and not get tired or uncomfortable... They're brilliant!  And everyone should own a pair. 

I would also like to point out (Mom, are you paying attention??)  that my feet, knees, ankles, hips, shins, and back haven't hurt even for one little micro-second while wearing these shoes.  They actually hurt MORE when I'm in my $150 tennis shoes!  Granted, I haven't tried running in them yet (that's on the agenda for this week), but so far, my feet actually feel healthy and not crazily deformed or stressed in these shoes.  :)  And therefore I love them even more than I already do. 

Go neo-hippies.  :) 

On the Nature of [Wo]Man (as [s]He Writes Essays and Watches TV)

 For my moral philosophy class, we have to write an essay on morality (go figure).  It's on the movie Crimes and Misdemeanors, and we have been challenged to decide whether the main character, Judah, behaves in a moral way or not.  (For those of you who haven't seen the movie, the main character Judah hires a hit-man to kill his mistress to cover up the affair and the knowledge she has of his embezzlement of money in his company, and is never caught for the act.  The murder is instead pinned on a homeless man who was arrested for other break-ins and subsequent murders in the area.  After all, "what's one more murder on his record?").  Furthermore, we must also decide if he is a moral person.  It's a challenging subject, not because I don't know what I think about the subject, but because I don't know how to articulate it in an academically acceptable way (especially on this campus). 

As a Christian, my view of morality, of right and wrong, is entirely dependent on God.  It wasn't always that way - I used to be a moral relativist (if you're interested, see some of my oldest posts...).  I still occasionally find myself sympathizing with relativism and the ideas associated with it, especially when I'm confronted with a situation like this one.  I believe firmly, with every ounce of my heart and soul and head, that God exists.  I believe that there is an absolute moral right and wrong.  But I don't know how to academically, philosophically prove that.  So I'm stuck in this conundrum - I believe what I believe, but on a philosophical level I have no idea how to prove it. 

In the process of trying to decide how to appropriately articulate myself, I decided to take a little brain-break, and watch some TV.  I've heard from a few people recently about this TV show (sort of set up like Candid Camera, if anybody remembers that show), called "What Would You Do?".  It basically sets up awkward situations in real life with hidden cameras and actors, to examine how people react.  Some of their set-ups include a waiter harassing a gay couple with children, a racist store manager asking a black woman to leave an up-scale NYC store because she "can't trust people like [her]", and placing a (fake) baby inside a closed up car on a hot summer day on the street with a recording of crying noises.  They set up hidden cameras to view the situation, and afterward often talk to people about why they reacted (or didn't react) the way they did. 

It occurred to me while watching this that people who stand up for the "right thing" are often angry and upset during a confrontation, and relieved when they discover that it's actually a set-up.  On the other hand, the people who don't react (but who noticed the situation) are almost always ashamed, apologetic, and make "politically correct" excuses.  It occurs to me that even with touchy subjects such as racism and gay couples, most people are simply afraid of standing up for what they know is the right thing.  Some people even flip-flopped on the subjects - when talking to other customers or the people who are perpetuating these acts, they agree (or at the very least acquiesce) to their point of view.  But as soon as they find out it's a set up, they immediately correct their position and proclaim how wrong it is. 

All this brings me to think that somewhere, deep down, everybody knows what is right and wrong.  Everybody knows, even beyond cultural norms, but to the depths of humanity what is right and wrong. 

So now I think I'll re-approach my essay with this in mind.  With a sense of community in mind, as well as the understanding that I can, just maybe, articulate the depth of my convictions given the right tools and mindset. 

Quickie Update...

So I've officially been through one week of classes, and rather than working on the horrendous amounts of reading I should be doing or being out on a Friday night with friends, I'm failing miserably at focusing and getting necessary things done.  In that vein, I though I might post an update about what the last week has brought for me.  Here goes:

• My best friend has been posting pictures on Facebook of her semester so far in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.  I am incredibly jealous.  
• Class 1: Poverty and Culture - My professor is really strange and eccentric.  But I like him.  The class seems like it's going to have an interesting combination of intellectual and emotional facets, and I'm excited.  
• I'm happy to be back at my church (who ever thought I'd say that?!).  :)  
• I'm getting baptized in February.  Get excited!!! (I am.)
• Class 2:  Human Geography - I met a girl who went to Highland Ranch HS in that class (fun and weird), and the class is going to be easy (I think) but interesting nonetheless
• I GOT MY VIBRAM 5 FINGERS IN THE MAIL AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!! Seriously though, maybe the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned.  EVER.  
• Class 3: Art History - Again, I've essentially already taken an Art History class (thanks to Schuster), so it should be easy but fun!! I love art!
• Class 4: Philosophy - This class is going to kick my ass.  Hardcore.  Like imagine me being figuratively an olympic weightlifter after this, only instead of with weights with reading and writing and discussing moral philosophy.  It might kill me.  But if it doesn't, it's gonna be awesome!  And incredibly challenging.  
• I'm excited about not having to go to school on Monday.
• I'm a little overwhelmed by trying to plan for summer
• Westboro Baptist Church protested at AU today - I slept.  ;) oops.
• Class 5: Voice - I am so intimidated.  That is all.  
• Class 6: Martial Arts.  I have a bruise the size of an apple on my thigh, and the entire front of my rib cage/abdomen is bruised.  And my ankle is screwed up.  But man, it is good to be back.  :) 
• I am failing miserably at my decisions to try to be more disciplined.  
• Class 7:  Islam - Should be interesting.  I've only had the class once, so it's hard to say, but I'm excited.

 And the final bomb...........................

• I think (not a finalized decision yet, but I think...) I am going to try being vegan for Lent.  (Oh dear Lord, what have I gotten myself into!??!)

That is all.  :)  

Discipline

One of my new goals this semester is discipline.  So far.....

• I've decided that I'm cutting desserts and soda out of my diet.  Completely.  Maybe not permanently, but for now.  I need to start eating better, and this is step one.  So far: success. 

• I'm going to get up every morning before my classes and swim.  Yes, 5 days a week.  Me.  In the pool.  Blech I hate mornings.  So far: failure.  

• I'm going to be disciplined about reading my Bible every day.  Every single day.  Through the entire Bible, in one year.  So far: undecided.

• I am going to be disciplined about my school work.  This means doing all the assignments, reading the assigned texts, not procrastinating, and planning in advance to get things done and then doing it. So far: undecided

•  I am going to be disciplined about finding (and then getting involved with) an organization to do regular community service with.  An animal shelter, a homeless program, something.  I need to get back into it.  So far: progress, but still undecided.  

