I have not been faithful in blogging this year. To be honest, I haven't been faithful in a lot of things this year. Which is a problem, because it's only 6 weeks in. We have 46 more left. (Lord, have mercy on me!)
Not that I put much stock in the changing of a calendar page and the seasons story of my life coinciding. I think it's blarney, hogwash, silly, and often damaging to allow myself to be defined by years, seasons, weeks, status in school, or a 5-year plan (or any semblance thereof). I am defined by God's time, by God's refining, and by God's mighty and perfect hand.
That being said, I live in this world. While I wait for the next, where eternity will be spent, I am in this. Where we have linear time, that progresses consistently - via calendars that happen to be defined by 24 hour - 7 day - 52 week increments. And this is the way the Lord has created and allowed it. And so, to a degree, I must be faithful to that.
All digressions about the nature of time aside, I truly have not been faithful in much this year. My heart is in a slump. I find no joy in the Word. I fight with myself to pray fruitfully and meaningfully. I find myself being drug along this crazy roller-coaster of emotions. Sometimes, at moments, I find I have a passion and a flare, a desire. Similar to what was a constant in my heart for the last year. My heart is closer to being in line with God's. But then, I sit alone in my room, struggling to motivate myself to do work, and I find myself procrastinating. Not just on school work, on my time with the Lord. Normally, I'd procrastinate THROUGH time in the Word. Now, I'm not doing either.
Perhaps this is the Lord's way of using the attacks of the enemy to deal with my propensity for procrastination. He is no longer being used by me as the enabler. This is ultimately a good thing for me. This is something that I can attack. That I can tackle. I can refuse to diminish God to something I do because I don't want to be doing something else.
I know that if I continue to pray, to seek, and to walk humbly (although I may be tripping every other step), the Lord will grow in me. I'm so thankful that the Lord has promised to be faithful, always, no matter what my state of being, or what state of emotional flux I'm in. Always -- that's one of the most beautiful things to me. My affections, my desires, and my love for him will have no choice but to expand, because of His faithfulness, not mine.
Lord, have mercy on my soul.
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