Through the Looking Glass: Haiti Part I

I have spent most of today talking about Haiti.  Reflecting on it with different people, through breakfast, lunch, a meeting with a professor, outreach, and a car ride home.  Much of my thought today has been spent either attempting to process and articulate that experience, or avoiding it.

I plan, over the coming weeks, to share some of my favorite stories with you.  This trip is full of God, and there is much to tell.

It feels that although I recount this experience from the view of a person who was there, a first-hand knowledge, in reflecting on it in my own, quiet moments of solitude and thought, that I was not actually there.  I am telling someone else's story.

That girl in the pictures who looks like me - she cannot be me.  I am looking at a mirage, a doppelganger.  I feel as though I am a diver, peering into a submarine in the vast, wide ocean.  Through a misty, cracked glass window pane, from this world into that one, this lifetime into someone else's experience.  I did not experience that just one week ago. 

There were moments when my heart cried out in blackened despair, Lord, where are you?!  Do you see this? How can this be?  There were moments where I wanted to throw my hands up and walk away.  There were moments when I wanted to cry, and to shake my fists at God.  There were moments that disheartened me in ways that reminded me of the deep, deep wretchedness of people and the reign that Satan (temporarily) holds over so much of the world. 

But even as I cried these prayers of hopelessness out to my God, prayers of bleak and shadowy circumstance, of parched souls craving water, and of hardened hearts needing grace, I was also so greatly encouraged.  By the team that accompanied, and in many ways carried me through this trip - their prayerful-ness, their servanthood, their joy, their flexibility, and their humor.  By the organization we are working with (http://HaitiLove.net), and its founder, who has significantly changed and molded my understanding of missiology and international work, simply by sharing his experience and wrestling with the hardest of issues in true humility.  By my Haitian brothers and sisters who are already alive in Christ, craving goodness and mercy.  These are men and women who taught me, through their own example (and most often without a single word) about love, mercy, leadership, dignity, compassion, and devotion.  Things that I am still understanding, and searching for in my own life.  God was mighty in the ways he provided, and was gracious in the way He showed Himself. He provided for our team far above and beyond the necessities of this trip, but out of His delight in us, His blessings overflowed. 

This cannot possibly have been only 5 days ago.

I do not know how to hold on to this experience in a way that allows it to change and shape me, but to let go enough to be faithful to the things God has placed in front of me right now.  I do not know that I have the strength to return from living out something that my heart so deeply desires, that my soul delights in, to something that I do not admire or love.  From the one thing I want to be doing, to my actual, real life...  So I will rest in this promise instead:

Whom have I in heaven but you?  And there is nothing on earth that I desire other than you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever... But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, to tell of all your works.  ~ Ps. 73:25-26; 28

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen Adieu...

I have recently resigned from all of my various titles/positions at the rec center. Not because I don't enjoy or value them, but because I am officially moving.  Permanently.  Not just for 9 months of the year as a college student, but as a person.  Permanently and definitively moving. 

***Does this make me a real, live, walking, talking, functioning adult?? Because I'm so not ready for that.  If I can move without being an adult, then bring it on.  But if this makes me an adult, then I am in so much trouble...  I don't know why, but I don't want to be an adult.  Ever.  Maybe it was the early influence of reading The Little Prince, or maybe it was one too many bed-jumping sessions, or too much splashing in puddles, or too much ice cream before dinner, or one too many bent rules, or something, but I just can't wrap my head around the idea of me being an adult.  Eeeeek!!***

The reason I am resigning and not just going on extended leave, or inactive employee status, is because I don't know if I am ever going to live in Colorado again.  I don't know when I would be in Colorado long enough to need a job. 

The thought of this makes me very, very sad.  I am a Colorado girl.  Through and through.  Not that I can't adapt to other places, but if we're just being honest, I belong in that state.  It's just an awesome place, period.  And I'm built for it.  Hiking, camping, biking, climbing, stargazing, x-country skiing, swimming, thru-hiking, snowboarding, downhill skiing, snowshoing, 300 days of sunshine, working hard to play even harder, wearing flannel and chacos, always carrying a nalgene, shorts, a blanket, and a snow shovel in my car - all for the same day- thinking that a brand new Subaru is the best car any girl could ever want.... Let's just call it what it is, shall we?  I first and foremost define myself as a daughter of Christ, and secondly as a Colorado girl.  I belong there.  Or at least I feel like it. 

And suddenly, having to put on paper for someone else to see, that I won't be going back... that makes me sad.  I'm really not sure what to do with this feeling.  The world is such a big place, and I don't know where the Lord would have me go.  I just know it's not Colorado. 

This is something I've been resisting for a long time, hoping that I could hold on just a bit longer to the things I hold so dear.  The time I spent there.  But I feel the calendar rolling forward more and more, I feel time betraying me and breaking my heart, and as desperately as I want to cling to that - to my life and my experiences and the abiding love I always will have for that place - I have been convicted.  It's time to let go.  Until I let go of what I have had in the past, God cannot use me now.  And He cannot prepare me for the future.

Trying to place my feet in the past, the present, and the future not only requires an extra leg that I do not have, it also requires some extraordinary acrobatics that I can no longer manage.  I am tired of fooling myself into this crazy circus-style straddling act, trying to maintain control through my own means.  I know that I truly do not belong there - it is a safety net that I do not need.  For me to keep this job any longer, or this belief that I will someday return is saying that God is not enough.  He has led me here, so here I will stay.  With contentment.  I belong here now.  And later, I will belong (Lord willing) somewhere else.