Still a lot of work to be done....

P.S.  Isn't it interesting how similar the words "Discipline" and "Disciple" are...?

My Future Husband Had Better Have A Big Family

So I went to Minnesota this year for Thanksgiving - it's where my Dad is from and where most of his side of the family still lives.  Since my Mom got to keep her job (YAY!), we decided we could take a mini-vacation.  At first, I was excited - I didn't think I was going to get to see my family for Thanksgiving, so I was happy that they had invited me to go with them.  But that lasted for about a split second. 


Then I had this thought.  It went something like this - We never travel for Thanksgiving.  We always stay home.  We always have people over.  I don't like traveling around the holidays, it's too busy and chaotic.  I'd rather just stay home.  Why did we have to go to Minnesota, why couldn't we have just stayed home?  That sort of put a damper on my Thanksgiving.  I wasn't that excited about it.  :/

But then I went.  And I sat in my grandparent's basement with 20 other people around and I suddenly had this flood of memories - memories that I'd somehow forgotten, but suddenly remembered. Memories of traveling to my grandparents house for Christmas.  Good memories.  Really good memories.  I almost cried - how had I forgotten?  How could I have forgotten making cake with my grandmother, hanging some awkward glittery putty-like substance on the window in the shape of snowmen and stars and snowflakes (there's a good chance my grandfather invented this putty-stuff), Opening presents, playing in the snow with my little cousins, remembering my uncle bring home his new wife and me meeting her for the first time - the wife who, years later, stands in the basement pregnant?

My dad's family is sort of odd - everybody has their quirks, for sure.  Almost everybody is introverted, but somehow you put us all together and we are LOUD!  Kids run around everywhere, adults talk and cook, clean up messes and laugh.  We have our issues, sure, but I'm so blessed.  It's a crazy family, but good crazy.  Not crazy as in grandma won't talk to son 4 because he married a girl she doesn't like and cousin 12 picks on cousin 4 and uncle 2 isn't ever around because he's in and out of jail and nobody's spoken to him in twelve years.  Not that crazy.  Crazy as in it's almost an entire family of engineers, and if they're not engineers, they're damn smart.  Crazy as in everybody has strong personalities, and we're a stubborn family who is always going going going, crazy as in we eat a ton of food, and we're perfectionists, and babies are a treasure and always get all the attention.  Crazy as in we do things like set up dominos (not play dominos, no, we set them up to go tumbling down like one of those fun videos) even though we're not very good and it takes like 5 tries to get one good run in, and then somebody has forgotten to push the record button on the camera and suddenly we have to do it all over again.  Crazy as in we play board games instead of watching the tv and then get competitive but in a good way and stay up til midnight playing games.  Crazy as in there's just people, everywhere, all the time, and everybody sits on top of everybody else and talks to everybody and it takes 30 minutes to get one good family picture, because there are 4 amateur photographers who are all trying to get their best portraits ever.  Crazy as in all the cousins grew up watching the River Dance VHS, to the point where the tape got so worn out that it doesn't work anymore.  Crazy as in in the middle of a get together my uncle will suddenly jump up and run downstairs and come back a minute later with his entire library of old LP's and his turntable and we spend an hour going through them, and singing along to things like Elvis and John Denver and U2 and Neil Diamond and even the kids know some of the songs.  Just crazy.

And somehow this year I finally got it - my family.  I get why everybody says they're thankful for their family.  Because they're who you really need.  They're the ones. For the first time ever, I got it.  And I can't even begin to express how much I love my family.  And, how much I love having a big family. 

So, Mr. Right.... I hope you have a lot of siblings.  Because otherwise we might have an issue....

(If not, Lauren and James, you're going to have to make up the difference.  That means like at least 5 kids each.)

Black Smoke

So we did some meditation in my sociology class today.  It was interesting - I've always been intrigued by meditation, and have always thought it might be something good for me.

We spent some time stopping and just breathing, pausing for a moment to clear the chatter from our heads.  I think that's something I need to do more often, especially when it seems like I can't pray, like I can't hear God above all the noise and distractions.  Then we did some meditation to help tap into our compassion center.  We looked around at people and wished that each of them might be happy, heathy, and at ease.  That excersize was easy - ok, I shouldn't say easy, but not extremely difficult.  I try to always be aware of other people's needs, and to be aware of any malicious thoughts or judgements I might have, even toward strangers.

The last part was that we sat and imagined ourselves sitting across from people, and imagined taking on their troubles and burdens.  We did this by imagining us breathing in dark smoke and breathing out light smoke. When my professor explained what the last part of our meditation was going to be I almost laughed out loud.  I thought to myself, if I take on any more burdens, I am literally going to die or implode.  She went on to explain that she wanted us to imagine doing it with someone we loved, someone we felt neutrally about, and someone we really didn't like.  I could barely contain myself at this point.  I thought, there is no freakin' way.  There is absolutely no way.  This is so not something I need help with.  I kept thinking along those lines for another split second and then realized something.  I can't do this.  I can't take on other people's burdens.  I don't have the strength or the endurance or the wisdom. I actually, truly, literally, can't do this.  But God can.  And I need his strength to continue to take on others problems, and to relieve them of it.  I have to change my mentality; I cannot rely on myself.  I must do this through Him.  Without it I am nothing - I am dead.

Why Harry Potter Could Be Good For Christians

I HAVE MIDNIGHT PREMIER TICKETS TO THE NEW HARRY POTTER!! It comes out Thursday night, and I'm pretty much super excited about this.  Like really super excited.  So excited, in fact, that I've rented the fourth and fifth ones (the sixth is mysteriously unavailable...) to watch again before Thursday.  :)

In re-watching the 5th movie (for those who can't remember, it's the one with the Department of Mysteries and the weird connection between Voldemort and Harry), I stumbled upon an interesting realization - Dumbledore, in many ways, exemplifies many characteristics of a quintessential Christian life (minus, obviously, the Jesus part.  Which I suppose undermines "quintessential", but... well, I'll just explain.)  I don't think anyone could argue that Dumbledore is a weak figure. To the contrary, he is one of the strongest people through the series - both in terms of the magic he is able to perform and in the steadfastness of his character. Throughout the novels, he displays a gentle strength unlike anyone else.  His ability to stand up for what he knows is right, and yet also simultaneously display love and respect, even toward those he disagrees with (and towards those who are violent toward him or hurt him), is astounding.  He is never passive, he doesn't simply hope that something will be done, or that someone else will object to what is wrong, but he always seems to take the right course of action. He almost always listens before he speaks, he displays genuine affection for the kids he works with, and the other teachers.  He embraces change knowing that he will adapt, and remain steady in his knowledge of good and evil.  He is humble enough to recognize his weakness (which I'm hoping is something that will be particularly evident in the 6th and 7th movies, as it played such a prominent role in the books), and to ask for help when needed without imposing on others for help when he does not.  In many ways, he lives out the characteristics of a Christian life, lacking only the direction of God. 

