This is part 3 of a series. You can also read Part 1 here, and read part 2 here.
I had a friend (a male) open a car door for me the other day. It wasn't just a passing thing - he insisted. But the thing is, he wasn't hitting on me. He wasn't demeaning me, but he wasn't hitting on me either. He was simply treating me with the utmost respect in the manner he though appropriate. I was beside myself. I didn't know how to react. I'm so used to fending for myself, and to holding up the walls around my vulnerability and my independence, that I didn't know what to do. I've never, ever in my life had a man intentionally seek to open a door for me. It's started to make me rethink how I treat men....
Am I treating men with respect when I demand that I do everything myself? I certainly don't mind being needed; I'm often (though, in my sinful flesh, not always) happy to help people. It makes me feel valuable and wanted. I think men are even more programmed to think and behave that way. When I demand that I do things under my own power, I am not only depriving men of the opportunity to serve me, but I am essentially telling them that their help is not good enough. I would hate that, if someone did that to me....
What else do I do that does not respect men? Where else do I think I am enabling myself, when really, I am only hurting myself and others around me?
This is where the issue of understanding my womanhood as a single woman comes into play. I ought to be seeking to be a godly woman right now. That is not something which waits to be cultivated until marriage. Just as we don't wait to cultivate a good football team with solid plays and good communication until game day (unless, apparently, you're the Broncos...), I ought not be waiting to cultivate my godly womanhood until marriage.
I say I am looking for a man to do ministry with - that in seeking a husband, my primary goal is to do ministry in a way that I would not be able to do otherwise. And I say that, but do I always mean it? In my head I mean it - I think, gosh, if I find a man who I love and am attracted to and can do ministry with me, I'll marry him. But if he doesn't met all of those criteria, then I won't marry and I'll just do ministry alone. But is that really what I'm seeking? Or am I just too afraid to try a messy relationship with another sinner? What would this relationship even look like?
And the thing is, I just don't know. Am I one of those women who is called to singleness for the rest of my life? I don't know. I heard a sermon once about relationships, and the pastor said that if we were one of those people called to a life of singleness, we'd know. Otherwise, our goal should be to pursue godly dating and a godly view of sex and relationships until we are married. But the thing is, I'm not sure if I'm one of those "single" people or not... I have yet to feel that I "need" a man. I'm quite content to do life in a single fashion - now. So does that make me someone who is called to singleness? But I don't know if I'll always feel that way. I do desire to get married - someday (I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't). But I don't know what being in a relationship in which both people are pursing God more than they are pursuing one another even looks like or acts like or feels like. And I want someone to show me, so that I can know for sure. So that I can try it and say - yes, this is something I think I am supposed to have in my life, this is something that I think God has called me to, or so I can say - no, this is not what God has called me to. God has called me to a life of singleness and contentment in him alone. And then I can stop wondering and move on.
Part of me wonders if I'm too weak to handle a relationship. That I would be the worst Christian wife ever, because I wrestle with defining what my role is, and acting on it. What if I'm too much of a sinner to be able to balance a relationship with a man and a relationship with God and His local church and work and whatever else I'm up to? Part of me thinks that I would begin to idolize that man, that I would be simultaneously too afraid to let myself go and too involved to get out.
But then part of me thinks that I'm too weak to handle life alone. That without someone to come home to at the end of the day, without someone to point me and guide me, without that solidarity and consistency, especially with what God has called me to do, that I would simply fall apart and be of no use to anyone.
The thought of being married scares me a little. But so does the thought of never getting married. The thought of going to a third world country like the DRC or rural Pakistan completely alone, without a husband, without a brother in Christ to support me and love me and walk with me through that experience, to hold me accountable, to encourage me and to talk with me, to balance me out... that terrifies me. And so I feel stuck...
I want to be running after Christ with such fierce tenacity that my husband has to run with me to not loose me to God. I want him to be in front of me so that I can draft off him when I am tired, so that he can show me the way when I am lost, and I want to be strong enough to pick him up when he falls. I want to be so wrapped up in Christ that we cannot help but be wrapped up together. I want to have the singular sense of companionship in Christ with one another that I see in some of the marriages at church.
But I'm beginning to think that I'm too afraid of being let down that I won't open myself to the fact that God may in fact have a husband in my future. I may even already know him. Why should I doubt that? What reason, what possible cause could I have for not trusting in the Lord, the creator of the universe, who has my life in His hands? I'd rather have God in control of my life than myself - I'm going to screw it up. But God? God will not screw up. He does not make mistakes. He has not let me down to this point, and He will not let me down in the future. If God promises me a husband, He will give one to me. It may not be in my timing. It may not be who I think or when I think or how I think, but He will deliver on his promises. He always does. Why am I so afraid of letting God make that promise to me? Am I afraid that I will not hear that promise? Or am I afraid that I will hear that promise?
