Vanity and Treasures - Reflections from Haiti: Part 2

2398 days ago, I was approximately 4,000 miles away, in a different country, sitting on a bus riding through rice fields and cinder-block houses. (Actually it was only 12, but it feels like it might as well be a parallel universe in a parallel lifetime.) 

Now I'm sitting in a plush chair, belly full, and typing this on my very own personal computer.  Which I purchased (partly) with my own money, because I, at the age of 18, had a steady job which afforded me enough money to pay rent, eat food, and do things like purchase a brand new Apple laptop.  Which can be connected to the internet any time I want, because we have power plants here that run 24-7, and the money to pay for an internet connection.  I can get up and go to the fridge to get a nice cold glass of (almond) milk, I can go to the bathroom and have a toilet that flushes, water that runs, and anti-bacterial soap to clean myself with.  I can go to my own, personal bedroom, close the door, and sleep in my very own bed.  My house has an air conditioner for when it gets hot, a heater for when it gets cold, a closet full of way too many clothes, a fridge full of food (and multiple additional cupboards full of even more food), and luxury that, in all honesty, rivals that of royalty. 

But I can't help but think that maybe all this is for naught....

I've always liked the book of Ecclesiastes.  I couldn't quite tell you why, but it resonates with my soul, for some reason.  And it's been speaking truth to me a lot recently, about this trip:

"What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." - Ecclesiastes 3:10-14

But what if not everyone can afford to be happy?  What if, while I sit here in my plush chair with all of my royal winnings around me, what if someone else is starving and naked because they cannot even make a salary of $1 per day? 

"Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
What does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
A generation goes, and a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever...
All things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing,
nor the ear filled with hearing."

-Ecclesiastes 1:2-4; 8

This is what I cannot help but feel.  Every time I walk into a grocery store.  Every time I see what I am spending my money on.  When I sit lazily on my couch and watch TV.  And here, in this culture, it's so easy to just forget.  To live like everyone else - with so much.  We are such easily swayed creatures, humans.   But the reality of this trip, the truth that those children are naked, hungry, and starved of love - this reality pierces me, and I cannot let go if it.  Those people are real.  We sit here, in this great country (and it is indeed a great country), and we wallow in self-pity.  We whine and complain about how our house isn't big enough, about how we are in debt because we over-extended ourselves because we had to have that new BMW, even though we knew we couldn't actually afford it.  We think, "if I just had that, then I would finally be happy".  I fall into that trap often myself.  I think, "maybe if I just had jeans that looked better on me, then I wouldn't be so frustrated, so self-conscious, maybe I could sleep an extra 20 minutes because I wouldn't have to put so much effort into my wardrobe...".  But it's all vanity.

What if we truly turned our eyes to heaven, instead?  What if we didn't just preach from our pulpits on Sundays about caring for our neighbors and giving to the poor, and then gossip on our way out the doors, hop in our gas-guzzling, mightily expensive vehicles, go home to our homes where everyone is fed and dressed and sit on our couches and drink beer and yell at the TV because some ref just made a bad call.  What if we actually let our souls be turned inside-out and upside-down? 

"Do not build up treasure for yourself on earth.... Build up your treasures in heaven, where neither rust nor moth destroy, and where thieves cannot break in and steal." - Matt. 6:19-20

This is what Jesus commands.  This is not a helpful piece of advice, or a recommendation for those who wish to be extra-righteous.  This is not an option, or a "choose 5 of these 50 commands, whichever ones suit you best", this is not something which can simply be ignored because it is inconvenient or uncomfortable, or might make us "seem weird".  No, this is a command from the divine lips of the Lord.   And it cannot be ignored.

Haiti is the poorest country in the world.  One week there turned my entire universe on it's head.  This is not to say that I didn't believe all this before... It simply made it real.  And tangible.  And urgent.  Things will not make us happy.  And so I will seek, from this point forward, to truly store treasures for myself only in heaven.  I cannot straddle the two universes; I must choose one.  I choose eternity.  I realize this may mean that I choose poverty in this world.  I realize that this may mean that my finances are not always what I wish them to be in this world.  I realize that this may mean that I am often uncomfortable, that I may not ever have a "real" retirement plan, and that I may often appear strange, silly, or foolish to those around me - in this world.  I understand that my fear of man will be challenged.  In this world.

But if that is all temporal, and if I can glorify and magnify the God of eternity through this, the God who looked at me on my worst day and said, I want her in my family - I would be a fool to choose anything else.

Reflections from Haiti: Part 1

I'm back from Haiti.  What an absolutely indescribable experience.  I don't even know where to begin.  The children, the poverty, the brokenness - the sheer brokenness of the place - and yet the joy.  Especially in those children.  I want to learn Creole so badly - I've never wanted a language this badly in my life... 

That's how my journal entry on May 19th opens.  To a large degree, those are still my thoughts.  I don't know what I think, or how to process it.  I cannot even begin to put words to the pull this place has on my heart.  I looked through some pictures today on facebook, and miss it.  I didn't know I could feel homesick for a place I only spent a week in, but apparently I can.