I wish there weren't such a vehement outcry by the conservative Christian community against Harry Potter - they truly are well written stories with incredible characters.  Perhaps, in moderation and with the right mindset, Dumbledore could be a wonderful example for many Christians, myself included. 

The Dichotomy of Being

I've always had a hard time sharing my testimony.  Actually, I take it back.  Since my testimony is about 6 months old, it hasn't been "always".  But pretty much since it happened.  Even in the thick of it, I hated telling the story.  I hate the attention - I'd almost always rather listen to somebody else talk about themselves.  I hate how vulnerable I feel.  I hate how whiny and privileged it makes me feel.  I hate re-hashing that pain that led to such beauty.  I really truly hate everything that story represents about me.  But mostly, I hate the attention it draws to me.  I love telling the second half of the story - the part about me loving Jesus.  But the part that led to that is the part I hate.  So mostly, I tell people what is pertinent to any given conversation, and avoid the parts I don't like. 

But, in the last 2 weeks I've shared part/all of my testimony 3 times to 3 different people (which, by the way, has been more emotionally taxing than one might expect).  And all three of those people told me how encouraged they were.  How much they admired me.  And how much they appreciated my honesty.  A couple of those people, interestingly enough, also mentioned my strength... which was odd to me.  But I suppose through God, I am strong... and even though I didn't recognize it at the time, I was strong at the time, because God was in my life, even when I didn't want Him there.

God is reminding me that when I tell my story in His context, my story can be powerful and good in His name.  And if it is my mission in life to glorify Him, then perhaps I need to be more ready to share my testimony. 

Essays and Refugees

I'm supposed to be writing an essay about refugees right now, and how it's an international issue.  Shouldn't be that hard, right?  Wrong.  Maybe the hardest essay I've ever written in my entire life, and I don't know why. I cannot seem to get myself going.  I don't know what to write, where to begin, or what to say.  I have nothing to add to the conversation.  I wish I could just write a big long rant, about how much I bleed for these people, about the tears I shed, about the depth and width of my love and concern and profound, profound heartbreak.  I'm getting that drowning feeling again.  Like I just don't know what to go, or where to turn.  Except the difference is that now I know I have the strength of God to lean on.  Doesn't always make it easier though.  I mean, it does, infinitely so, but at the same time it doesn't.  It doesn't detract from their suffering, or the way I break for them.  Sometimes I wonder if the majority of the rest of the world feels as deeply as I do... and mostly I don't think so.  But doesn't that make me arrogant to assume that somehow I have the capability to feel in ways others don't?  I don't know... I honestly don't. 

Ugh.  I hate this essay.  I hate this conundrum.  I hate this feeling.  I don't want to write this essay. And yet I do.  But I don't.  It's just not coming out... my brain is not producing anything right now.  Nothing.  Zip.  I'm hungry. I'm overwhelmed.  I'm consumed with other problems right now.  I wish I could not multitask.  I wish I could just turn my brain off and write.

New plan:  Journal.  maybe paint.  Get right with God.  Think.  Pray.  Get sleep tonight.  Write tomorrow. 

Please pray that I can be patient with myself.  And that I can focus and have discipline in all areas. 

Boys and Girls

So, there's this new campaign called "Fat Talk Free Week".   I think their facebook page explains pretty well what they mean:

Fat Talk describes all of the statements made in everyday conversation that reinforce the thin ideal and contribute to women’s dissatisfaction with their bodies.

Examples of fat talk include: “I’m so fat,” “Do I look fat in this?” “I need to lose 10 pounds” and “She’s too fat to be wearing that swimsuit.”

Statements that are considered fat talk don’t necessarily have to be negative; they can seem positive yet reinforce the need to be thin. E.g., “You look great! Have you lost weight?” 

It was started by a Tri Delta sorority, and is now a national campaign to spend a week without "talking fat".  I think it's a great idea! But there are people out there who don't.  They say that this promotes an unhealthy lifestyle by telling people they don't need to work out or worry about what they look like.  Firstly, I'd just like to point out that almost all the blogs, reports, and articles I've read against this type of movement are from guys:  Boys, if you don't support this, shut your damn mouth!  Either back girls behind this or get out!  I'm not saying boys don't deal with their own self esteem issues, but I'm sorry, boys, you have NO IDEA what it feels like to be a girl.  None.  At all.  So shut up.  I'm so sick of hearing about this. 

I'm learning how to work out because I love my body, not because I hate it.  I'm learning how to eat right because I love me.  I'm learning how do everything I do out of self-love rather than self-hate.  If people can learn to love their bodies, everything else will fall into place.  It's when we start hating our bodies that problems (like eating disorders - including binge eating) occur.  See, when I love my body I can say, gosh I should work out regularly.  But when I miss a day because I'm busy or sick, I can also accept that that's ok, that maybe my body needs sleep and rest right now more than it needs to burn 400 calories an hour doing an intense workout.  And I'm still leading a healthy life. 

So PUT A SOCK IN IT guys.

Here's a letter I found a while ago on the TWLOHA page, and I think it's a letter every woman should read, and then write one herself. 

Dear Body,

I’ve always let some imperfection or another stand in the way of me seeing what you truly are, that you are beautiful. You are a divine creation housing the most valuable thing known to the universe, my soul. I’m beginning to realize that a person’s soul has the capacity to radiate light that transcends all the characteristics that I have been conditioned to believe are flaws.

You naturally tell a story. Your blue-green veins are like a map to where your heart has been and where it is going. The curve of your waist and the shape of your cheekbones tell a tale of heritage and ethnicity. There are crayon markings on the wall somewhere that has measured your height throughout the years. Always returning to the same spot to see how you’ve changed.

