I'm supposed to be writing an essay about refugees right now, and how it's an international issue. Shouldn't be that hard, right? Wrong. Maybe the hardest essay I've ever written in my entire life, and I don't know why. I cannot seem to get myself going. I don't know what to write, where to begin, or what to say. I have nothing to add to the conversation. I wish I could just write a big long rant, about how much I bleed for these people, about the tears I shed, about the depth and width of my love and concern and profound, profound heartbreak. I'm getting that drowning feeling again. Like I just don't know what to go, or where to turn. Except the difference is that now I know I have the strength of God to lean on. Doesn't always make it easier though. I mean, it does, infinitely so, but at the same time it doesn't. It doesn't detract from their suffering, or the way I break for them. Sometimes I wonder if the majority of the rest of the world feels as deeply as I do... and mostly I don't think so. But doesn't that make me arrogant to assume that somehow I have the capability to feel in ways others don't? I don't know... I honestly don't.
Ugh. I hate this essay. I hate this conundrum. I hate this feeling. I don't want to write this essay. And yet I do. But I don't. It's just not coming out... my brain is not producing anything right now. Nothing. Zip. I'm hungry. I'm overwhelmed. I'm consumed with other problems right now. I wish I could not multitask. I wish I could just turn my brain off and write.
New plan: Journal. maybe paint. Get right with God. Think. Pray. Get sleep tonight. Write tomorrow.
Please pray that I can be patient with myself. And that I can focus and have discipline in all areas.
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