Brother,
Thank you. There have been some videos, some movements, some poems, websites and other media that have sprung up recently from Christian men seeking to encourage us as women - to remain pure, to not settle, to set high standards, to allow ourselves to be served. Others have asked forgiveness for sins of lust, of abuse, of impurity, of disrespect, of anger, of selfishness, of arrogance, of inflicted pain - intentional or otherwise.
For this I want to thank you. It is a joy and an honor to call you a brother. It is good for us to see that there are men out there, pursuing God, loving friends and family well, seeking after the Gospel, waiting for their wife. It truly is an encouragement to know that not all men are after me for my body. That not all men are cowards, or are arrogant. That there are men of Christ, and that someday, Lord willing, I will be able to say that I have a husband who genuinely loves Jesus more than me - because men like that DO exist. It is nice to know that I am not crazy, that I am not waiting on a fairy tale, and that men are seeking healing for the abuses and the pain they have historically or personally caused.
But I think it is time a woman stepped up, to encourage you.
Many of you seek to serve us so well - as friends, as sisters, as wives. You do so without recognition, without prompting, and with much joy. Thank you for that.
You have taught me much in the last two years about what I ought to value in men, and how I ought to carry myself. You have restored much faith, and you have led by example. As friends, you have taught me about service, and what that looks like, and how I can serve you well. You have taught me about being served. You have taught me about brotherly love.
Many of you are already married. We single women (and men, probably) are watching closer than you think, and you have wonderfully led by example. You have taught and shown me much about life, about men, and about marriage. I have seen what functional, healthy, Christ-centered marriages look like, and where I have much room to grow before I am ready to be yoked together with a man. I have seen how you fight for your marriages when they are hard, and I have seen how you lead steadfastly when a storm blows in. I have seen your honesty, and your attempts to destroy the lies the world builds up about marriage - in order that we single women (and men) can avoid some hardships and mistakes you have already walked through. I see you discipling younger men and I can only hope and pray that my husband would have had this in his life too. I see you advancing God's kingdom one life at a time, and this is a joy. I see you honoring and loving your wives well - in a way that reminds me that my standards are not too high, and that I really am waiting for someone like you.
Many of you are single. Women watch you, too. We see how you look at us, how you talk to us, and how you serve us as sisters - with grace, with dignity, with the utmost respect, and with love. How you do not objectify us, but you value our whole being. We see that some of you are dating other girls, and that you take the utmost care to protect your purity. We see that you do not have to be our boyfriends for you to help us move, for you to just hang out with us because you enjoy our company, or for you to do spontaneously kind things for us. You are willing to love us and serve us as we are, we do not have to earn your favor. We see you seeking the Lord more than you are seeking a girlfriend, more than you are seeking a job, more than you are seeking influence and power. We see that you, too, are advancing the Kingdom. You are devoting time to your relationships, to go deep and to serve your brothers well. We see all of this. I know it is probably harder than you would like. I know you do not do this perfectly all the time. I know there are men who are on you to be better men. Keep pursuing Biblical manhood, but remember that you are already doing a lot of things well.
I have spent much of the last 6 years hating men - even men like
you. Railing against them. Fighting for my own independence, despite
all indications that I am entirely unable. Propping up images and illusions of my own glory, my own sufficiency, and my own perfection, while lamenting, coddling, and nursing the wounds that had been deeply cut. I have spent years convinced that all men are
cowards, afraid of any sort of relationship because of the damage that
might be done. Afraid of touching scars that might cause me pain, and
instead choosing to shut you out, to secretly be disgusted with you, to
find flaws where they needn't be found. Arming myself against "the
patriarchy", which included all men and all forms of chivalry, meanwhile
complaining that there were no "good men". Resigning myself to the fact
that I would be miserably alone forever, because "nobody was good enough
for me", when really I was too afraid of you to give you a chance.
I have simultaneously spent that time longing for someone to hold me, to validate my insecure conceptions of beauty, to affirm me in my comfortable state. What I have really been looking for is the companionship one might typically find in a dog, I was just looking for it in a man that I could call "boyfriend" - one who would not challenge, who would not push back, who would only serve me, but not need to be served. Who would require no labor and love beyond that of a cuddle-buddy. I have been degrading your companionship, your friendship, and your very person to something that made me comfortable, instead of conforming myself to the designs of God, and admiring you for the way God has made you - and the way He intended for us to interact.
For all of the hateful things I have said, for all of the hurtful
things I have thought, and for all of the disgustingly un-Christlike
things I have done (and they are plenty), brother I am sorry. I truly am. I cannot and will not continue to treat men this way - you are my brother! Please forgive me, friend.
Friend. I am so honored to call you that. Friend. Please, please keep doing what you are doing. Keep seeking the Lord. Keep serving your brothers and sisters in Christ with humility, and with love. Keep advancing the Kingdom, keep seeking purity, keep fighting for the good name of Christian men. We know you are out there (even if we do not believe it or act like it all the time). You have, in the last two years, taken my broken, terrified, and angry heart and turned it into one that is in the process of being restored. Without knowing my story, without knowing my anger, my frustration, or my scars, you have simply lived out Christ-like servanthood and attitudes to me, and it has changed me profoundly. Thank you. Please, brother, in all humility, continue to walk with me as my heart is conformed to God's. I am sure I will stumble. Please call me out, but recognize that I am still recovering from the lies of the world and my own fickle heart.
Thank you, brother, for doing what you are already doing. Continue to do it. We women are watching, and we are learning. I am more thankful for the men in my life now than I ever have been before.
Affectionately in Christ,
K