Your eyes bare resemblance to nature. They are a deep forest green with golden yellow sunflower flecks. Your faded birthmark, once beet red, brought me shame because all I wanted was to conform. It now reminds me of how unique you are and all I want is to be different.

Your body begins as a story but continues with new chapters throughout your life. Some are chapters of sadness and pain, others of joy, and all of growth. Each chapter a blank canvas meant to be painted by our experiences. Photos are memories but so are our bodies in a way that’s more real, no posing and no fakeness.

I’m realizing these things now, but I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize them before. I’ve done everything I could to destroy the canvas and deface and burn the pages of different chapters.

I’ve waged war on you before; used razor blades to feel and drugs to numb. I’ve used caffeine to stay awake and alcohol to sleep. Abusing the side effects of my prescription drugs like loss of appetite, to deliberately starve myself into making you skinnier. I’ve spent far too much time on a scale that merely weighs your effect on gravity, not the depth of your beauty. I wanted you to look like one of those girls in the magazines.

But in the ruins there is still a canvas. There is still beauty in your brokenness. The faded scars show healing reminding me that even though I’ve been in dark places, I’ve survived and learned and become stronger.

Although the war is over, the world still takes its toll. You have calluses on your hands from me writing too much and concentrating too hard. Yet the words are beautiful and the studying is worth it. You have the ache when it rains from broken bones, and stretch marks from growing too fast. You have burns from jobs and scars from falls. But those experiences were worth it.

Dear body, as I grow older I worry about how you will age. Together we gain wisdom and wrinkles, after being young and beautiful and naïve. The wisdom tells us that the beauty doesn’t subside, it only changes, and more of it comes from within. So I won’t worry when my hair doesn’t look just right, or when I do something stupidly funny and emerge with another scar because you are telling a story. And what would I be without my story and my past?

Things I [didn't] Learn in Sunday School

The last 6 months have been absolutely indescribable for me.  For those of you who know me, you may be able to see, or hear about, some of the changes that have been going on in my life (both internal and external); and let me assure you, there have been A LOT of them.  I don't know how to describe it, or how it even happened, but suddenly I'm a completely different person.

One of the most significant things that different about me is that I have a newfound faith - something that's not entirely new, but definitely rediscovered, re-invented, redefined, and completely new from anything else in my life, ever.  And I'm discovering that I simply cannot get enough of God.  I've been going to church regularly (more than once a week, which for those of you who know me is a HUGE deal), I've been simply soaking myself in studying God's word and God's person, prayer, fellowship, meditation, and learning.  And from that, I'd like to share a few things that I've recently learned that I was never taught in 18 years of going to Sunday School:

• Acts 2:42-47 -- This is what a christian community should be about!  This is a church.
• God's material blessings to me and those around me is, in fact, a true BLESSING.  It's what we do with these blessings that matters - and God calls us to use our material blessings to help others, not shed our blessings to be with others.  There's a distinct and important difference, and it's something I struggle with. 
• Regarding Doubts:  "if you see through everything you see nothing.  The point of doubt isn't to see 'through' everything, but to see what's on the other side."
• God has blessed each of His followers with EVERY SPIRITUAL BLESSING that could be.  
• God's plan A was the church.  This was not His plan B or C or "collateral damage".  THIS is the plan. 
• Regarding Testimonies:  Most people emphasize the "how bad they were before God" part.  Shouldn't we be telling the story opposite; that is, shouldn't we be living radical, crazy lives AFTER we were transformed for Jesus?  Shouldn't that be the glorified part? The "wow" part?
• If a stranger were to walk into a church, they should look around at the people and say, "what on earth could bring every single one of these people here?  They are all so different - what could they possibly have in common?"
• Your life with God is like a bullseye, with God at the center.  People are all over, facing different directions, walking different directions, some are close to the center some are far out.  Obviously God cares about where we are in relation to Him, but more importantly, God cares which direction we are facing.  If we are in the center but facing out, looking back at where we came from, at all of the great things we've done, at all the hoops we've jumped through, we've completely missed the point.  God wants us to be facing him and walking forward, no matter where we are on the circle.  
• God has entrusted me with the Gospel, and it is my responsibility to share it. 
• We don't have to be perfect to come to God, but we do have to be ready to be perfected.
• Sometimes we grab a hold of an idea before God is done talking.  We need to let God finish His sentences.
• God wants to do something ORIGINAL in me.  Not something he's never done before -- something ORIGINAL.  As in, original to His plan.  Original to how He intended things to be.  Original - back to the origins.  
• Our spirituality is more important than our physicality.
• God often talks of His inheritance IN US.  WE are God's inheritance!
• God is BIG!!!! (This is maybe my favorite thing about God... every time it makes me fall in love all over again.)
• God calls us to do nothing to discredit His name... and that's a big task!
• Prophecy and the Bible is actually NOT up to interpretation - God had only one meaning and one purpose to His word.  (This is not to say that discussion should be squelched, or that His word isn't worth reading over again and again because there are many layers to things, but rather that each of those layers and facets to His word has only one true meaning as God intended.  It is up to us to figure out what that is.)
• This is all temporary.  The book of Revelations is my comfort many days.  

Brides and Hatred

Church Membership has been on my mind lately.  Mostly because I'm contemplating becoming and official member of a church here in DC.  I've always (ok, not always, but definitely the last 5 years) had a huge issue with organized religion.  It wasn't always that way; I grew up in the church, and I remember through 5th, 6th, 7th grade telling people that I actually enjoyed going to church.  Weird?  Maybe. A good thing?  I don't know.  Maybe - it led me to a lot of suffering, but ultimately was part of the Great Symphony.  Even after having "re-discovered" my faith, I found it hard to find myself comfortable in a church setting.... After everything I'd been through, I just wasn't entirely sure I wanted to put myself in that situation again.  For a while, I thought, "well, I believe, and that's good enough.  Some people need a church community, for some people it fosters growth, but not for me.  I don't need that.  I can just believe by myself, after all, this is between me and God, right?"  (In retrospect, that was just delusional... as an extrovert, regardless of it's biblical context or necessity, I need community.)  Once I realized that the Christian faith was not supposed to be lived out in caves by ourselves, I thought to myself - well, I have good Christian friends, I can talk to them, enjoy time with them, and that will just be my version of church, my community, I don't need a formal church to be a part of, because that only leads to problems.  I can have my own church.  And for a while, that was fine.

