Or, Why you should read the Bible BEFORE praying for something.
I have a story to tell you: I was praying the other night, reflecting on my time here (which as been both challenging and awesome), and I had an interesting experience. It was one of those oh-crap-what-did-I-just-ask-for moments. Allow me to recount for you:
...Lord, help me to persevere, and to be faithful to what is in front of me now. Give me the strength to be bold and the sensitivity to listen to the Spirit. Lord, give me endurance. Yea, endurance, that's it. Give me the endurance to work here well, with discipline and with joy.
And then I thought, Endurance. I think the Bible has something to say about that...
And I was thinking something along the lines of the verse where Jesus says "Well done, good and faithful servant". Thinking yea, I'll meditate on that all week, and it will totally motivate me to endure, to push through and to be motivated. Because Jesus is awesome and I love him.
So I took my Bible, and I opened to the back where there's a mini-concordance. And I thought, oh, good, this will be encouraging and I will memorize these verses. This is going to be great! I love it when God uses the Bible to speak encouragement to me, when I have those verses that seem like they're so full of joy and sweetness that they just can't be wrung dry, and when I am overflowing in the goodness of God! God is such a good encourager, and I love it when he answers prayers! Yippee!
I promise, it wasn't as plastic as it sounds now. It actually was really organic and genuine. So I wrote down the 4 or 5 citations from the back of my Bible, and I went to go look the first one up and write it out in my journal. [I was entirely unprepared for the smack-down that was coming my way.] It was Hebrews 10.
"But recall those earlier days when, after you had been enlightened, you endured a hard struggle with sufferings... knowing that you yourselves possessed something better and more lasting. Do not, therefore, abandon that confidence of yours; it brings a great reward. For you need endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised." (Hebrews 10: 32-36)
Hm. Well, ok, that's not quite what I was hoping for. But ok. I guess that's true. We will receive the promised inheritance... I can dig that. Hope in heaven produces endurance. Ok, got it. Next verse, Romans 5:
"...we also boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." (Romans 5: 3-6)
Ok wait a second. Boasting in suffering? This is not the direction I was hoping this would go... Suffering produces endurance. Ok, I'm kind of suffering. So I'm kind of building endurance. I think. Apparently endurance is tied to overcoming difficulty? Ok, well, let's check out the next verse, maybe that will be more helpful. James 1:
"My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)Well crap. It was at this point I closed my Bible and stopped looking up the verses. This is not the connection I was hoping for. Endurance and suffering are directly connected, apparently. That sucks. I think I'd like to retract my previous prayer. I don't want suffering. [At this point, I did not have any awesome Indiana Jones moments, like a cool leather-bound notebook telling me what to do via ancient hieroglyph and myth, which is sad. I also did not have the adrenaline associated with the actual possibility of me literally falling to my death, which I'm thankful for.]
In retrospect, I'm not exactly sure what I thought I would find instead of this delightful epiphany, because any athlete knows that endurance comes from working through the weakness, the soreness, and the pain of extending yourself to (and then beyond) your limit. But it's definitely not what I was looking for when I opened my Bible that night.
After a few days of reflection on this, I found myself re-reading the first prayer in my journal, the one that I prayed while sitting in an airport cafe on my way to this city. On June 30th, I explicitly asked for limitations, for difficulties, and for hardship for a two-fold purpose; one, to drive me to God's feet in prayer, humility, and adoration, and two, that God's name might make his own name known, and not mine. [I am 100% positive that I simultaneously did not know what I was praying for when I asked that, and I believed I did know].
I've already been stretched to the limits of my comfort in the last 3 months here. I've reached the end of myself, and I now have to make a decision to jump into the abyss, knowing that God is sufficient, sovereign, and good, or I have to shy away in fear. I cannot walk the edge of the canyon. There is no middle ground, no grey area or loophole where God can be great and I can be comfortable. I do not fancy myself a fearful or timid person, and (ridiculously enough, partly because of my pride), I steadfastly refuse to turn away. But for the last few days I have also steadfastly refused to move forward, to step out over that canyon like Indiana Jones (yes, I just Jesus juked Indiana Jones, and yes, I know the analogy breaks down), knowing that I will not be comfortable, but that it will be good.
When it comes down to it and I have to choose, I would rather regularly be at the end of myself and uncomfortable than be comfortable and not know my God. So my new prayer is that I would learn to love it here, at the end of myself. I don't just want to camp at the edge of this cliff. I want to homestead the land here. I want to dwell here for the rest of my life. I want to be the vessel through which God does mighty and wonderful things - not because I am spectacular, but simply because I have positioned myself here and refused to move. I want to love God more than I love my comfort.
So bring it on, invisible-bridge-across-the-abyss-that-may-or-may-not-be-there. And even if you aren't there, my God is still good. I will choose to "[know] that you yourselves possessed something better and more lasting", that "hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts". I'm enduring beyond the edge of my own strength - because God's is enough. So bring it on. I'm coming for you, sans hat and lasso (because I'm not quite that cool).
