This was going to be my last post from Colorado, but things got a bit out of hand during the packing/getting-ready-to-move process, and so it will be my first (and possibly only) post from the lovely in-between stages in North Carolina. (For those of you who aren’t aware, I left this morning from Denver to fly to North Carolina to look at schools for my sister and pick up my aunt before driving to DC on Wednesday. So I’m going to be spending the next 3 days in limbo between parents “home” and new school home.) Ironically, this post has almost nothing to do with moving, nor with packing, school, or anything else of the sorts. It’s actually an update from a few weeks ago, which I should’ve posted earlier but just haven’t gotten a chance.
I’m sorry if this is repetitive for some of you, but for those of you who are relatively new to my life (or to this blog), I will try to catch you up as concisely as possible (although for those of you who know me, that may not actually be the case…) J I grew up going to the Episcopal church on a VERY regular basis, and grew up a “Christian” but never really had true faith, in part because I didn’t know what true faith looked like. I thought that what I had was a solid foundation of faith but I was really just a pretend Christian, trying to live a good life without the presence of the Living God in my heart. During high school (in part because of my desire to distance myself from my parents, in part because of internal struggles, and in part simply because of the rigor and structure of the Episcopal church), I pulled away from God. I was an atheist, then an agnostic, then an atheist again, then a doubting Christian, then just confused. I was still forced to go to church, but I found my faith decreasing every time I went. Then, in part because of a series of people, in part because of life circumstances changing, I found my faith again. It was a miracle, and I’m still not entirely sure how it happened, but I found myself craving God and His life, I just didn’t know how to get there. I only knew that I didn’t want the Episcopal church (not that anything’s wrong with the Episcopal church, I just struggle with organized religion, particularly when it’s that organized and structured. It’s simply not how I process, interact with God, worship, or commune with other people.)
Then I met M. She’s amazing. I love her to death, and despite the fact that I’ve only known her for a relatively short time (just over a year, I think…), she’s one of the people I’ll miss most in my move to DC, and she’s somebody I plan on staying in touch with for the rest of my life. She’s a friend and, in some way, a mentor to me (if she’s up for dealing with me for the rest of our lives…haha). Her story is incredibly similar to mine in many ways (though not all), and in talking with her about faith and God and church and life, we found similarities in the way we thought and (more importantly) felt about all these things. I’ve come to trust her and her judgment a lot. She first invited me to her church (Mile High Vineyard) at the beginning of the summer, but that’s not what this story is about.
This story begins one Friday, when I got of work to a text from M inviting me to a conference her church was having, that she and her sister J were attending. Although that’s not normally something that would be of great interest to me, I found myself feeling like I really wanted and needed to go (in retrospect there was clearly a reason). I rearranged some things and made it to M and J’s house in time to carpool to the evening session for the conference. Despite my newfound faith, I still struggle with doing things that are even remotely connected to “organized religion”, and so waking into this group of people was a challenge for me. I thought that perhaps God was going to use this time to show me how good His people can be, that I don’t need to be afraid, and that I can, in fact, be a part of a good church home. I thought this was going to perhaps be God’s way of easing me in to finding a good church. I should’ve known how foolish that was, God does not ever “ease” me into anything – if I’m not throwing myself headfirst into something, then He certainly will! The talk, although not a “set-your-soul-on-fire” sort of talk, was from a couple who lived in Beirut for 13 years doing ministry, and I found it interesting and informative because that’s the part of the world that God’s given me a heart for. I thought perhaps God was going to use the active ministry after the talk to reveal something to me. I was simply trying to be open to whatever God had to show me on that particular evening. At the end, the leadership group came up and said that before worship, they had a few people that they felt called to pray for. Sidebar: for those of you who don’t know me, I have chronic pain in my legs from a bone structure deformity that causes my feet to collapse and things in my ankles, shins, knees and hips to wear wrong. I’ve been struggling with chronic knee pain since I was 7, and I’ve also been struggling with severe shin splints for over a year (which is a very long time), and Friday was excruciating. I’d actually cried at work earlier that day, partly because of the pain and partly because I was simply so damn frustrated with the pain. Back to the story: One of the women from the leadership team said that God had given her a vision of someone there who was struggling with intense foot pain, particularly in the arch of their foot. Well shit. I guess God is simply going to talk to me in front of an entire conference of people. I had a fast argument with God going something along the lines of: I can’t go up there! Go! No! Go! No! Go! Fine!!! Knowing that J and M were there for me was enough of a comfort to motivate me outside my comfort zone, and so, scared out of my mind, I went up. A very nice man from the leadership/prayer team joined me, and we talked and prayed for about 10 minutes. I could feel a distinct difference in my legs between walking up and walking back, but it was still painful: just a different kind of pain. During the course of praying, my ultimate prayer was that God would simply do His will: if there was a way for him to take away my pain and physical suffering, that He would do it, but if it was a weakness that I was meant to have, then so be it, that He would give me the strength and the perseverance and the patience to deal with it. I woke up the next morning completely pain-free, and I have not dealt with any sort of pain since then except split-second moments when I am being boastful, prideful, or taking credit for something that belongs to God. It is, I think, God’s way of reminding me who is really in charge, and that He IS powerful enough to do absolutely anything! It’s an absolutely indescribable feeling, and in a way very exciting. I’ve never experienced physical (or instantaneous) healing from God, and I find myself discovering new facets of my faith through this experience. I know that God can allow me to be in pain again anytime, and that ultimately I must stay humble and remember that God is GOD and my savior. But, I was able to climb 3 fourteeners yesterday, and although I am sore and exhausted, I am experiencing absolutely no pain whatsoever from my feet, ankles, knees, or shin splints.
Climbing yesterday was one of the absolute best ways I could possibly imagine saying adieu to Colorado, I was able to enjoy the company of good friends, and more importantly, the intense and unique beauty of Colorado that God has created. If you’ve never climbed a mountain, I highly recommend it – it’s an addicting and exhilarating experience, and to experience God’s beauty and grandeur in that way is incomparable to anything else!
I thank God every day for rescuing me from that pain and for allowing me another chance at life, and for giving me back opportunities that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. It led to a perfect goodbye, and a perfect start to a new life in which I can begin anew. But most importantly, it has become a part of my Living Faith, ever changing. It seems as though just when I think I am full of God, He steps just a bit closer to the light and suddenly, He exposes a new facet of Himself and His perfection, and I find my whole world turned upside down.
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