I tried to journal as much as I could, but more often than not it simply turned into humbling, begging prayer.  I'm going to try to post this in order, so things aren't too discombobulated, but bear with me.

Background:  We were at an orphanage in Ouanaminthe, Haiti.  Although we interacted with the community, we also spent a lot of time at the orphanage just loving on the kids - as a woman without much skill to offer in that setting (other than the Gospel and the love of Christ), that was my primary role.   I'll probably talk a lot about being called "blan" - it simply means "white person" in Creole.  It's not derrogatory or mean (in fact, because white person often = American, which in turn = money, its often a positive thing). Pastor Willio is the man who we are connected with in Haiti.  He runs the Orphanage, the school, the church, and has a wife and 5 children of his own.  He also served as our translator for much of the trip, since he speaks 4 languages.  N. is the man who started the Haiti Love organization.  He is connected with J. & N. through our sending church (Restoration is a church plant from North Carolina). To check out the HaitiLove website, keep up with their work and/or with W. (and pray for her!) check out http://haitilove.net, or "like" Haiti Love on Facebook. 

For those of you geographical folk, here's an approximation of where we were (little red dot).  Also for your reference, Port-au-Prince is much farther south and slightly West.  Google it if you don't know where it is.  :) 

Day 1: We spent the day just getting from DC to the Dominican.  (We flew to the Dominican simply for practicalities sake - it's much easier to get where we were going from the Dominican side.)  In retrospect, I'm frustrated that of the week we were gone, 3.5 of those days were strictly travel, but it did allow us some wonderful time as a team to simply bond, love and serve one another, and grow in Christ.  We did get to share the Gospel with a few people along the way, too! 

Day 2:  We bussed from Santiago to Dajabon, where we were able to cross the border into Haiti.  Ouanaminthe was only about 2 miles from the border, so it was pretty easy. Crossing the border was the first thing that struck me to my core: 

In Dajabon, there are poor and hungry people.  They don't have a lot. The streets are paved, but not cared for - many places have long disintegrated into large, messy potholes.  People walk around with rifles, for protection.  [Because people in the Dominican speak Spanish] things were a bit easier for me to understand.  I felt comfortable there.

The dusty white archway that separates the DR from Haiti looms in a impressive, yet subtle display of wealth and pride.  While we waited for our passports to be processed, young boys wandered around, wanting to polish our shoes.  That's how they made money - that's how they ate - dependent on travelers requiring clean shoes in a dusty land.   And I thought that was bad. 

From where we were standing, the bridge gates closed and trees along the riverside, I couldn't really see into Haiti.  Trying to get across the Massacre bridge was such chaos - especially as a blan we had to be extra careful.  It was completely surreal.  And the we got to the other side of the river.  There was no grand architecture announcing to the travelers that they had just entered a new country.  No flags flying, no processing center.  No buildings at all.  There weren't even trees.  Compared to the lush foliage lining the streets of the Dominican, it looked like the Sahara desert.  Amidst feces, empty water bottles, dust, trash piles - some being burned, but most just accumulating - broken people just sat.  It looked like one of the refugee camps you see on TV.  There was one tent set up - from what I gathered, it was there for the UN - and everything else was just there.  Because there were 15 Americans, 12 of whom are white as snow and one who was Asian, our group stuck out like a sore thumb.  Which of course, meant everyone was vying for our attention (read: vying for our money).  Offering unsolicited advice, unsolicited services, trying to get into our group.  But all we could do was stand there speechless.  The heat and the sun made it really hot, but I almost couldn't notice...

This is a picture of the border between Haiti and the Dominican, just to give you an idea....

 When we got to the orphanage, the children ran out to greet us, and immediately wanted to be held.  They didn't want money or food or clothes or jewelry, they simply wanted to be touched.  Within a minute of walking in the door, I had one child attached to each leg, one child in each arm, and one on my back [those kids are like monkeys!  They will climb up you without any assistance and then cling to you like a flood was coming].  Having brought over 700lbs. of supplies, we had our fair share of bags to shuttle up to the third floor of the orphanage, or so we thought.  When Pastor Willio [the man who runs the orphanage] told us to meet him upstairs, we reached for the bags, but before any of us could lay a hand on a single one, the kids had jumped up and shuttled them upstairs for us.  Even the smallest ones worked together to get those 50 lbs. bags up the steep and uneven stairs for us, so we wouldn't have to do a thing. 

That's only about half my journal entry for the day.   The rest would be far too long and tedious for me to share with you (for you and me).  Sorry for the long post, but I'll leave you with this from my journal entries:

These kids are the most beautiful children.  They're not perfect, and Lord, do they need discipline sometimes, but my goodness...

They are beautiful. 

Regarding Vertigo and Oxygen

I returned from Haiti less than 5 days ago, and I feel like I'm caught in a hurricane.  The vertigo, the mess that's inside my soul is rising to the surface.   The last 2 months of my life have been some of the busiest and most stressful months I've ever experienced, but I'm only just now realizing it. 