I honestly don't know.
4 comments:
I just read this article last night & wanted to present it as a counter to your post......anxious to hear your thoughts!
http://m.medicalxpress.com/news/2011-10-benevolent-sexism-oxymoron-insidious-consequences.html
I just read this last night & would like to present it as a counter to your post.....anxious to hear your thoughts!
http://m.medicalxpress.com/news/2011-10-benevolent-sexism-oxymoron-insidious-consequences.htmlp
Wow, there's a lot in that short article... It's true, sexism is a tricky thing. I do not pretend to be a psychologist, or an expert on behaviour or feminism or theology in general, so this is simply my uneducated but (hopefully) thoughtful examination of the issue. My apologies in advance for my ignorance! (did you read part II of this series? It discusses marriage... I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on that too!!! It might give you more background into where I am coming from)
I think there are some nuances which make both my argument and the article's points valid. I don't disagree with what they say, or their research, but I'm certainly not advocating for what they call "benevolent sexism". I think sexism is something that needs to be dealt with aggressively, because the thought that women are anything less than men is absolutely wrong. But the thought that women are also exactly the same as men in every way is also wrong. Let me try to explain:
I will say this: Often, the "chivalrous" acts are something that are, consciously or not, degrading toward women - saying we cannot do things ourselves. Sometimes, women put themselves in these positions. And I (personally) would be much less likely to willingly and happily accept such assistance from a non-christian man than from a christian brother. Perhaps that is bigoted of me. Perhaps that is something in my heart that I need to examine. Because often I do not know their motives, and I will not allow anyone (man or woman) to use me or treat me like a doormat, no matter how "good" their intentions. Haven't you ever felt degraded by an act that, perhaps out of good intention made you feel small? And can you think of a person who you know loves you unconditionally - if they had performed that same act for you, would you have felt so small, or just wonderfully loved?
But I do believe that God designed us differently, men and women. There are very few women I know who are physically stronger than men (in general). There are very few men I know who are as predisposed to caring for people as women are. This is not to say that women can't lift boxes or that men can't care for people through emotional support or physical deeds of service. This is simply to say that we are predisposed to different things. And that has to be ok.
God, as a tri-une God, embraces and loves diversity. Not division, but diversity (important distinction). God the father willingly submits to God the son who willingly submits to God the Spirit who willingly submits to God the father, and vice-versa. Each of these persons has distinct functions and distinct characteristics. Each of them are equal, and each of them love one another with a perfection I cannot begin to grasp. But they are not the same. "Equal" does not always have to mean "exact same".
When a man genuinely seeks to serve me by lifting a heavy box, he is doing it not because he believes that I couldn't do it, but because he is perhaps better equipped for that particular task. Just as when someone, out of love, offers to serve you when you are ill by making dinner. It is not that you could not do it yourself, but it is a kind gesture from love and conviction of bearing one another's burdens.
As for the issue of rewarding women who conform to various "pure, morally upstanding values", and engaging in punishing those who do not - I certainly hope I did not give you the impression this is what I was arguing for!!! I am the foremost of sinners in this world, and certainly do not deserve a pedestal - I will never serve my future husband perfectly. I will never conform completely to God's standards for my heart, much less for the actions I take in my life. I am absolutely in no place to condemn ANYONE. I am a HUGE believer in 2nd, 5th, 6000th chances, without judgement. Without these chances - without this unending grace - I would not be justified before the Lord, so I cannot impose judgement on anyone else, ever. Never ever. I think the issue of labeling women as "sluts", of saying that women who wear heels or revealing clothing to bars and get raped are "asking for it" is absolutely atrocious (which is, I believe what this article is getting at). It makes me sick. I certainly think that pretending that women are deserving of a pedestal, and needing protection, is wrong. I do not need protection from anyone other than the Lord. I do, however, desire protection from a human husband. I would hope that as my husband loves me and pursues Christ, that we can be sanctified together. I think that women who seek to be uplifted and protected in this way are only seeking self-gratification. When the whole world pursues self-gratification, we run into a slew of problems, of which sexism is only one (that's a discussion for another time). I hope and pray that as I (and perhaps, eventually, my future husband) grow together, as we love one another and run toward Christ, as we are sanctified, that we would become so small that nobody can see us anymore, and can only see God. I pray that we actively choose to destroy those pedestals, not put ourselves on them.
I'm so sorry that was so long - sometimes in trying to be clear I overdo it! what are your thoughts? Do you still disagree with me? Email me if you'd like - kmarie.packard@gmail.com. I'd be honored to have a conversation with you! Or keep commenting - I promise I'll try to keep it shorter next time!
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