And so I just lived with a lot of anxiety, a lot of fear and anger and avoidance and resentment about the church built up inside me - mostly fear.   But then, spontaneously, God convicted me that church was, in fact, a good thing (I've not the slightest clue about how God was able to change my heart like that - it literally happened instantaneously, He convinced me that this was so and that I was never going to be afraid of church again.  What?!  This is a question I plan on asking when I get to heaven...).  And that it was maybe something I was going to need out here, all by myself.  And so instead of God asking me to overcome my fear, He just took it away.  Which in a way, was even scarier... But suddenly I didn't have any excuses anymore.  And so I decided that I needed to start looking for a church.

And then God put one in my lap.  It's this great place called Restoration church.  It's super close to campus, people there are wonderfully nice and welcoming, and I already feel like I'm at home there (which, I have to admit, is still a weird feeling).  And they do formal church membership, which involves a class and some other stuff.  It was weird to me at first, because even though I grew up around church, not every church has formal membership, or a formal process to become a member, and since mine didn't I really had no idea what to expect.  So I went to the class just to see what this whole thing was about.  It was interesting.  Different.  Challenging.  Open.  Thoughtfully and tactfully put together.  And during the process, we discussed the biblical foundations of church membership and the church as a whole.  It wasn't something I'd thought about (or liked the idea of, really), that God not just gives us the opportunity for, but actively demands and expects that we be part of a church...

But I was listening to a sermon yesterday about the church, and the pastor discussed the church in the context of 3 analogies commonly used in the New Testament - the family, the body, and the bride.  At the very end of the sermon, in discussing us as Christ's bride, he used the analogy of someone walking up to him and saying, "Gosh, J.  I really like you, you're so funny and smart - I really hate your wife, D. - but you're just so awesome!"  I wasn't following until he equated it to us saying, "God, I love you but I hate your bride."... ouch!  I'd never thought about it that way before.  And it then occurred to me that Paul's analogy to the body of Christ is similar - a Hand cannot expect to survive alone... it can't even survive if it's near a body, or occasionally interacts with an Eye and a Toe... but rather it must be attached to an entire body to even be alive, much less thrive and be active.  The hand can be cut off to preserve the body, but the body cannot be cut off to preserve the hand.

So I don't know if i will officially be a member of Restoration or not - I'm still praying about that one.  But I am more convinced than ever that the church, although flawed, is essential.  Body, here I come!

Random Update #2

The creativity in me is coming out... I am going to try to update you in 10 word sentences.  Exactly.  It's a creative challenge for me, and pragmatically keeps this update short (and maybe somewhat amusing as I try to summarize my life).  I'll put them under categories so that you know what I'm talking about:

ENTERTAINMENT/RANDOM:

- GLEE IS BACK and my life is now complete again. 

- Singing in the shower is problematic with other girls around. 

- Rain, rain, stay here today, I love when it's cloudyandgrey. (It didn't rhyme if I didn't cheat!...)

- I have a new painting that's (almost) done (pictures soon)!

- I love seeing my Daddy lots, because I love him.  :)

- Broncos are slightly disappointing, but they'll always be my team.  :)

CLASSES:

- Biology tests really freak me out... and there's one tomorrow.  

- Said Biology test means I should study instead of this.

- Shoutout to Chumley - I think I rocked my Lit Midterm.

- Sensai: She's a tough girl, hit her harder! Me: *smile/cringe

- Breaking a board with my hand is still VERY intimidating. 

- Sociology equals moody, depressed, fired up; Sociology equals restless Katherine. 

- Spanish test today should've been easy, think i did decently.

LIFE

- Feeling foolish - forgetting God doesn't gently ease me into things.

- Contemplating official church membership because I think I need it.

- I love me some nutella pretty much every single day.

- Not working out much as I should, having fun instead.

- Want a job coaching again, because I love it lots!

- Needing a little kid fix, I miss all my munchkins!! 

- Food is decent, I love mexican and grilled cheese.

- Wishing football and church didn't interfere, makes my life hard.

- Thinking it's weird that you people read and enjoy this! 

That's pretty much all I can think of at this point.  Much love to you all! I love phone calls if you're ever feeling bored.  :)

One Word Changes Everything

"God loves us through the good times and the bad."

How many times have we said that, or heard that?  Having grown up in a church, I've heard that statement, or some derivative of that statement a thousand times.  Think about that statement for just a second.  What exactly does that mean?  Until a few days ago, I thought it meant probably what most other people think it means - that even when things get hard or messy, and even when our imperfections come out, God still loves us.  It's a pretty astounding realization, no matter how many times you hear it; that a perfect and perfectly holy God could still want to be a part of our utterly unholy lives.  Kinda cool, no?  The God who made the entire universe loves me - not just me as a number, but ME.  Amazing.  And it would still be so cool if it just stopped there.

But it doesn't.  Think about that statement again.  "God loves us through the good times and the bad."  Normally, when we think about this statement, we think about the "through" part as being passive.  But this is not a passive God I'm talking about.  This is not a God who sits back and just watches, this is not the god of Deism, this is not a God who is comfortable just observing the universe as a trivial chess game full of expendable pieces while he sits back in his comfy cloud-lay-z-boy recliner in his great grecian robes with the corinthian columns supporting his great house behind the pearly gates.  No, this is an active God, a God who directly and deliberately intervenes in our lives.  And so what does that mean for a God who "loves us through the good and the bad"?  It means that "through", that crazy word we throw in the middle of that statement, is active.  God doesn't just sit back and Love us while we heal ourselves through the grief and agony of our friends dying, or through the trials of a divorce, or through the challenges of financial troubles.  No, this is a God whose Love is what pushes us through the bad times.  This is a God who actively Loves us and transforms our hearts, whose Love is that thing that turns "through" from a word that means while, or during, to a word that means that His Love is the one constant in a world of chaos. And isn't it amazing?  God, a Holy God, could Hate us through the good and bad, or Shame us through the good and bad, or Anger us through, or Force us through, or any other number of things that would be completely justifiable (because He is, after all, God).  But no, He chooses to Love us through.  Love.

Now read that statement again:  "God loves us through the good times and the bad."

Amazing!

Shuttle Reflections on 7-year-olds

So I took the shuttle today from campus to Tenleytown (for those of you who aren't aware/familiar with DC, my campus is located about 3/4 of a mile from a metro stop (the Tenleytown stop), and, since I'm paying out the ass for my education here, the school was nice enough to provide regular, free shuttles to and from Tenleytown. Hurray!) to go to CVS and run some other errands.  It was a quick, easy trip, and fairly uneventful.

