It seems like everywhere I turn, there's another one - on the news, in the theaters, on the shelves at bookstores, in the house 2 streets over with the kid who overcame drug problems to be the next rhodes scholar... Every time, there's a formula: introduction, hardship, struggles to overcome said hardship, various setbacks, and then, somehow, in the end, there's a juicy, satisfying, inspiring ending in which Character overcomes flaws and obstacles to be a better person and change the world. When was the last time Hollywood produced a movie where the bad guy got away - and there wasn't a sequel? Or when beautiful girl number 592 didn't find her soul mate and fall in love? Or when the ending left you hanging - without any semblance of recovery, resolution, happiness, or hope?
I get the entertainment value in books and movies, that if you walked out of the theater feeling the same as when you walked in, the movie hasn't done it's job. That people need an ESCAPE from what's eating them, from their stresses and their cranky spouses and their miserable job and the pestering kids and the world that won't shut up, the media that tells you you're not good enough (that you'll never be good enough) and the sorrow you feel at the prospect of your parents passing, the misery you feel at putting them in assisted living and the guilt you feel for not visiting because it's too hard and the debt that's threatening your lifestyle and the nosy neighbor who won't leave your business alone and the ugly boss who's dumb as a brick and the pressure to get just the right gift for the holidays.... It's a lot to deal with. And fun, entertaining, laugh out loud or make you grip the edge of your seat kind of movies or books are a good distraction. Sometimes, an inspirational story is just what somebody needs to pull themselves up and say, "I can do it too. I'm going to go forth and pursue whatever it is that makes me happy" or "I'm going to fight this thing til the end, because I'm stronger than that." And don't get me wrong, I fall into that category too. I watch The Notebook when I'm feeling a bit down. I eat ice cream when I feel like I've earned it, even if I really haven't. I read The Alchemist when I need a little pick-me-up. I get it.
But what about me? What about what I'm going through right now? I don't have an ending written yet, I don't have a story or a happy ending... I don't know if my life is going to be a thriller or a drama or a comedy or a story that shouldn't ever be made into a movie. What about the girl who never finds her soul mate - the one who dies alone? What about the boy who never gets over the insecurities he's had since he was little, maybe since he was born? What about the young man who never gets out of the rut of poverty, or the tragically depressed husband who doesn't tell anyone and one day the wife comes home to find he's put a gun to his head and she never gets over it? What about the way I'm feeling right now??? I'm not sure of my ending, I'm not even sure it's going to be a happy one. I want a story to be like that- to end like that. To tell me that it's okay to feel miserable even if the end doesn't exist yet, I want a story that doesn't distract me from the hurt but rather lets me dig deeper into exactly what I'm going through. Something that doesn't need to give reason or rhyme to whatever it is that's hurting me, that doesn't need a happy ending to justify it but rather just lets me be with this part of myself, to get to know it better and to understand it and to just cry. To hurt for however long I need to hurt, without creating the ending with blue skies and tears of joy and a gentle kiss from my long-lost lover and and inspiring, overcoming story. I need a story that's going to hold me like my best friend does when I need to cry - just holds me until I'm done, and then keeps holding me. Just let's me be whatever it is that I need to be at that moment. Because the distractions, the facade that I've worked so hard for... it only makes things harder.
I think that sometimes reasons don't make things any easier, they just give it reason. And I do honestly believe that there's a reason for everything, that this is what NEEDS to happen right now, crappy as it might be. I know that I can't experience joy without having experienced sorrow. That I can't truly forgive until I know what it's like to be truly angry. And so this, this is allowing me to live, fully and wholly and without fear or apathy. But that doesn't diminish what I'm feeling. And so yes, there is a reason. But no, it's not any easier.
Afterwards, when I'm ready to tackle whatever problems this is, that's when the inspirational pep talks come in, when distraction is good because I'm exhausted from making progress. How can progress be made if the problem isn't even being confronted? But right now, the inspirational crap, well it just makes it worse.