Tearing yourself from something so familiar, so comfortable, and so adored is a hard and painful thing to do.  The deep nostalgia that I have for that place is so rooted in me that giving this up, officially admitting what I have known for a long time, relinquishes so much of my identity that I feel a tad lost and overwhelmed.  This is not homesickness, this is redefining my entire identity and rooting it more deeply in Christ, right now.  I am, and always will be a Colorado girl, because it defines how I grew up, what I know and hold dear, the things I value, the way I play...  But it cannot, and will not, define my home or my life course.

This is, I suppose, just another (very different) part of dying to yourself.  It is time for me to say adieu, and plant myself boldly with both feet firmly in the present, with Christ as my foundation.  As hard and sad as it is to admit this to myself, it must be done.  And so I say to you, great state of Colorado, a tearful farewell, knowing that the Lord withholds nothing good from me, and trusting in His sovereign grace.

To Be Contemporary, Or Not To Be? That, Apparently, is the Question...

I recently read this article about the Anglican church and music.  It's an interesting read about music choices in the Anglican Church, and I think a lot of good things are said in the article.  

Two years ago, I probably would have said a heart-felt "amen" to this article, then closed the tab in my browser and continued on my day. But two years ago, I also wasn't in any church, and didn't think it was important, so take that with a grain of salt...  

Today, I'm not so sure.  I think there's something deeper going on here.  It's true, having grown up in the Anglican church, I can attest to the fact that there aren't a lot of young people who stick around.  Even in college towns or areas where there are a ton of young, single people (i.e. Washington, D.C.), the Anglican church (most of the Church) is distinctly full of older people, and sometimes just no people at all.  

*As an aside:  I recognize that my church is almost entirely under 50.  I recognize that this, too, is a problem, and that there should be old, young, and every in-between age at churches.  But this is not a post about why older folk aren't adorning our pews.  That is a something for another time.*

On one hand, I understand not wanting old, "churchy", detached music to be a stumbling block to younger people.  But what you create a hunger for, you have to feed.  And if you create a hunger for good, fun, rockin' music that gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, well then you're distorting the gospel and creating a need for something else.  The Gospel is not about a warm fuzzy feeling.  Our salvation had better not be dependent on that warm, fuzzy feeling, because if it is, I'm in trouble.  And sometimes, church does us the most good when we do not have that feeling.

The reason young people are leaving churches (including, and perhaps especially, the Anglican church) is that they are not being fed the Gospel.  They are not being fed truth.  They see too much hypocrisy, too much legalism, and not enough teaching or gospel-centered community.  There isn't enough discipleship, there isn't enough solid theology, and there isn't enough vulnerability in relationships to make it distinct from anything else in the world.

There are too many sermons being preached from the pulpit that a Buddhist, Agnostic, "spiritual-but-not-religious", or Moralist could agree with, and there is too much comfort and too much condemnation.  There are not enough questions being asked, and even less being answered.  There is too much teaching about self, and not enough teaching about God.  There is too much programming, too many nameless faces, too many drifters and church-daters,* too little evangelism, too many comfortable and glossed-over sermons, too much political commentary, and too many places that ask you to check your brain at the door.

The church is supposed to be a place of people gathered who recognize that they are not qualified to be called a church.  They are not worthy of being called righteous.  They are gathered because of something entirely outside of themselves - salvation through faith alone, by grace alone, in Christ alone.   It has nothing - absolutely nothing - to do with them.  The church should be a place of intellectual, spiritual, emotional engagement, a place of honesty and messiness.  A place of joy, pleasure, and deep, abiding love for one another.  It should make you uncomfortable sometimes, but always welcome.  There should never be condemnation, but there should be loving reprimands and compassion.  It should be a place where self disappears into thinking of others as better, into a place of natural, holistic service that is driven by the passions and the needs of the church and it's members. 

Somehow, I don't think that music is the root of the issue here.  I get that some people just don't like organ music - and that's fine!  You're entitled to your own tastes.  Some people don't like electric guitars or drums, either.  But the type of music being sung is not what should draw people to a church, and I don't think its what's driving them away, either.  If my church started playing organ music and singing from the old hymnals, I'd still stick around even though it's not my favorite kind of worship.  Because the theology is good, because the Gospel is clear, and because the community is genuinely centered on Christ and nothing else, I'd stick around.

I think we need to re-evaluate what kind of church we want to build, not what kind of music we want to sing.   When we start evaluating churches based on music, we are making music more important than the word of God, more important than the Gospel, and more important than what scripture tells us a church should be. 

This is a criticism against the church as a whole, not just the Anglican community (the article that prompted this just happened to come from an Anglican group).  Please do not read this as a personal or denominational attack - it is not.  I think some churches do some things well, and other churches do other things well - no one church is perfect.  I think there are strengths and weaknesses to hierarchy, to liturgy, and to ritual.  I think every denomination has some unhealthy and dying churches, and I think the American Christian community as a whole is seeing a mass exodus of young people.  This is partly the fault of parents, partly the fault of youth ministers, partly the fault of pastors, partly the fault of the youth themselves, partly the fault of the strong pull that culture has, and partly just an unhappy, unfortunate circumstance that comes from the Gospel being unpopular.  Everyone bears some responsibility. 

But the music is not the problem.  The heart is the problem.  When youth are not being fed the hard truth of the Gospel, and being asked to believe it and live it out, having other believers come alongside them and walk through life with them, they aren't going to stick around, even if we start singing Lady Gaga or Beyonce or Usher.  The music does not matter.  This push for contemporary music, thinking that will draw youth in, its absurd.  The Gospel matters.  Without the Gospel, churches die. 



*as in, people who date the church instead of treating it as a type of marriage covenant with a specific people and with Christ.  I don't mean people who date other people at church...