When I got on the shuttle, the only seats available were in the back, so I headed back there and sat down, only to realize that the seats along the back are a tad bit higher than the other seats in the bus, and that they seem to lean back just a bit...  Which was fine, I just scooted myself back a little and sat back to relax for the ride, and make a list of everything I needed so I didn't forget anything.... only to realize that my feet didn't touch the floor!  Which was awkward at first, but then fun.  And of course, being the thinker I am, I spent the ride contemplating this odd situation rather than making a list... Here's what I discovered: That when your feet don't touch the floor, it's awkward because this is an experience you haven't had since you were about 7.  Which made me giggle a little bit to myself.  For the last year I've been acting, thinking, and speaking like an adult - partly just because I am actually growing up (crazy thought), and partly because most of the people I work with are crazy and immature, and somebody had to be mature enough to say "hey, you, stop flirting with your boyfriend and watch that little boy whose about to drown, I don't care that you're in love with him, save the small child!" and other things of that nature, so I had to turn off the adolescent part of my brain and turn on the adult part.  And once I got here I discovered that it was harder than I thought to turn OFF the adult part of my brain once it was on... I had a hard time switching mindsets back to a normal 19-year-old college student. (I did, after about two weeks, make the transition and it's been fine.) And here I was, sitting on the bus and feeling a little kid.  And watching the other girl who was sitting next to me with her feet swinging as the bus bounced and stopped suddenly and turned sharply, trying so very hard to cover up the fact that she felt really awkward with her feet swinging like a game of Jello in the mountains too.  And I smiled.

Oh, and discovery number two: it's also very hard to cross your legs when your feet aren't touching the floor... which I'm pretty sure is the reason the guy across from me was laughing.  Moral of the story: oddly high bus seats make everyone's day a bit brighter.  ;)

My Superpower

I'm the strongest person in the world.


I've now been through 4 classes of Sociology, and in case you didn't read my last post, it's my favorite class!  But it's also very very challenging, and I find myself asking some daunting and very very hard questions during class.  I wanted to share some of them with you:

1. Newspapers over the last decade have dropped from a 10th grade reading level to a 3rd grade reading level.  Why is our society continually lowering the bar to the lowest common denominator, rather than raising the bar and asking people to meet a standard?  How do we fix this problem?  No Child Left Behind is a perfect example of a government-sponsored act involving this phenomenon... How do we reverse this thinking?  
2. Economically, Capitalism MUST grow or it dies.  Stability is not an option in Capitalism, only growth.  But... is there a limit?  What happens when we reach that limit?  How can we preemptively stop this from happening?
3. Because America is, in fact, one of the few (partly because of it's unique emancipation) former colonies that has achieved a developed state and economic power by following a western modernization model, how does this affect our worldviews, and more specifically our charity views?  
4. How should/can we interact in a completely globalized system WITHOUT increasing the gap between rich and poor?  Is there a good model from history, or do we need to develop a new world model?  How does corruption affect/play into the global economic system?
5. What's the best model for charity?  How does one suggest you should go about helping other undeveloped countries without damaging their political, social, and economic structures?  Has this ever been successfully and practically implemented?

These are just a few of the biggest and most daunting questions I've come across in just 4 days of class.  And although this is exactly the sort of thing I want to spend my life dealing with, from a classroom standpoint, it seems absolutely daunting.  And completely impossible.  I love this class - it's provocative, it's perfect for me, it's about questions and thinking and people and government and harmony.... And yet every time I go into that class thinking, hoping, questioning; during the class, it's a roller coaster that takes me from anger to apathy to compassion to humility to shame to pride to frustration to apathy again and ultimately to sheer confusion;  by the time I come out of the class, I have no idea what it is that I'm feeling other than extreme and consuming hurt.  And it makes me ask if it's worth it.  To let it hurt, to make me cry and want to hit people and scream and go live in a hole where I can just pretend that none of this exists...  Is it worth it?  

And then I remember the collage I'm working on, with one of my favorite quotes of all time.  It goes like this: 

"What is, therefore our task today? Shall I answer: "Faith, hope, and love"? That sounds beautiful. But I would say--courage. No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth. Our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature...we lack a holy rage--the recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity. The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth...a holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God's earth, and the destruction of God's world. To rage when little children must die of hunger, when the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many, and against the madness of militaries. To rage at the lie that calls the threat of death and the strategy of destruction peace. To rage against complacency. To restlessly seek that restlessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God. And remember the signs of the Christian Church have been the Lion, the Lamb, the Dove, and the Fish...but never the chameleon." 

And then I remember the famous verse -- With God, ALL things are possible.  ALL things.  Not just the things that I see are possible, but literally anything.  I could be invisible if God chose to make me.  I could have any super power in the world.  But my prayer today is that God can give me the power of super-human strength.  My weakness becomes His strength, and in Him, my strength.  I pray that God will give me the strength to let it hurt more than anything in this world, that God will continually be my guide, my companion, my rock and my salvation, that God will fill me with His spirit, and that I can do whatever it is that God calls me to do with His strength.  I will not change the world.  I will not be famous, I will not win a Nobel Prize, or be on Oprah, or become a famous author, I will not become some icon of peace or world harmony.  But I will change lives.  And I will love people with all of my heart, and when I run out of my heart and my imperfect, limited love I will give them God's perfect and limitless love.  I will be the strongest person in the world.

And the Vertigo Begins to Kick In...