The last 2 weeks, however, have made me realize how broken I am.  Haiti was my 7th mission trip, so you would think this whole experience would be nothing new for me.  But this trip was unlike any other one.  The entire emphasis was different.  The place was different, the people were different - but mostly, I am different.  I don't know how many people see it, but I am not the person I was 2 years ago. And that makes this trip vastly different. 

If I am being honest with you, this trip screwed me up.  I sat in the car the other day for 5 minutes and cried before I could even walk into a grocery store.  I am so acutely aware of the blessings I have, of the culture I live in, and of my behavior.  I am painfully aware of how much I need God, and of the many things I have not turned over to Him.  There are scars that have not healed, there is anger and resentment I have not let go of, there is jealousy and frustration.  There are people who have hurt me, and there are people I have hurt - intentionally and unintentionally.  And for some reason, this trip brought almost all of those issues to light - at once. 

This is only the beginnings of my postings about Haiti, so do not be distraught, dear friends, if you wish to hear more - you will. 

Since I've returned from Haiti, I had 18 hours in DC before catching another flight home, then less than 24 hours later my sisters graduation party (which family was in town for).  Then yesterday my sister had a piano recital and a ballet performance.  I am only just now able to finally breathe, and there are many many things that I will continue to post about as I process them.  I have things from my journal I will share with you, and things I will write in the future.

For now, my brothers and sisters, all I ask is that you be patient with me as I sort through this.  Pray with me.  Keep watch with me.  And know that I, too, am praying for you. 

Prayer Requests

Friends, we desperately need your prayers.  Lots of them. 

Our team that will be traveling to Haiti in T-minus 2 and a half days seems to be under great attack from the enemy.  Myself included.  And we need your prayers!  We have sick folk, extreme anxiety, depression, laziness, apathy, and general fears that are attempting to paralyze our team.  Lies from the devil run amok right now, and it has been a battle for every one of us to maintain our Gospel-centered posture with the enemy attacking in any and every way he can.  Please, please be in prayer for us!  With the strength of God, we can overcome this attack to be a truly effective team for the short time we are in Haiti, but we need all the help we can get.  There are a few specific prayer requests, and some general ones as well. 

Please pray that everyone, especially J., would be healthy and well for this trip, so that we are not distracted with ill health.  J. is one of our pastors, and we need his leadership and skills to be the most effective we can be. 

Please pray for the discipline of everyone on the team, that we would be actively aware of the battle we are in the midst of, and would be fighting against the enemy in every way we can, especially through prayer and being in the Word. 

Please pray especially for W., that she would find peace and strength in her journey to Haiti, where she will remain not just for a week, but for the entire summer.  Please pray that she would be an effective Gospel light, and that all of her anxieties would be cast away and laid on Christ. 

Please pray that, if it be God's will, our travels would be safe and easy, and if it not be God's will, that we as a team will be reminded of God's great sovereignty, and that through whatever difficulties we encounter, we will continue to be a Gospel light, and that God will be glorified through our actions. 

Please pray against the anxiety and fear of everyone on the team. 

Please pray, most of all, for the people of Ouanaminthe, Haiti, that their hearts be opened to the Gospel, and that they might see the glory and love of Christ through us. 

Countdown....

In T-minus 5 days, 15 hours & some amount of minutes (depending on how long it takes me to write this blog post), I will be on an airplane to Haiti.  Ok, I take it back - I will be on an airplane to NYC, where we will then catch an airplane to the DR, and then bus it to Haiti.  But that's getting far too technical for my tastes...  ;)

I'm nervous.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm tired (yes, already.  I know, not a good thing before the trip even starts, but alas, so it goes...).  I'm anxious.  And I'm really, really excited!  I can hardly contain myself. There's only a little bit left to do - because I had to move out of the dorms yesterday, I had to pack all my stuff up, so I just went ahead and packed for Haiti while I was boxing things up.  So I'm pretty much ready to go.  Which makes it harder to wait.

But...  In many ways I'm not ready.  I have not taken as much time as I should have to be preparing in prayer and in the Word.  I plan to spend the next 5 days really getting at that hard.  I have not spent enough time praying for the people we will be serving.  And I certainly have not spent enough time readying my heart for the difficult things I will experience there.  It's a sad commentary on my sinful heart, but it is something I am working to remedy.  And something I pray God will continue to convict me of, and grow in me.  Please be praying for the people of Ounaminthe that they would be open to receiving our message, and that they would be stirred by and for the Gospel.  Also, please pray for unity in our team, and that we can be an effective Gospel light in that community, and that we can be each use our skills and giftings in ways which are effective and glorify God.  Please pray, as well, for W. - one of our Restoration members who will stay for 3 months to work at the orphanage.  She continues to need support in prayer, finances, and even supplies.  If you are interested in giving financially to her, please let me know. Please pray for her, and that she would have the strength to faithfully endure all the hardships she is going to face.  Please also hold us in your prayers for safety traveling the 12th through the 13th and the 17th through the 18th. 

I cannot wait to share with all of you what happens in Haiti, and fellowship in the glory of the Creator together.