Alright.  Wow.  I've had a LOT going on the last 2 months, and no time to write about it!  (Well, ok, thankfully I've had some time to write for myself, otherwise I'd be certifiably insane, but no time to condense/filter it and put it into a blog post.... sorry folks!)  Also, in the process of one of the biggest changes I've experienced (and very much still processing that...), I've hardly had any time at all....  AH!  So, this is going to be a not-so-quick update in the form of bullet points because my brain is running WAY to fast to actually formulate full sentences, much less articulate and meaningful paragraphs.  Also, my brain is running a million different directions at once, so this is probably going to seem very disjointed and chaotic... just bear with me:

• - I'm perpetually amazed, awed, and somewhat frightened by the things God has been doing in my life.  Not just in the past 6 months but in the past 19 years.  The way he has orchestrated this crazy, sometimes hellish symphony that is my life continually blows me away and brings me to tears.  I know it seems silly to say, but only God could have been responsibly for such a terribly beautiful thing.  
• - Part of me wants to give up regular school and just go to seminary to revel and grow in who God is, but then I go to Biology class and remember how much i love/hate/love secular classes too... Damn conflictions.  ;)  
• - On the note of biology:  OH MY GOSH THAT CLASS MIGHT KILL ME....  I haven't been in school for a year, much less a hard science. And my professor is covering all this crazy chemistry stuff that makes absolutely no sense to me (thank God for biology coloring books that are simultaneously semi-fun and educational...), all of which he says is the foundation for biology and we'd damn better understand it through and through or we are going to fail the sememster... SHIT!!   Oh well.  Guess I'll be spending a lot of time going to office hours... :/  (On a happier note, it is actually VERY interesting! And I keep reminding myself of my goal...)
• - I decided today that I'm dropping my Gov class for something (ANYTHING) else.  Doreen - THANK YOU for teaching me about government because clearly this lady can't.  And, thank you for treating me like I'm actually an intelligent human being.... (I'd forgotten what it felt like to be condescended towards...) (is that how one would say that?  Condescended to....?  condescended on...?)  I have decided that I am not going to pay a bajillion dollars a year to take classes that I hate and make me frustrated, especially since I don't have to.  Therefore, I shall choose to empower myself by choosing to put myself in a happier situation, and I shall exercise my right as an American, a student, and a human being to say - I will not do this anymore! 
• -  For those of you who were wondering about my other classes:  Spanish is bueno, but not coming back to me as quickly as I'd hoped.  I'm making mistakes that I don't think I've made since about 6th grade, so.... A little discouraging, but hopefully I will remember it at some point.  My martial arts class is SO COOL!!  Way harder than I thought, but I could totally see myself getting into this sport very seriously. Sociology is absolutely my favorite class ever!  It's all about History and the third world and people.... Ah!  So cool.   
• - The masters program here practices at 5am.... And I've been trying for the last 2 days to get up and go swim with them to try it out, but damn 5 is early, especially when one has found themselves staying up until 1 and 2 every morning.... :/  Going to have to figure that one out.  
• - My duvet cover is my favorite part of my new room.  :)  (and my wall collage that I'm working on... I'll put up pictures soon.) 
• -  I miss my puppy.  And Moose and Honey... :(  
• -  I've worn my Toms almost every day, and I'm looking forward to the tan line I'm going to (maybe) be getting....  
• -  On the note of feet:  I have been completely pain free since July 30th.  I don't know if it's permanent or not, and I pray that God will use this experience and whatever related ensuing experiences are on their way for His glory... 
• -  I'm still very much in the midst of processing this very large move, and I don't exactly know how I feel.  
• -  We cannot get anything to stick to our walls (We think it might be the fresh paint, which is nice that our rooms were just redone, but sad that nothing will stay up....), so I still have a bulletin board sitting against my bookshelf that needs to find a way to be hung (I think I may have found a solution, I'll keep you all posted).
• -  I don't know who all knows this, but I adoped a WorldVision child.  His name is Hassen Muhammed. He's 9, he lives in Ethiopia, and his favorite subject is math.  Please keep him in your prayers.  
• -  The more I am here and learning, the more I am convinced that I do not need a degree to do what I want to do.  But the more I think and pray, I am also convinced that I do need this experience.  So I'm currently struggling with this limbo.
• -  Although I've been here for almost 2 weeks, this place still does not feel like home.  I don't know if any place ever will.... 
• -  I have decided that there are some things about me I need to get cleaned up before I date, so don't expect to be hearing about any boyfriends this semester.  End of discussion.
• -  I miss my best friend desperately.  And although we are both in good places - Did we seriously have to go to school on opposite sides of the friggin' country?!?  :(  
• -  The further I get away from high school I realize a couple things.  One - I was so miserable for so many reasons!!! But now I'm not, so happy day.  Two -  there are so many relationships that I haven't maintained for one reason or another, but there are very few people from high school that I wish I talked to more -- I can count them on one hand.  And this does not make me sad, remorseful, melancholy, or even nostalgic.  
• -  I get to walk around my campus and hear anywhere from 3 to 12 foreign languages being spoken per day.  It's kinda cool... :) 
• -  I cannot wait for Glee to come back.  Sad I know, but seriously, I love it.  :) 
• -  I am finding myself getting very antsy and restless, but in a very different way than ever before.  
• -  Mom, I know you're not going to like this but I pray every day that God will find a way to send me to the most impoverished, war-torn, ugly places in the world.  To places filled with hate, with anger, with brokenness and imperfection, and I pray that God will use me there.  I pray that God will guide me and use my inhibitions AND my ambitions for His one singular goal.  I was not built for comfort, and so I pray that God will spend the rest of my life making me uncomfortable.  (Ha! As if the last 6 months hadn't shown me, this isn't exactly something I need to pray for, God is going to do it whether I like it or not)
• -  I keep going over in my head the best way to re-arrange my room without messing up my new wall collage.... and it's hard.  I'm thinking I might need to put it on the window (Which would be super cool since there's tissue paper involved, but super hard to move...) 
• -  I know that people have been pestering me for pictures about my dorm room for quite some time now, and I sincerely apologize for not having them up earlier, but I promise I will get them up by the end of the week!
• -  I think there is a very good chance that my body is addicted to sugary things... this is a problem. And I'm finding the absolutely delicious chocolate chip cookies at TDR very, very hard to resist.  
• -  I'm struggling with realizing and defining my gifts, both spiritual and non, and seeking God in those gifts and how He can use me.
• -  I'm finding that my life (both in the past and now, though in significantly different ways), is becoming dichotomously defined by pride and shame.  And that, my friends, is a very difficult challenge to overcome, as I am discovering. 
• -  There is a hurricane headed this way.  I've never experienced a hurricane before; I love rain; therefore, I'm a little excited because I think by the time it gets to me (and because I'm far enough inland), it's going to POUR!  Yes!!! :)

And on that delightful note, my friends, I shall end this somewhat kerjumbled and slightly ridiculous post.  I hope you all feel slightly more updated -- I know I feel better!  :)  I'll try to post more frequently in the future.

Much love to you all.  

Goodness

This was going to be my last post from Colorado, but things got a bit out of hand during the packing/getting-ready-to-move process, and so it will be my first (and possibly only) post from the lovely in-between stages in North Carolina.  (For those of you who aren’t aware, I left this morning from Denver to fly to North Carolina to look at schools for my sister and pick up my aunt before driving to DC on Wednesday.  So I’m going to be spending the next 3 days in limbo between parents “home” and new school home.)  Ironically, this post has almost nothing to do with moving, nor with packing, school, or anything else of the sorts.  It’s actually an update from a few weeks ago, which I should’ve posted earlier but just haven’t gotten a chance. 

I’m sorry if this is repetitive for some of you, but for those of you who are relatively new to my life (or to this blog), I will try to catch you up as concisely as possible (although for those of you who know me, that may not actually be the case…)  J I grew up going to the Episcopal church on a VERY regular basis, and grew up a “Christian” but never really had true faith, in part because I didn’t know what true faith looked like.  I thought that what I had was a solid foundation of faith but I was really just a pretend Christian, trying to live a good life without the presence of the Living God in my heart. During high school (in part because of my desire to distance myself from my parents, in part because of internal struggles, and in part simply because of the rigor and structure of the Episcopal church), I pulled away from God.  I was an atheist, then an agnostic, then an atheist again, then a doubting Christian, then just confused.  I was still forced to go to church, but I found my faith decreasing every time I went. Then, in part because of a series of people, in part because of life circumstances changing, I found my faith again.  It was a miracle, and I’m still not entirely sure how it happened, but I found myself craving God and His life, I just didn’t know how to get there.  I only knew that I didn’t want the Episcopal church (not that anything’s wrong with the Episcopal church, I just struggle with organized religion, particularly when it’s that organized and structured.  It’s simply not how I process, interact with God, worship, or commune with other people.)

Then I met M.  She’s amazing.  I love her to death, and despite the fact that I’ve only known her for a relatively short time (just over a year, I think…), she’s one of the people I’ll miss most in my move to DC, and she’s somebody I plan on staying in touch with for the rest of my life.  She’s a friend and, in some way, a mentor to me (if she’s up for dealing with me for the rest of our lives…haha).  Her story is incredibly similar to mine in many ways (though not all), and in talking with her about faith and God and church and life, we found similarities in the way we thought and (more importantly) felt about all these things.  I’ve come to trust her and her judgment a lot.  She first invited me to her church (Mile High Vineyard) at the beginning of the summer, but that’s not what this story is about.

This story begins one Friday, when I got of work to a text from M inviting me to a conference her church was having, that she and her sister J were attending.  Although that’s not normally something that would be of great interest to me, I found myself feeling like I really wanted and needed to go (in retrospect there was clearly a reason).   I rearranged some things and made it to M and J’s house in time to carpool to the evening session for the conference.  Despite my newfound faith, I still struggle with doing things that are even remotely connected to “organized religion”, and so waking into this group of people was a challenge for me.  I thought that perhaps God was going to use this time to show me how good His people can be, that I don’t need to be afraid, and that I can, in fact, be a part of a good church home.  I thought this was going to perhaps be God’s way of easing me in to finding a good church.  I should’ve known how foolish that was, God does not ever “ease” me into anything – if I’m not throwing myself headfirst into something, then He certainly will!   The talk, although not a “set-your-soul-on-fire” sort of talk, was from a couple who lived in Beirut for 13 years doing ministry, and I found it interesting and informative because that’s the part of the world that God’s given me a heart for.  I thought perhaps God was going to use the active ministry after the talk to reveal something to me.  I was simply trying to be open to whatever God had to show me on that particular evening.  At the end, the leadership group came up and said that before worship, they had a few people that they felt called to pray for. Sidebar: for those of you who don’t know me, I have chronic pain in my legs from a bone structure deformity that causes my feet to collapse and things in my ankles, shins, knees and hips to wear wrong.  I’ve been struggling with chronic knee pain since I was 7, and I’ve also been struggling with severe shin splints for over a year (which is a very long time), and Friday was excruciating.  I’d actually cried at work earlier that day, partly because of the pain and partly because I was simply so damn frustrated with the pain.  Back to the story:  One of the women from the leadership team said that God had given her a vision of someone there who was struggling with intense foot pain, particularly in the arch of their foot. Well shit.  I guess God is simply going to talk to me in front of an entire conference of people.  I had a fast argument with God going something along the lines of: I can’t go up there! Go! No! Go! No! Go! Fine!!!  Knowing that J and M were there for me was enough of a comfort to motivate me outside my comfort zone, and so, scared out of my mind, I went up.  A very nice man from the leadership/prayer team joined me, and we talked and prayed for about 10 minutes.  I could feel a distinct difference in my legs between walking up and walking back, but it was still painful: just a different kind of pain.  During the course of praying, my ultimate prayer was that God would simply do His will: if there was a way for him to take away my pain and physical suffering, that He would do it, but if it was a weakness that I was meant to have, then so be it, that He would give me the strength and the perseverance and the patience to deal with it.  I woke up the next morning completely pain-free, and I have not dealt with any sort of pain since then except split-second moments when I am being boastful, prideful, or taking credit for something that belongs to God.  It is, I think, God’s way of reminding me who is really in charge, and that He IS powerful enough to do absolutely anything!   It’s an absolutely indescribable feeling, and in a way very exciting.  I’ve never experienced physical (or instantaneous) healing from God, and I find myself discovering new facets of my faith through this experience.  I know that God can allow me to be in pain again anytime, and that ultimately I must stay humble and remember that God is GOD and my savior.   But, I was able to climb 3 fourteeners yesterday, and although I am sore and exhausted, I am experiencing absolutely no pain whatsoever from my feet, ankles, knees, or shin splints.

Climbing yesterday was one of the absolute best ways I could possibly imagine saying adieu to Colorado, I was able to enjoy the company of good friends, and more importantly, the intense and unique beauty of Colorado that God has created.  If you’ve never climbed a mountain, I highly recommend it – it’s an addicting and exhilarating experience, and to experience God’s beauty and grandeur in that way is incomparable to anything else! 

I thank God every day for rescuing me from that pain and for allowing me another chance at life, and for giving me back opportunities that I wouldn’t have otherwise had.  It led to a perfect goodbye, and a perfect start to a new life in which I can begin anew.  But most importantly, it has become a part of my Living Faith, ever changing.  It seems as though just when I think I am full of God, He steps just a bit closer to the light and suddenly, He exposes a new facet of Himself and His perfection, and I find my whole world turned upside down. 

I can’t wait for my world to be turned upside-down again.